First of all i want to say a huge thank you to one of my readers, Anonymous Blog who mentioned me in one of her posts. I love her blog, I recommend taking a look!
Anyway today i want to talk about something that has been affecting me all my life.
I uploaded a post called New Beginnings and I talked about how my friend Ash helped me with my confidence but the truth is that i’m still a very shy person.
In classes i’ll be sitting next to my friends and the teacher will ask a question. All of my friends are smart and confident people so they almost always put their hand up. I know this may sound stupid but I hate it. When all of the focus in the room is turned to the person next to me all I can think is please don’t look at me. I try shrink away and not bring any attention to myself. It’s stupid because i’m not even the one answering the question, when I am it’s even worse.
A teacher will randomly select someone and of course they have to pick the person who never puts their hand up, IT HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I go through a stage of panic. First i just sit there looking stupid staring down at my desk not wanting to make eye contact with anyone. Then my face goes red, I can’t breath, I start fiddling with my hands, my mind goes blank and all I can think to say is um. I feel like I’m trapped and I need to escape.
It feels like everyone’s eyes are on me, piercing my skin like a thousand knives.
When i meet new people it’s also a problem. I’m not comfortable opening up to them and talking because i’m afraid of what they will think of me or that i will say something wrong. I’m sometimes not even comfortable talking to some of my closest friends and family.
I’m constantly afraid of what people think and if they will judge me on my looks or personality so I try not to draw any attention to myself.
It’s a difficult thing to live with but what makes me feel worse is that i don’t know anyone with the same issues. I can’t ask my friends about it because i’m too scared and i don’t know what else to do. If anyone knows what’s happening i would really appreciate leaving some tips in the comments below.
This was a hard thing to write about but i hope i might share this with someone.