So a few weeks ago my PC teacher (for all you Americans, ‘home room’ or whatever) told me I was getting an academic award for English. Now you may think that I would be excited by this but really I was terrified.
At my school we have an awards ceremony where a bunch of kids get awards and go up on stage to receive them in front of the whole school.
Yes, I repeat the WHOLE school.
I hate crowds, I hate attention and I hate pressure.
So going up on stage in front of a thousand people is NOT fun.
Today was that awards ceremony… Let me take you through what happened.
I think I redid my hair about 10 times and drank at least 3 cups of tea. My nerves were kicking in big time.
All morning I was worrying about what would happen. My head was crowded with thoughts like I’m going to trip on the stairs, everyone will laugh at how curly my hair is, my skirt is going to look too long or everyone’s going to think i’m ugly .
Finally the announcement came over the speaker for everyone to go to the auditorium.
I sat down and realised I was with none of my friends, no support at all. Name after name was called and my palms got sweatier and sweatier.
Then my name was said and I stood, my knees shaking. I made my way up to the stage where the Principal was standing. I received my award from her successfully and even managed a weak smile thinking that the moment was over. But as I was walking away one of the teachers shook their head and nodded behind me where all the students given awards were standing.
So I went and joined them.
Then I made the mistake of looking up.
Thousands of eyes were trained on me and I felt my face going red. I tried looking away and studying my award but all I could do was stare at the people who had their all their attention my way.
Then the few little butterflies in my stomach turned into a whole tsunami of flapping wings, so many butterflies that I could have flown myself. And my palms turned from sweaty into dripping.
I couldn’t breath, I felt smothered and when I panic I get dizzy, start thinking stupid things and can’t hear. Every thing was muffled.
So i stood there swaying on the stage, my head spinning. I felt as if i could hear every negative thought in the room. She’s so fat, why would you wear your hair like that? I don’t think she has any friends, what an ugly shade of blonde, if i were her i’d get plastic surgery on that nose.
Then I was being pushed away from the stage, from the attention and away from everything. The group had moved to the back where there some seats, far FAR away from the front of the stage. I don’t think they had any idea how thankful i was.
So i had a panic attack on stage.
It’s hard to realise that this is what my life will be from now on even if i don’t want it to.
Love Jags xoxo