This is a bit of a personal post, and it’s really hard for me to say. I think i’ve re-written this post at least 5 times, but i’m going to try stick with this one. I must have taken at least 3 days to write this, I think that proves how anxious I am right now.
So a few years ago I had a friend who I was really close with. Let’s call her Natalie. I thought she was the best person in the world and I tried my hardest to be exactly like her.
While I was friends with her, I got my first boyfriend. It was one of those awkward year 6 relationships where you don’t know what you’re doing. What I didn’t know was that he was the ex of Natalie, and it’s a sort of unspoken rule that you DO NOT date your friends ex’s.
So she grew a hatred for me, I don’t know if this was the only reason but it was clear that she hated me with a passion. She would spread rumors about me, call me names and she even started sending messages to me almost everyday telling me something horrible about myself.
I think this was where my anxiety and everything else started. I just want to clarify that it was not entirely her fault, we are friends now and I know that she feels horrible about what she did and I forgave her. There was so many people and things that contributed to what has happened and I don’t blame her for everything.
Anyway what I really wanted to talk about is what has been happening to me the past year and a bit.
So as you know I have anxiety and I get panic attacks sometimes but there is something else that has grown from all of this. I think it came from how I’m so scared of what other people think of me, how I look and if i’m liked by people.
I started to starve myself.
I’m in a constant awareness of how I look, I worry about if I have a double chin, if my stomach looks to big, if i’m so fat that it’s disgusting. And it’s the most horrible thing to experience. It’s like being trapped in a room with every piece of furniture, every wall, the ceiling, the floor, absolutely everything covered in all of your faults and it’s impossible to get away from it.
So that’s why I started it, I didn’t believe people when they told me I was slim, I could only see fat. I didn’t believe people when they said I was pretty, I could only see ugly. And I was, and still am sick of it so I tried to break out of that room filled with my faults. To smash through the wall into another room with all of the beautiful things about me.
But that’s not what happened. All that happened was another space was created in that room to write another fault. ‘Anorexic’. And it makes me feel worse. It doesn’t make me slim but I do it because I can’t stand being the person that everyone speaks about. How fat she is, how ugly she is, why does she even bother living? Even if it doesn’t work I try as hard as possible to lose all my fat. Even if it makes me sick, I wouldn’t care which sounds sad but it’s true, I just want to look like other people and to be comfortable in my own body.
And sometimes I ask why I keep living and sometimes I just wish a car would come out of no where while i’m crossing the road so everything ends before it can get any worse.
I just feel trapped and completely alone, even if I was in a crowded room I would feel all by myself.
I love all of you and if you ever need anyone to talk to then just tell me because I know what it’s like to go through horrible things like this, I still am and I haven’t recovered yet but if you need to talk to anyone just know that I will always be here.