Do you ever feel beautiful? Because you should. It’s a rare thing though, for someone to say that they are beautiful.
People tell us, ‘oh, you’re so skinny’, ‘wow you have such nice hair’, ‘you are so pretty!’ But when we say it ourselves, when we say that we are beautiful, everyone treats it like a bad thing.
But what about those things you said? What about when you told us that we were beautiful?
Because it feels good to feel beautiful. Especially when you’ve been through a life of bullying and self-hate and self-harm, it feels amazing to finally feel beautiful. Even if it’s only temporary.
The reason I’m writing this is because today I feel beautiful. I woke up and felt horrible. I looked in the mirror and saw ugly. I had a shower and thought fat. I shaved my legs and thought gross. But then I got dressed. I got dressed and I felt…beautiful. Like I might be worth the trouble. Like I might actually be able to love myself one day.
I try not to wear tops that show my stomach because I feel like people will judge me because I’m fat. I do own some of these types of tops though. And today I put one on. And I thought ‘I don’t look too bad’. Then I put a pair of jeans on. And I looked at my butt and thought ‘It doesn’t look too big’. Then I put boots and a cardigan on, even though I’m not going anywhere today. And I looked at myself in the mirror, fully dressed, and thought ‘I look…pretty’.
I don’t know why I feel this way today but I do, I feel amazing. I want to walk out of the house right now and drive into the middle of the city and walk around screaming and yelling and jumping. I want to live.
A few months ago, a few weeks ago, a few days ago, a few minutes ago, I didn’t think it was possible to feel this good ever again. And I hope this feeling lasts, I never want to feel bad about myself again even though I know that that is what will happen.
I just want anyone to know, anyone who’s feeling worthless and ugly and fat, you are worth the trouble of loving. You are worth everything. And no one deserves to feel horrible like we do, especially because YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. It may look like you will never get better but today, I proved to myself that it will.
I imagined the days where I will get dressed up like this. I will do my hair. I will put on makeup. And I will drive to wherever I want and I will have fun. I will live like I’ve always wanted to. And I will be ALIVE.
I’m making a vow to myself now to NEVER GIVE UP. And I want you to promise me that too. NEVER. GIVE. UP. Because I know that if you give up, you will regret it for the rest of your life.
Feel beautiful. Ignore everyone. Don’t live someone else’s life. Don’t follow someone else’s rules. Make your own standards. Make your own future.