So this is something that happened quite a while ago but I’ve realised that I’m really annoyed about it. So, of course, I’m going to vent my anger through a blog post.
Okay so you may know that I went to a 5sos concert in Sydney at the start of October and I went with Kay, Ash and Ash’s mum. It was such a fun time and I really loved it but there was one thing that happened that really bugged me.
We were heading out to the concert so we were getting into the hotel elevator to go downstairs to the lobby. While we were in the elevator I had my arms sort of spread out on the railing and was leaning my back against it. Because of the position of my arms, my forearms were completely exposed because I was wearing a short sleeve t-shirt. On my forearm was three cuts that were about a week old (If you don’t get what I mean by cuts I mean like, self-harm). And Kay was standing opposite me so she could easily see them. Instead of keeping quiet or asking me later, she full on blurted out in the silent elevator…
‘You cutting, mate?’
Are. You. Serious.
Everyone turned to look at me, including Ash’s mum, so I quickly crossed my arms so the cuts were hidden. I was blushing and stuttering, switched onto panic mode, but I managed to get out…
‘No, I think its from the other day when I was outside and fell over.’
That was a complete lie, because, lets be honest, when do I EVER go outside? But anyway, everyone turned away except for Kay who raised her eyebrows at me as if saying ‘sure thing’ because she probably knew I was lying.
But actually. What the hell went through her mind for her to feel the need to call me out in a cramped area with someones MOTHER in the same room. You would actually have to be stuffed in the head to do that.
If you want to ask someone about their self-harm you do NOT ask them when there is other people around. And you do NOT ask them out of the blue. Be fucking considerate with your words because one mess up and you could make them feel like shit, just like Kay did to me.
She made me feel targeted and signaled out, like I was a freak and was different to everyone else. She made me feel more self-conscious than I already was. I spent the rest of the night consciously hiding the cuts with my hand or a jumper. And to think that I was actually contemplating going to her for help!
You may be asking yourself why I didn’t just hide the cuts in the first place.
Well, when you live with cuts like that all over your body every day then its not really something you think about. It’s just like another limb. You don’t consciously think about your pinkie finger, it’s simply just there. So it never even went through my mind to hide the cuts under a band-aid or with makeup. But I can assure that I fucking think about it now because of what Kay said.
To make matters worse, later that night she did the same kind of thing again.
Us two were sharing a bedroom so we were getting changed and stuff but, again, I forgot about the cuts on my thighs. So I was taking off my shorts and putting on my pajama shorts while Kay was turned the other way but she turned around just as I was putting them on. She must’ve caught a glimpse of one or two of them so she asked…
‘Whats that from?’
Not as bad as the first time but I wasn’t going to spill my heart out to her in a fucking hotel room in Sydney. You want to talk deep? Ask if we can talk deep. Take me somewhere I’m comfortable and won’t be overhead then ask if you can ask about my self-harm. Don’t just bring it up randomly after a really fun night and ruin it all.
So I just told her..
‘It’s nothing, don’t worry. Just scratches.’
I wasn’t going to make up a full on story for it again after what she’d done TWICE now.
I basically just ignored her whenever she tried to bring it up because I was NOT happy with how she was doing it. I guess I could’ve told her to drop it and bring it up another time (or not) but she was being so fucking inconsiderate and pushy. Forcing me to tell you isn’t going to help in any way. It will probably make things worse.
URGH sorry just had to get that rant out.
If you know someone with self-harm cuts (not scars, CUTS, there’s a big difference) then don’t do what Kay did. If you want to ask them then follow my advise. Take them somewhere secluded where they are comfortable and there is no one else around. Ask them if you can ask them about the cuts. Say something like…
‘Would you mind if I asked about self-harm? If you don’t want to talk about it then I completely understand and that’s fine. But if you ever want to talk then I’m here for you’
Knowing someone is there for you is amazing, even if you never go to them for help, just having their presence really helps. And be understanding and careful. Don’t blab out the first thing that comes to your head. Don’t interrupt. Just listen to what they have to say and if they want you to talk, then you can talk. Assure them, be understanding, don’t pity them and feel sorry for them. They are just like everyone else in the world so don’t treat them like a dog with three legs.
Okay, rant done. Feelings out. Woo! Relaxation.