So on the weekend Kay and Ash came over for a sleepover. We went on a walk and ended up getting into a very deep conversation. We were kind of just talking about like our life problems. I was just thinking the whole time ‘I should tell them about my parents. I should tell them.’
Finally, I was like ‘hey can we sit down here for a minute.’ and so we did. Once we were sat down I was trying to find a way to tell them. I was just thinking ‘I can’t do this. But I should. I’ll feel better later.’ (and I do). So finally I just came out with it and said in a kind of joking way ‘I think my parents like hate each other.’
Ash asked why.
And I told them everything. Stuff I haven’t even shared on this blog.
I told them how when my dad randomly left the house and went to the coast for a couple of days, I think my mum lied to me when she said he was testing his new car. How I thought they’d had a fight.
Then I told them about when he had come back from the coast. How he was screaming and yelling. How he was frantically cleaning the house 5 times over. How I think he has OCD/anxiety but won’t admit it. I said how mum was so upset she stayed in her room for 3 hours after screaming at him for an hour before hand. How when I brought a cup of tea to her room she looked tired and like she was fed up of everything.
I admitted I didn’t want them to divorce. But then I also think it might be for the better. But I don’t want two birthdays. Two Christmas’. Two Easters. Two bedrooms. I just want one of everything. All I need is one.
During this whole conversation I was balling my eyes out. I actually had to stop at one point because I was sobbing so much. I could barely create a word in my mind let alone my mouth. I didn’t realise how much stress and sadness I had been holding in until I released it all in one big wave. I never realised how much it affected me.
They tried to give advice. They said to talk to them alone and ask them about it. To recommend couples counselling and for my dad to go to the doctors. And I appreciate it.
But I really don’t want to do anything about it. I just want to let it be and let them work it out themselves. I think with the added pressure from me, it would just make it harder for them both and I want them just to be happy and for life to be easy for them.
So I’m going to stay quiet.
Even though it’s horrible to hear them scream every night. And look at other peoples parents as they hug and kiss and love each other. But I think it will just be easier to stay quiet.
Sometimes all we need is a little quiet.