Okay so just for today I’m taking a break from the whole Jags Is Coming To Town blogmas thing because I really really just need to talk like I used to. Before december I used to post things all the time with updates about my mental health, my body image, stuff like that, but while I’ve been doing Jags Is Coming To Town I have been so caught up in those posts that I’ve not wanted to break my routine. But I need to. I really really need to.
I’ll be honest and say that I haven’t been feeling good recently. Good about myself, my life, just everything.
I’m afraid of eating. I’m afraid of dating. I’m afraid of going out. I’m afraid of socialising. I’m afraid of the world and everything it has to offer.
I feel fat. No, I am fat. And I know what you’re thinking, ‘every girl thinks they’re fat even though they’re not’. And maybe some people don’t think I’m fat. But when I look in the mirror all I can see is fat. Oh look I’m getting a double chin. Oh look my thighs are too big. Oh look my butt is too big. Oh look my stomach is giant. These thoughts just crowding my thoughts when I merely pass a tiny reflection in a window.
I don’t necessarily think my face is too ugly, although damn my acne be out of control lately please kill me, but the fact that all I see is fat just makes it so much worse.
And my anxiety is just going through the roof. Every single time I have to do something, whether it be going to the supermarket with my mum or going to a concert with my friends, I over think and overreact and make everything so much more difficult than it needs to be. I always reach a point with my anxiety when I begin to regret and want to quit whatever it is I have to do. And so I start freaking out and having anxiety attacks and that’s when I feel worst about myself.
I just want it to stop. I need it to stop. Because if it goes on for any longer I don’t think I can do it anymore.
Depression hasn’t been great either. I constantly feel sad. And like I ruin everything. And that I’m disgusting and worthless and I don’t deserve any of this. So when I feel like that I cut. And every time I do it I think back to all my friends and think, what would they do if they found out? What would they do if I told them? And who am I disappointing by doing this?
And I contemplate and wonder if I should just get the help I so desperately want but then I remember what people say. I know of girls like me who’ve done self harm on their arms where it’s visible at school with our short sleeved dresses. I put my cuts in places where no one will ever see them so I don’t have that problem but other girls do. And when someone sees those cuts and scars they instantly report back to their friends and spread the word. I’ve experienced this first hand with a girl in our group. She saw someone in our grade with cuts and came back to us and told us. Then she went on and on about how attention seeking they were and how so many people cut and it doesn’t even matter and it’s so dumb. And all the while I’m sitting there thinking that that is what people would say about me if they knew.
So I can’t. I just can’t. But I want to and I need to. But I seriously just I can’t.
My mum always talks about how lucky our family is that we have basically no one with mental conditions or physical conditions and how could I break her heart and tell her that I’m messed up. That I have mental conditions. I just can’t do that to her and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.
Moving onto a subject not about me, I’ve been worried about Kay recently.
So the other day I went to a food festival thing and I brought along Ash and Kay. This is something that really annoys me about Kay, she is ALWAYS on her phone. Really, can you not turn off your phone and go off snapchat for merely a couple of hours and socialise with your two best friends? Whatever you think you’re missing out on will probably still be there later on and does it really matter that much if you miss a tiny thing on someone’s story that you won’t even remember the next day?
Anyway, she was talking to someone on snapchat and so I just asked who it was and she was like oh this guy I met online. First of all, HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING TO EVERY SINGLE YEAR GROUP ASSEMBLY WE’VE HAD OVER THE PAST 2 YEARS? Literally every term we have an assembly talking about not talking to random guys you met online and that they are probably either old creepy dudes or they’re going to want something from you (i.e nudes). So he sent her a message and we were just kind of crowding around her phone as she opened it because we wanted to see what he said and he was like:
Him: Hey baby
NOOOOOOOO. Ash and I screamed as we externally and internally cringed but Kay was like guys chill it’s not a big deal. Um, someone calling you baby when you’re not even dating is very weird and a very big deal. If someone did that I would be like wtf no.
Him: What are you up to 😉
THE WINKING FACE. THE FREAKING WINKING FACE.
Kay: Just out with some friends
Him: Oh that’s a shame
Him: Talk later? xxx
HE SENT HER X’S. AND THEY’RE NOT DATING. AND SHE BARELY KNOWS HIM. AND THEY’RE BARELY FRIENDS. You can obviously tell where he wants the conversation to go, but Kay just simply refused to believe it as Ash and I tried to convince her that it was creepy, weird, and super cringey. Then later another guy snapchatted her and we were like wow how many guys do you have? AND SHE HAD LEGIT LIKE 20 GUYS THAT SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW. She talks to all these guys and some of them even send her dick pics, yet she still doesn’t see how wrong it is.
Talking to guys you don’t know on the internet is not smart, safe, or funny. I’m seriously worried that she’s gonna end up sending nudes. I know that she wouldn’t want to do that but I know for certain, because she’s told me, that she’s been asked for them multiple times. And when you get asked for nudes and people really really push and say things like ‘I will never talk to you again if you don’t send them’ then sometimes people give in and end up sending them and I’m afraid that will happen to Kay. BUT SHE KEEPS TALKING TO THEM. If someone asked me for nudes I would not respond and instantly block them. But she keeps on talking to these creepy guys and I’m like, what’s wrong with you?! If she keeps acting like this and it gets worse I’m gonna talk to Ash and see if we could tell her how bad it is and try make her stop.
I’m going to stop there, but that’s my rant/life update post for today. I promise we’ll be back to the normal schedule tomorrow but I just needed today to talk about some things.
9 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!