My anxiety is getting worse. There’s no doubt about it. Things that I used to be able to do with no hesitation are now horrific, fear inducing, wetting my pants situations that I have to over come on a daily basis.
When 2017 rolled around, on first impressions I thought that perhaps my anxiety would get a bit better, that the fear and anxiousness of 2016 would slowly wash away. But now I’m finding that my anxiety is creeping up, and if it reaches the maximum level that my mind can handle I think I’ll break down. And I don’t want to break down. I don’t want people to look at me and go ‘there’s the girl who had a panic attack in the canteen’ or ‘there’s the girl who gets taken out of class to go to therapy’. I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want people to whisper about me and speculate about my person life. I don’t want my parents to be disappointed in me.
See, by this point a lot of people in my position probably would have told someone. Someone who could help. I’ve thought countless times about talking to my mum or my sister or one of my teachers but the thought of approaching someone and talking about this horrific thing that locks me down and makes me go insane is just daunting. I’m getting anxiety even just thinking about it.
And we learn about people like me in health sometimes. We learn about mental illness. And every time we have a class on it I feel like I’m lined up in front of the firing squad. Everyone talking about these ‘poor girls’ who have anxiety and ‘how hard it must be for them’. And all the while I’m sitting there with my head down, being extra quiet when all I want to do is stand up and scream.
One of my favourite teachers, the one that I have debated about telling and asking for help – and coming pretty close sometimes – decided to move from my school to another. And so my plans to perhaps get help from a teacher have basically gone down the toilet. I can’t think of another teacher that I would be comfortable talking to about my problems. And that teacher who moved was my PC (homeroom) teacher so she knew me well and I had talked to her about other personal things before.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in a position I don’t know how to get out of. Ash and Kay know but somehow I don’t think they’d get me help unless I asked, which i wouldn’t have the courage to do. I guess I’m secretly hoping that they’ll decide I really need help and go fuck it and tell a teacher who can do something.
Do you have any idea what I should do? Because I certainly don’t.