An Experience With Suicide

Okay I’m pissed. I’m pissed at Kay. I’m pissed at the world. I’m pissed at humanity. 

So there’s a chick in my year who’s…a bit reckless. She smokes, drinks, take drugs, only at the age of 15. I don’t know her very well, I’ve merely said hello in the hallway and I follow her on Instagram and snapchat. 

But today she’s been posting things on her snapchat story that really scared me. First was a picture of a police station. Then another picture saying ‘today’s the day’. Another showing a load of matches, pills and cigarettes. Then one showing her saying ‘last chance to see everything about me’ then showing her Instagram after it. After going over her story quite a few times I realised she meant that today’s the day she kills herself. Today’s the day she commits suicide. 

Of course I panicked and started messaging ash but she wasn’t checking her snapchat so I texted our group chat with ash and Kay and said something like ‘guys I don’t know what to do help me please’. 

Kay: what’s happened?

Me: have you seen (suicidal girls name)’s snapchat story?

Kay: yes

Me: We’re witnesses and I’ve heard countless stories where piers who knew what were gonna happen did nothing and I don’t wanna be one of those people. Do we message her and ask if she’s okay or call 000 or tell someone’s parents?

Kay: Jags there’s nothing we can do. we aren’t close with (girls name) and we shouldn’t get involved. 

Me: Are you serious??? Just cause we aren’t close with her doesn’t mean we can’t save her life. You know her and if I was in a position where I was suicidal, even if I was determined to do it, deep down I would really really want someone, anyone, to step in and do something. 

Kay: jags seriously. Look I’m talking to her right now. 

Me: Really? Okay good. Is she k?

Kay: She told me she’s ok. Look honestly I know she has people there with her. She’s surrounded by people who love her and care about her. I’m sorta good friends with her so I told her that I’ll always be here to talk if she needs and she’s thankful for that. 

Me: ok good. Sorry for showing some compassion. 

Kay: I know you have good intentions. And I’m sorry if this sounds a lil cocky but I’m pretty sure I know (girls name) better then you. It’s ok. She has people who are there for her. 

WHAT THE FUCK. THIS POOR GIRL IS ABOUT TO KILL HERSELF AND YOUR SAYING WE SHOULDNT GET FUCKING INVOLVED? THIS IS A LIFE AT RISK NOT A BLOODY ENGLISH GRADE OR SOME SHIT. JESUS CHRIST WHERE IS YOUR HUMANITY. 

So at this point I was pissed out of my mind and so I didn’t respond to the last text Kay sent, just to get my point across that I was pissed. 

I’ll admit, Kay does know this girl better than I do. They had some classes together last year and they were pretty good friends. So I completely understood that she knew her better but that doesn’t mean I can’t care about her. I care about everyone in our grade, everyone in our school, and I would never ever standby and let someone die without doing a thing. Going off of Kay’s story, I’m hoping that she’s okay right now and isn’t doing anything she’ll regret. 

3 HOURS LATER

Okay so on this girls Instagram she’s linked to another account where she’s posted loads of personal stuff about her life for everyone to read. It’s meant to be a kind of ‘this is why I did it and fuck you’ to the people who drove her to do this. I’ve been reading over it again and again for about 2 hours just crying and crying and crying. 

Now, think back earlier to when I said I don’t know her that well. And if I don’t know her that well, then why am I crying so much?

Well the answer to that question is because I relate to her. 

I relate to her so much it’s fucking crazy. 

On one of the posts it’s a picture of her in a bikini and the caption saying something about how she hates her face and her body and I just though, me too. 

Then another with scars from her cutting and I looked my own arm and thought, me too. 

Then she talked about her anxiety and depression and temptation for suicide and I thought, me too. 

We have the same fucking life. We are the same fucking people. We have the same fucking problems. 

It could just as easily have been me in her position. 

And that’s why I’m crying. 

That girl about to overdose, or perhaps has already done it, could’ve been me. And not just like, ‘oh maybe that could’ve been me’, I mean like I could’ve done that just now and I’d be gone before anyone knew what to do. 

And it makes me sad because she is one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen and I know she deserves to live and have a life and be happy because she’s been through so much when I don’t deserve that. I’ve been through barely anything at all. Out of the two of us, she’s the one who should live. 

I want her to live. 

I need her to live. 

God, please let her live. 

2 DAYS LATER

Holy shit this is one of the happiest days I’ve ever had. 

So for 2 days I have been sitting in anticipation, tearing up every time I thought of her, imagining the ceremony at school to announce this girls suicide. I’ve been checking Instagram and Snapchat repeatedly, looking for any signs that she’s alive. 

My mum, sister and I just got back from the movies and dinner and I went on my snapchat to check my stories and saw one from this girl. I instantly clicked it and screamed in joy, tears streaming down my face as I read the message from this girl. It was a picture of her arm, obviously in hospital, and her saying ‘ahaha already giving me shit for not dying??’. Obviously, that’s quite morbid but then I checked her Instagram and saw that she had posted something. It read something along the lines of ‘I made sure I could get discharged for the first day of school’ (we go back on the 31st ew, by the way I’m writing this before we’ve gone back so by the time this is posted I probably will have written a post about the first day and some other shit) ‘and as soon as I turned my phone on I was getting messages saying that I should have died. Thanks everyone for everything though. Wish I didn’t get sent to hospital though’. I’m so happy that she’s okay and if we have any classes together I’m going to try and make her feel welcome and smile at her whenever I see her. 

I’ll be keeping everyone in a position involving suicide in mind and in my prayers for a while because I’ve now experienced first hand what it’s like to be involved in something like that. 

There is always another way. There will always be someone there for you, even if they’re a complete stranger. If you’re even considering suicide, please know that there is another option. There’s always another option. And I will always be open to talk about anything, even if it just be to talk about your day. I love you all and I hope you are all doing well. 

Stay strong my little ones. 

Jags xxxx

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6 thoughts on “An Experience With Suicide

    • I’m glad you enjoyed! Yeah it was very emotional (well I’m guessing so because I cried while writing half of it!) but I’m hoping that anyone out there scared and alone can look at this and see that things will be okay if you just believe in yourself 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Wow this is intense. Maybe one day you could show her this post to show her that there are people that care about her. I mean you cared about what will happen to her although you two are not close. I hope she will get through this. You too need to start believing in yourself. You know that there will always be people who care about you. You are awesome. I care about you and I haven’t even met you. Stay strong

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aw this is so sweet! Thank you so much for the support. I hope that she’s better now, from what I’ve seen she looks like she’s a bit happier but you never know what’s happening on the inside. I really hope she’s okay.
      Thank you again, it’s so nice to hear that people care about you xx

      Liked by 1 person

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