WARNING: I use a lot of swear words in the post and if you get triggered by reading stuff about suicide, self harm and eating disorders then stop reading this now. This past week was good. It was so fun and I actually enjoyed school and I felt happy. But at the same time it was the worst week I’ve had in a long time.
So all week I’ve been feeling so self conscious about my body. All I can think about myself is fat, ugly, stupid and today I was just done with it.
So I starved myself. I haven’t eaten a thing all day. Well, I have but as soon as I ate it, I went and vomited it straight back up.
I’m just sick of feeling fat and I feel like the only way out that is quick enough for me is starving myself. I just don’t want to have to deal with food and my body anymore.
And to be honest, not eating makes me feel good. It makes me feel skinny and happy and healthy, even though I’m aware it’s not.
Just to add the cherry on top, I also went and fucked myself up by cutting myself.
Fucking hell i’m so messed and i’m just done with it honestly. There’s so many kids out there who cut and are depressed and I’m sick of being another one of ‘those’ people as its described at school.
I see those people looking at my wrist and turning to their friends to talk about me. I can tell that you’re watching me and everything I do.
But for me, cutting isn’t for fucking attention. It’s because I’m depressed and I want to die and it’s a stress reliever so don’t fucking go off at me and other people for cutting themselves and seeking ‘attention’ because for a lot of people it’s actually because they don’t want to live anymore and they hate themselves.
I’m about to go eat fucking dinner and I’m so scared because I know as soon as I eat one mouthful I’m going to feel fat and ugly again and I’m just going to want to go and throw up for the second time today. I can’t eat dinner no I seriously can’t. If I eat I’ll get fat again. And I can’t get fat. I can’t eat. Fuck fuck fuck fuck if I eat I’m actually going to fucking kill myself. I’m going to get so fat and people will talk about me and I just don’t want to eat. I can’t fucking eat!!!!
Nobody should care about me I’m such a burden and a fucktard and ughhhhh why do people have to care. It would be so much easier if no one cared about me and no would ask questions about my cuts and why I’m not eating. I just want to be alone and skinny and dead. I just want to fucking die. Someone kill me before this gets any worse.
Edit: just read this over and I’m sorry guys. I’m so sorry for swearing so much and being such a bitch. Today was one of the worst days I’ve had. And right now all I want to do is cry but I don’t even have the emotion to do that.
My brain is telling me not to put this up on my blog because it’s too rude and it’s angry and not the impression that I usually give on my blog.
But I want people to know that this is the bad version of me. This is the version that hates the world and wants to kill herself. And as I always promised to be honest and true to you guys, I’m going to show that side of me in this post.
I’m sorry if you took offence to this. I’m sorry if you were triggered. But this is the way I am inside my brain and this is what I listen to all day long.
Thank you for being there for me, even though I don’t deserve it.
Let’s hope tomorrow is a better day. Because I guess all I can do is keep up moving forward. There’s no point in loitering in the past. Because the past is the past and there’s no going back there. So I might as well forget about it and focus on the future.
Even though the past isn’t something you can control, the future is. So make it worthwhile.