I haven’t written a post in a while – mostly due to lack of creativity – but I thought why not do it now as I’m bored as fuck. I’m literally sitting in the school bathroom right now to get away of my demon of a English teacher who I actually could murder if I was compelled enough. We had an assignment due today and holy fucking shit she needs to calm her ass. When I told her I was a little bit over the word limit she was like ‘no you have to be on it exactly’. But I’d already edited all I could out of it and if I took anymore out it would just sound shit. So I just death glared her, said ‘fine’ and deleted the whole end of my assignment so it was in the world limit. Suck on that you fucking bitch ass of a woman. She needs to take that giant stick out of her ass and realise that no one actually gives a fuck about year 9 English and no one cares about your lengthy speeches you like to bestow upon us. And every time I ask to go to the toilet and I say ‘may I go to the bathroom please?’ Like we were taught to in primary school, she back chats and tells me ‘it’s called a toilet’ and gives me this fucking obnoxious glare that makes me want to slap her. Earlier when I asked I literally rolled my eyes at her and walked out of the class without even waiting for her to say that I could. Jesus Christ I hate her. I had her in year 7 as well and I literally learnt shit all that whole year. I’ve asked my mum if I can move from her class and she said maybe, if they accepted my reasoning. I just dread going to her class and I really really want to move. Hopefully I’ll get to. Another thing that I want to touch on (I can’t remember if I told you guys this or not? If I have, hang in there) is that I’ve been having a lot more panic attacks than I usually do. I haven’t had one too recently but last week I had two panic attacks two days in a row and it was not fun. They were mostly because of my body image and I just felt incredibly ugly and fat and like I would never be pretty and skinny like other girls. But this morning as I was having a shower I looked at myself in the mirror (and don’t think me self centred for this) and thought ‘I feel beautiful’. So what if I have a different body type? I’m a bit bigger and curvier than other girls but I’m not fat. If someone I didn’t know looked at me they probably wouldn’t think ‘wow that girl is fat’ they would probably just think I looked like a regular girl. So what I have smaller boobs than most? So what my stomach sticks out a bit more? So what I have wider thighs? If I’m happy and I feel good about myself then that’s okay.
A lot of the time I don’t feel good about myself and I do want to lose weight. And I think I probably always will want to lose weight but I want to do it in a way that makes me happy.
I think I’m going to make a post about my weight loss because it’s something I want to do to make me feel good but I also need the determination to do it and I think that support from you guys will really help me.
I don’t really know what this post was, sort of just a chat, but I hope you enjoyed!
Sorry for my unplanned hiatus but I’ve just been extremely lazy and I do have a lot of half-done posts that I will eventually get round to sharing with you guys, just stay with me okay? Okay. Cool.
Lastly, sorry for forgetting to do my little book update things at the end of my posts. I’ve finished Because You’ll Never Meet Me and A Thousand Pieces Of You. I’m now onto Ten Thousand Skies Above You.
Reading: Ten Thousand Skies Above You
Thoughts: where is this going? Ugh the suspense is killing me.