Sometimes I feel so insignificant and worthless to those around me, like I’m the character in a tv show who comes in every few episodes and says a few vaguely important lines and disappears into the background again. Everyone else is the main character and I’m the boring sidekick.
What sparked this sudden spurt of anger and hurt you may be asking? Well, let me tell you the story.
My best friend Ash went on a three week cruise to Hawaii and back to Australia a few weeks ago. For those three weeks I was left with basically no one to feel supported by and I was forced way way way out of my comfort zone. For those who’ve had experiences with anxiety before, being pushed out of your comfort zone is about the worst thing possible. I had to make new friends in half of my classes, I had to work by myself in group projects when everyone else had a partner and half the time I was too scared of asking people if I could sit with them in class so I just sat by myself. And worst of all, I didn’t have my companion that I could go to assemblies to and meetings with and sit together. So most of the time I had to sit by myself. And whenever I have to do anything like that where I have to be by myself, I always feel like people are laughing and staring at me and talking about how much of a loner I am. Of course most of the time this isn’t true but the thoughts always go through my head nonetheless. This one time I was going to a year 9 assembly and as I was approaching the room where it was being held (by myself) I scanned the room and couldn’t see any of my friends and I had a moment where my heart started beating incredibly fast and I felt really dizzy and faint and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. So I just sat down at the back of the room by myself and tried to calm myself down and make my breathing normal again. Obviously none of this is Ash’s fault but I had to deal with so much shit while she was away with absolutely no support from anyone and then she comes back I feel like she doesn’t even give a crap. I made so many new friends and I actually started to feel a lot more confident with myself and with talking to other people but as soon as she came back it was like all of my new found confidence went down the drain.
Okay maybe I should start putting a bit of this into some context.
I began getting really close to a girl called P. I only met her this year but we instantly clicked and became really good friends. Ash is also friends with her, but while she was away P and I got a lot closer and she kind of became my replacement for Ash. And when Ash came back, P continued sitting with us and I felt like we could all became really good friends as a trio. So I suggested to Ash that we ask if P wanted to come to Ed Sheeran with us because we had an extra ticket. It Ash straight away started making up excuses like ‘Oh it would be so awkward though’ which she says all the time and I don’t understand. She says it literally about her best friends and I’m like what the hell how do you think everything is awkward. And then she said ‘and P creeps me out a bit sometimes too’ and I asked her how and she said ‘she keeps touching my arm and my shoulder and stuff’. I honestly don’t understand Ash sometimes. Friends don’t usually have a ‘no touching’ rule. Touching each other’s arm or shoulders is not a weird thing to do. I just don’t get it. So then I said to her ‘well I won’t invite her unless you actually want her to come’ which is true because I feel like I always have to please everyone (even though no one does that for me) and then Ash said ‘yeah I just think it would be weird’. P has become one of my closest friends and I thought we could all have a really good time together in Sydney as close friends but obviously that’s not going to happen, because apparently I’m staring on The Ash Show and I’m barely even in the storyline.
Another thing that’s pissed me off is that I started sitting with a bigger group of people at lunch times when she was away and I became really good friends with all of them. They’re all really nice and we all have the same sense of humour and honestly lunch times were 100 times better than they were with Ash. But when she came back we continued sitting with them and she looked like she was getting along well with everyone and I was really happy but then after one lunch time she said to me ‘I don’t really like sitting with them’ and boom I was back on The Ash Show. I think I said something like ‘oh really? Don’t you think it’s so much better though? It’s a lot more fun’ and she said ‘I just feel like it’s better with our old group’. Me being me, I tried to keep the peace and make everyone happy so I said ‘well obviously I don’t want you to be unhappy if we’re sitting with them and I won’t force you to but I really enjoyed sitting with them while you were away’ and then she said something like ‘well maybe we can sit with them sometimes’ and then changed the subject. That was it. I wasn’t allowed to sit with them anymore. I sat there in silence thinking about it for most of lunch and eventually I came to the conclusion that I’m sick of being pushed around like that anymore. I never think about myself and want makes me happy, instead I’m always thinking of what other people want. So no, I’m not going to stop sitting and being friends with people who make my life so much better and who distract me from all the negative things that happen.
I don’t want to be the sidekick in the show anymore. I want to be front and centre, next to all my mates without anything holding us back.