Thank You Australia – Gay Marriage

15th of November, 2017.

This was the day that gay marriage was legalised in Australia.

This was the day that, finally, love was allowed to be love, and equality was welcomed into Australia.

Finally, all those who I know who are apart of the LGBT+ community have a future ahead of them filled with love and hope and equality.

I’ve never been prouder to be an Australian than I am today, that finally we have welcomed and accepted every single type of person in our legend of a country with open arms and open hearts. And I only hope that this sense of equality continues.

Because now, my friends, my family, even strangers, who live in Australia will be able to live in happiness with whoever they wish.

I just want to say thank you to all those Australians who voted yes, because you are the people who are taking steps in the right direction to making our country a better, more diverse place. I also want to say thank you to all those people in other countries who have been congratulating us on our win, because trust me, it is appreciated. Scrolling through all the tweets and Instagram posts from celebrities and friends of mine who live overseas has been truly heartwarming.

If you want to know more about the Australian gay marriage vote then you can click here. By the way, my state had the highest yes vote out of all the states, and I’m extremely proud of the community I live in at the moment.

So yeah, thanks Australia. May we all live with happiness and love in our hearts.

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The End Of Sidekick Jags

Sometimes I feel so insignificant and worthless to those around me, like I’m the character in a tv show who comes in every few episodes and says a few vaguely important lines and disappears into the background again. Everyone else is the main character and I’m the boring sidekick. 

What sparked this sudden spurt of anger and hurt you may be asking? Well, let me tell you the story. 

My best friend Ash went on a three week cruise to Hawaii and back to Australia a few weeks ago. For those three weeks I was left with basically no one to feel supported by and I was forced way way way out of my comfort zone. For those who’ve had experiences with anxiety before, being pushed out of your comfort zone is about the worst thing possible. I had to make new friends in half of my classes, I had to work by myself in group projects when everyone else had a partner and half the time I was too scared of asking people if I could sit with them in class so I just sat by myself. And worst of all, I didn’t have my companion that I could go to assemblies to and meetings with and sit together. So most of the time I had to sit by myself. And whenever I have to do anything like that where I have to be by myself, I always feel like people are laughing and staring at me and talking about how much of a loner I am. Of course most of the time this isn’t true but the thoughts always go through my head nonetheless. This one time I was going to a year 9 assembly and as I was approaching the room where it was being held (by myself) I scanned the room and couldn’t see any of my friends and I had a moment where my heart started beating incredibly fast and I felt really dizzy and faint and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. So I just sat down at the back of the room by myself and tried to calm myself down and make my breathing normal again. Obviously none of this is Ash’s fault but I had to deal with so much shit while she was away with absolutely no support from anyone and then she comes back I feel like she doesn’t even give a crap. I made so many new friends and I actually started to feel a lot more confident with myself and with talking to other people but as soon as she came back it was like all of my new found confidence went down the drain. 

Okay maybe I should start putting a bit of this into some context. 

I began getting really close to a girl called P. I only met her this year but we instantly clicked and became really good friends. Ash is also friends with her, but while she was away P and I got a lot closer and she kind of became my replacement for Ash. And when Ash came back, P continued sitting with us and I felt like we could all became really good friends as a trio. So I suggested to Ash that we ask if P wanted to come to Ed Sheeran with us because we had an extra ticket.  It Ash straight away started making up excuses like ‘Oh it would be so awkward though’ which she says all the time and I don’t understand. She says it literally about her best friends and I’m like what the hell how do you think everything is awkward. And then she said ‘and P creeps me out a bit sometimes too’ and I asked her how and she said ‘she keeps touching my arm and my shoulder and stuff’. I honestly don’t understand Ash sometimes. Friends don’t usually have a ‘no touching’ rule. Touching each other’s arm or shoulders is not a weird thing to do. I just don’t get it. So then I said to her ‘well I won’t invite her unless you actually want her to come’ which is true because I feel like I always have to please everyone (even though no one does that for me) and then Ash said ‘yeah I just think it would be weird’. P has become one of my closest friends and I thought we could all have a really good time together in Sydney as close friends but obviously that’s not going to happen, because apparently I’m staring on The Ash Show and I’m barely even in the storyline. 

Another thing that’s pissed me off is that I started sitting with a bigger group of people at lunch times when she was away and I became really good friends with all of them. They’re all really nice and we all have the same sense of humour and honestly lunch times were 100 times better than they were with Ash. But when she came back we continued sitting with them and she looked like she was getting along well with everyone and I was really happy but then after one lunch time she said to me ‘I don’t really like sitting with them’ and boom I was back on The Ash Show. I think I said something like ‘oh really? Don’t you think it’s so much better though? It’s a lot more fun’ and she said ‘I just feel like it’s better with our old group’. Me being me, I tried to keep the peace and make everyone happy so I said ‘well obviously I don’t want you to be unhappy if we’re sitting with them and I won’t force you to but I really enjoyed sitting with them while you were away’ and then she said something like ‘well maybe we can sit with them sometimes’ and then changed the subject. That was it. I wasn’t allowed to sit with them anymore. I sat there in silence thinking about it for most of lunch and eventually I came to the conclusion that I’m sick of being pushed around like that anymore. I never think about myself and want makes me happy, instead I’m always thinking of what other people want. So no, I’m not going to stop sitting and being friends with people who make my life so much better and who distract me from all the negative things that happen. 

I don’t want to be the sidekick in the show anymore. I want to be front and centre, next to all my mates without anything holding us back. 

Opening Up About Anxiety and Depression

Over the last few weeks I’ve met so many people who have been so open about their mental health issues and their confidence and braveness has really inspired me. It’s reminded me that literally anyone could have a mental health issue that you don’t know about, and just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

A few days ago I was walking to volleyball with one of my friends like we do every Tuesday afternoon but this time there was another girl walking with us who I’m kind of friend with. As we were walking I think we were just talking about our lives and what was going on at the moment and this girl suddenly started talking about her anxiety problems. She said that she’d been having some trouble at home after her sister moved to England and she felt like she had no support, so she started having anxiety attacks and had to see a counsellor. Honestly, for a solid minute I was so shocked that I barely said anything, but looking back I wish I’d come forward and told her about my anxiety. I identified so much with what she was saying but I was just so amazed that this girl I’d been friends with for almost 3 years had been suffering from the exact same thing that I was. And I admire her so much for just being for brave and confident with sharing such a vulnerable part of herself which is something that I haven’t come to the point of being able to do yet.

Only a few days later, earlier today in fact, I was on a short hike for a program called Duke of Edinburgh (I joined this in that period when I wasn’t blogging at all so if you’re curious here’s a link: http://www.dukeofed.com.au/) and there was this boy in our group who’s a year older than us but was super nice, and as we were walking we were going around the group saying fun facts about ourselves and when it got to him he said that he’d overcome depression last year. It was so out of the blue and confident that again, I didn’t know what to say, and obviously I wasn’t going to confide in a complete stranger about my anxiety, but again, it really pushed me to think more about how maybe one day I will be able to talk to people about how I overcame anxiety and was able to do everyday things with no anxiousness whatsoever.

One more thing before I end this blog post, if you’re really struggling with any mental health issues at the moment, I highly recommend you give a listen to Dodie Clark’s song Secret For the Mad from her EP You. When I first listened to it, I burst into tears because it made me feel so much less alone and that other people do know what it’s like to go through what you’re going through. Dodie has suffered from anxiety and depression as well so she does really know what it’s like and she hasn’t just pulled this song out of her ass. After you listen to the song a few times (it was on repeat on my phone for quite a few days) I recommed that you go google the lyrics and just read them for a while and let them sink in, because trust me, they do really really help.

Ok, that’s all for now.

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A New Kind Of Depression

I’m isolating myself. I’m aware that I am. And I know that I should stop but I don’t want to and I don’t think I can.

I’ve felt depressed before, but never like this. It used to feel almost…comical before, it didn’t feel too serious most of the time and I could deal with it. But this time…I don’t know. It’s just different.

And I was doing so well too. I was making new friends, getting out there and doing things that I never used to be able to do. But then suddenly, after one little spurt of anxiety that I posted about a few days ago, I was plunged into this terrible sink hole of depression.

For example, I’m sitting in the bath writing this right now because I had sudden urge to get this all down, and as I stepped into the bath I instantly began imagining ways that I could drown myself. That’s never happened before. I’ve never done something so casual and boring and began to turn it into some horrific death scene.

Now, I’m not suicidal. I know I’m not. I can always tell when I’m suicidal and this is not one of those times. I just feel…empty. And numb. And when I’m in these states I start to think about things like self harm and suicide. I had to stop myself a few minutes ago as I had an urge to cut myself and began rifling around in the bathroom cabinet for scissors. I found some, and as I ran my finger along the blade I came to my senses and shoved them back in the cabinet, slamming it closed.

I just keep thinking that life is so pointless and tedious, why should I even try? I’ve had multiple friends ask me to go to the movies or go out and do something with them, and every time I’ve made up excuses about why I can’t go. I don’t want to see anyone or do anything. All I’ve been doing is lying on the couch eating junk food, which I know may sound like heaven to some people, and to me it usually does too, but doing it in a depressed manner is not fun. I just lie there and think about how depressed and empty I feel, and by doing that, I’m starting to feel more and more of those two things.

But I don’t even want to try to do anything about it like I used to. In some ways, I’m content with just being alone and drowning in my own misery. But I know that I’m going to have to come out of it sometime soon, when I go back to school and when mum comes home, at least partially. I’ll have to start faking smiles and cracking jokes again. And honestly, I don’t know how I’m going to cope with that when the time comes. I actually don’t know if I can go back to school. It’ll either send me over the edge and make me snap, or it will help to get me back on the right track again, it will fill my time and help me organise myself.

Either way, I’ll guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

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“It’s Not A Big Deal”

I had the first run in with my anxiety that I’ve had in quite a while today and I really just felt like writing about it, despite my repeated desertion of this blog.

So one of my friends, I’ll just call her P, whom I only met at the beginning of this year, asked me to go to the movies with her and this guy, J, and his friend. At first I was like ‘yeah! This sounds fun!’ but then, as I always do, I began to think. And think. And think. And think and think and think until I couldn’t think anymore. My head was pounding, filled with thoughts of ‘they’ll all hate me’, ‘they’ll think I’m weird’, ‘it’s going to be so awkward’ until my ears started to ring and I felt like I’d swallowed a stone. So I texted Ash, my best friend, and asked her to come with me. At first she said yes and I was feeling much more confident knowing that I would have someone there who could support me, but then we had to change the day on which we were going to the movies and Ash informed me that she would no longer be able to go.

And so started the downward spiral.

I started to panic (to be honest, I still am), thinking that I couldn’t do this by myself, that I was going to have a panic attack, that everyone would think I was crazy. So I started to message Penny, one of my close internet friends who I tell practically everything, spamming her with messages about what was happening and how I was panicking terribly. But then I stopped myself on about the 20th message and began to message Ash instead who I thought might be able to help me in a different way. So I started to confide in her, telling her that I was feeling really anxious about going without her and I didn’t know if I could do it. After an agonising 30 seconds she responded saying something negative about P, instead of trying to calm me down or help me out, which I was kind of expecting. But I brushed it off and continued the conversation, asking her if there was anyway she could come. So we continued to talk about the possibility of some different days that we could go, and she was quite helpful sometimes, saying that if I started to feel really anxious we could catch a bus to her house, but then, for no apparent reason, I started to panic again. I messaged her saying something like ‘One minute I want to go and the next I feel like vomiting from nerves. I don’t think I can do this’. Keep in mind that I really struggle with opening up to people about my anxiety so I was trying really hard to be open with her. But her response was probably the worse thing that she could have possibly said to me in that moment.

‘It’s not a big deal’.

I dropped my phone on my bed in shock and disbelief. I started to get the shakes, my head pounding again and my ears ringing. Falling onto my bed, I curled up into a ball, tears in my eyes as those words bounced around in my head until I couldn’t stand it anymore and wanted to claw my eyes out. Not a big deal.

To say that my anxiety is not a big deal is like saying that cancer isn’t that bad. You’ll get over it. And sure, maybe I will get over my anxiety, but saying that to me just made me panic even more. My heart is still racing at 500 miles an hour and tears still keep forming in my eyes. And I don’t want to be that girl who’s all like ‘no one understands me, I’m so alone’, but truly, I don’t think a lot of people understand what it’s like to be afraid to go the movies. The bloody movies. Or the supermarket. Or to see your nan. Or to get on the bus. It’s these stupid everyday things that are always the end of me, and everyone thinks I’m crazy for obsessing over situations like these but they really don’t get it. I’m afraid of going to the movies just like people are afraid to go to a haunted house. Every single time I go somewhere is like stepping into a haunted house. Anything could jump out at me and send me into that hurricane of panic and dark thoughts.

I’m still having trouble even looking at my phone. I keep going to pick it up, then jumping away from it like it’s 1000 degrees. Every time it vibrates I inch away from it a little more because I don’t even want to know what else she sent me. And I know it’s not her fault that she (yes, I am going to use this tainted word) triggered me, but if there was one sentence that would have convinced me to go to the movies, ‘It’s not a big deal’ was the complete opposite of that.

All I want to do is curl up in a ball on my couch with a book and my laptop and sit there until I’m forced to go to school again. I don’t want to have to see anyone or do anything. I’m done trying to confide in people, because it seems that every time I try, nothing good comes out of it. In fact, most of the time, something terrible comes out of it. So I’m done trying. I’m probably going to log out of all my social media for the rest of the winter holidays so I can try to relax even in the slightest.

Anyway, sorry for being a drama queen but that’s how my day went today. I’ll actually put a little bit of effort in this time to keep uploading here and document my somewhat interesting life.

Have a great day everyone.

Oh and for all the 18+ Aussies out there:

VOTE YES!

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My Country, My Home

Recently I’ve gotten back into running, which I used to do everyday after school, and I only realised how much I missed it once I started up again. I’ve been out running only twice this week because of the unpredictable weather and my volleyball game/netball training during the week, but those two times that I’ve been out have been the best moments in my day each time.

I literally got back from a run about 5 minutes ago and the reason I decided to so hastily write this is because today, as I stopped to catch my breath, I lent on the gate to a paddock and looked out across the rolling hills and trees dotted among flocks of sheep and shimmering dams. There is absolutely no place in the world that I feel safer and at home than out in the middle of nowhere with only my neighbors and I’s houses and the cows and sheep mooing and baaing from dawn till dusk. There is no where I feel happier than strolling across wide open paddocks and leaning against a towering tree to stare out into the muddy dams and endless hills on the horizon. I love the place I live more than anything, and recently I’ve been taking that for granted, so as I walked away from the paddock and continued on my run, I made a vow to myself that I would spend every minute I could out in those paddocks and under those trees. Because who knows when that could all be taken away from me.

I know this was a super random post, cause I’ve been away for ages (even though I said I would try to get back into blogging) but I just felt really inspired to start blogging again today. Who knows if it will stick, but I’ll try to stick to my usual Sunday posting schedule. So we’ll see if I remember to post next week. Fingers crossed!

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My Relapse

Perhaps one of the worst things that could happen when you’ve been clean for 6+ months is relapsing. I’ve done it before, and I’m starting to feel the urge to do it again. But I’m trying to resist as much as possible because these last few months, I’ve felt truly happy. I have a loving a family, friends I can trust and be honest with, a good education and so much more and it was making me feel like a normal person again. But of course my stupid ass brain decided that it was time to feel shitty about myself again.

As I was recovering from all of the shit that happened in 2016 and earlier in 2017, I started to realise what the real cause of my anxiety and depression was.

My body image.

I’ve never been happy with my body and every time I look at it, it makes me feel sick. Every part of my body, I hate. And I think that that’s why I self harmed and obsessed over the tiniest things. For a while I stopped caring what other people thought of my body, and I was mildly happy with it, but I’ve started to become obsessed with weight and food and exercise again. I don’t want to tell you what goes through my mind because I know that if I do that some of you would try to stop me but I really don’t want to be stopped because I’m sick and tired of feeling fat and ugly. I know that I can never change the way my face is and that’s fine I’ve accepted that fact of life. But I CAN change the way that my body looks and so that’s what I’ve been trying to do.

But the reason I’ve become scared about this whole thing is that I’ve started to think about self harm again. I think maybe it became such a norm to me with all the trying to lose weight stuff that as I’ve started to make this whole probably deranged plan in my head, self harm has kept popping into it. But that’s not what I want to do. I really don’t want to have to go through hiding my scars from people and feeling guilty and stupid all over again. It was tiring and draining and I hated it but at the same time, I’m craving it.

Fuck, it’s like an addiction. It seriously is. My hands are shaking, I want it so bad. I really don’t want to give in and let my body do what it wants but I feel like I really really really need to. God, I hate how all this shit makes me feel. I honestly don’t think I can restrain myself. I need to see blood and feel the stinging sensation from hot water on fresh wounds.

I’m sorry. To myself and all of you but I can’t do it. I’m weak and I don’t deserve any of the nice things that I know people will say to me. No one can save me, not even myself because I’m to fucking weak and selfish.

Who knew that relapsing could be so easy.