i don’t even know but kill me

lol just wrote this should probs put a disclaimer cause this shit is really depressing and it talks about suicide and all that fun shit and if you get triggered by that stuff then don’t read this sorry to those will read this and fucking hate me forever.

I’m at a really low point right now. I have no idea why but I just feel so numb and so tired of life. I’m craving self-harm right now. I just want to feel something. I want to see cuts and bruises on my skin. Something to make me feel human again. I feel so zoned out I’m not even sure exactly what I’m typing right now. Sorry if this doesn’t make any sense at all and the punctuation is really shit but I’m just feeling so depressed. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t even know why I’ve suddenly gone down hill. I was feeling so happy and care free today. Just like the past few weeks. I haven’t been feelig bad at all in the lkke past month. God I’m dnding it really difficut to lfit my fingers right now I feel lke I can barely even move. my Muscels and everything are so numb I can’t even be botered to go ack and edit this. I’m normally so careful with typos and shit but tbh i just dont care right now. Jesus crhist i dont want to break my streak of being clean. ihaven’t self harmed ib so long but its  all i really want right now. i really need it. fuck i said i wouldnt do this and look at me now im just being such a fyckig stupud dramatic bitch i cant even write blog posts properrly . what the  fck is wrong with me. Oh great and now im crying why am i suchh a fuckibg wuss ishould be able to deal with this shit. i just cant anymore. i cant even lift my arm.s kill menow just fucking kkill me now. i dont deserve anything i just want to die fuck kill me fuck fuck fuck. my stomach is tightening and i feel like im gonna cvomit but i know i wont causse i have nno reason to.b i didnt even go for a run today and i ate so much chocolate im so bad fuck me kill me just fucking kill me i dont want to live kill kill kill/my eyes cant even focs on anything now im just writin gthis blindly i dont know whats happening but im gonna go annd sepfnharm now cause im a    oitoenbiitch who cant handole anything and i dnt want to be fucking like this anymre k bye.

Anzac Day – We Will Remember Them

Two blog posts in one day. Shit. Aren’t I great?

Anyway the reason I’m posting this quick post is because today in Australia it is Anzac Day. If you don’t know what Anzac Day is; 1) how uncultured of you and 2) you can look at the post I did last year here where I explained what it was about.

I just wanted to say that I am so thankful for all that the Australian and New Zealander soldiers did for us. If it weren’t for them our country would not be the same as it is today. So for that, I am eternally grateful.

I did this last year, but I’m going to do it again. Below here is the well-known poem that is often recited at Anzac ceremonies so please read through it and afterwards, if you’re feeling compassionate, have a minute of silence for yourself just as every Australian and New Zealander did across the nation today.


We shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old,

Age shall not weary them nor the years condemn,

At the going down of the sun and in the morning,

We will remember them

Lest we forget


My Very Philosophical Walk

Today my mum and I decided to go on a giant ass walk near my house which was around 10 kilometres. My mums been trying to lose weight so we went on this walk around a place where there’s a giant dam for drinking water for my city and also a huge area of like a nature reserve around it. The walk we went on started at the water area (the foreshore) and ended at this tiny little dam where people go to bird watch and stuff. And the reason I’m telling you about this is because I had some sort of weird philosophical experience on this walk about a couple of things and so I really wanted to share that with you. I also took a load of photos for my dad because he wanted to come with us but couldn’t and I’ll share those with you too.

The first thing I realised is that god, Australia is such a fucking beautiful country. I used to have this stigma in my mind that Australia is just dry bush and desert and that it’s horrible. But on this walk and in the midst of autumn, I’ve realised how beautiful this country is.

What I find most amazing about Australia is how you can walk, let’s say a kilometre, and during that kilometre you can walk into an entirely new environment. On our walk we started in kind of a typical Australian bush area with the eucalyptus trees and the bushes and sort of dry grass and stuff. But then merely like 500 metres away was an entirely new environment. We walked down a bit into a protected shady area and you could instantly feel the changes. It cooler, more humid, wetter. The plants were greener, there was different plants growing, everything felt completely different. Then yet again another 500 metres or so was this super open area where it was sunny and grassy and there was cute little river which you could walk across on these big rocks. And then it went back to being sort of generic Australia for a while but then a little later we got to this bit where it was shady again and it got cooler and the gum trees were super tall and quite close together and everything was completely silent. It was just amazing. Then we kept walking some more and we got to a bit that felt like we’d walked into the desert. It wasn’t necessarily hot but it felt dry and the grass was kind of dry and the dirt was red. But then legit only 200 metres away there was the end of the walk with the bird watching stuff and it was sort of like a wetlands environment. It was muddy and there was long grass and barely any tress.

It just boggles me how in literally only 3 hours we walked through about 5 different sorts of environments just in one tiny area of Australia. It’s crazy. It’s completely changed my perspective about my country. I used to always think how beautiful England was because it was so green and the trees were so nice but I never stopped to look at my own country and see its beauty. Sure, England is beautiful but Australia is too. They’re just different types of beauty.

And so here’s some photos I took along the way. Sorry if they’re a bit crap but yeah. Enjoy!

So the second thing that I realised while on this walk is a bit deeper. For a long time I’ve had the mindset that I was going to commit suicide. I did not when or how but I just knew that one day I would. Well, before we went on our walk I fell into the black hole of YouTube as I’m sure many of you have and was watching a bunch of videos about suicide. I came across one about what it’s like to lose someone to suicide and as I was watching I started replacing the people in the video with people in my life.

The mum who’d lost her daughter was MY mum. The sister who’d lost her sibling was MY sister. The best friend who’d lost their friend was MY best friend. And I began to realise, as I listened to their stories and feelings, that I could never do that to anyone. I could never ever bring myself to do something like that and then cause people so much pain. The mum talked about how she sometimes wanted to join her daughter and kill herself and that one really hit me. To think that my death could cause someone to take the same path as me is horrific. There was another video that I watched about a guy who jumped off the golden gate bridge but survived and what he said was that as soon as his hands left the railing and he started falling, he instantly regretted it. And all the other golden gate bridge survivors have said the exact same thing. And so, while I was thinking about that on the walk, I decided that I would not kill myself. I decided that no matter how much it hurt and how desperate I was, suicide was not the answer. And the same goes for anyone reading this contemplating suicide. There are so many other things you can do to help yourself. I know that you may not want to do them and that it might be really really hard but you just have to trust me that there is another way that you can get through it. And we can do it together. If you ever want to talk to me about something you’re going through, I would be so open to giving some advice or even just being there to listen. If you don’t even want me to make any comments or have opinions on what you have to tell me, then say so and I will just read what you have to say. And please, watch the videos that I watched. They helped me so much and I hope that they can help you too.

Video 1

Video 2

My email is jagsonline6@gmail.com if you want to talk. Don’t be afraid to tell me about anything because I promise you that I will not judge you or share your information.

I love you all so so much and it would break my heart into a million pieces if I lost even one of you to suicide. Because even one person matters. Every person matters. And that means that YOU matter.

April Reading List!

If you don’t already know, I’ve started creating monthly reading lists in which I write down all the books I want to read in that month and once I finish them, I write reviews to share with you at the end of the month.

This month I’m probably going to be reading a lot more as it’s the end of term 1! Whoop, whoop, holiday time! Okay, I don’t know what that was…anyway, let’s get into the list!

The list:

  • One plus one by Jojo Moyes
  • 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher
  • The Book Thief by Marcus Zusack
  • To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
  • How I Live Now by Meg Rosoff

I’ve already started reading One Plus One, but I’m not very far into it yet. I’m quite enjoying it, although I’ve still got a long way to go.

Happy reading!

Reading: One Plus One

Page: 76

Thoughts: I feel so sorry for this family aw no 



February/March Book Reviews!

As of right now I’m at home dying of the plague and so I thought I would spend my countless hours here on the couch writing a blog post for you all. You may have seen my February/March reading list that I shared with you in February, and as it’s April now I thought I’d share my reviews of the books I read.

The list:

  • Because You’ll Never Meet Me by Leah Thomas
  • A Thousand Pieces Of You by Claudia Gray


  • Ten Thousand Skies Above You by Claudia Gray



  • Lying About Last Summer by Sue Wallman


  •  The Luna Chronicles: Cinder by Marissa Meyer
  • The Luna Chronicles: Scarlet by Marissa Meyer


  • The Luna Chronicles: Cress by Marissa Meyer


Okay, I’ll be honest…I didn’t read all of these. Listen, it wasn’t my fault okay! I was going to borrow the Lunar Chronicles from the library but someone had loaned it out so I couldn’t! Instead I read Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell. If you’d like to see the blurbs for these books look at my post about the reading list from February which you can find here.

And here’s my reviews for those books!

Because You’ll Never Meet Me:

At the start of the book I was a bit skeptical about the whole writing style. There are 2 point of views, one from Ollie, the hermit boy who’s allergic to electricity. And the other from Moritz, the boy with no eyes.

The layout of the book is so that each chapter is from a different point of view from one of the boys. But instead of it being a first person typical sort of format, each chapter is actually a letter. So Ollie writes a letter to Moritz, and Moritz writes a letter to Ollie.

At first I thought this would end up being a disaster. How would they convey they’re personalities and thoughts, I asked. How would we learn about their past, I asked.

Well, let me tell you, I learnt more about those two boys through those letters than I ever would have through a first person format. I actually feel like I know these kids in real life. That’s how bloody good the writing is.

The way that they talk to each other through these letters feels so real and raw it’s insane. Especially considering that it’s probably impossible to have an electricity allergy. But it truly does feel like a real life experience. And I didn’t feel like I was reading as an outsider. I felt like I had been there, watching both of them all my life as they told their past stories and the secrets of their pasts.

This is definitely a book to read if you’re looking for a different type of format, something a bit unique. And unlike a lot of the other ‘teen fiction’ books that I read, this looked on love in a very different perspective. It was like looking at love from two points of view.

So yeah I really recommend reading this book because to be honest this was one of my favourites that I’ve read this year. I just love it so much, as you can probably tell from this insane description.

Review: 4/5 stars


A Thousand Pieces Of You:

Wow. That’s my summary for this book — wow.

A lot happened in this book and at the same time it felt quite simple and planned out.

To be honest I thought a lot more fantasy/science fiction was going to portrayed in this book but I actually thought it was a lot more romancey than expected. I read a few reviews that claimed that this was ‘a romance novel disguised as science fiction’ and while I don’t disagree with that, I don’t completely agree either.

It was obvious from the blurb of this book and by the first few chapters that it was DEFINITELY romance focused. Once she did her first dimension hop, I instantly knew that I was in for some sweet sweet lovin. I thought that perhaps it could have been a little more focused on the whole ‘oh my god we can travel through dimensions now???’ as I felt it only brushed over that topic in the beginning. It definitely could have been expanded on a bit more and I would have been really interested to read about some other dimensions they could’ve gone to.

My favourite parts of the book was definitely when she jumped to the next dimension. It was so thrilling and I just couldn’t wait to see what there would be on the other side. I really really wish we could have had a glimpse into a few other dimensions. I guess I’ll just have to read the second book to find out!

All up, I thought it was really good but could have been AMAZING with a few little tweaks. I was hooked for most of the book, the action and unspoken romance keeping me reeled in. I felt like maybe the beginning of the book could have been written a little bit better as I felt it was sort of bland. The ending and the middle was definitely addicting though, it was like I couldn’t even set the book down or this amazing world where dimension travel is possible would slip away.

All in all, good book, would definitely recommend.

Review: 4.5/5 stars


Ten Thousand Skies Above You:

Okay. Holy crap. I finished this book about half an hour ago and I think I might explode. THE ENDING WAS SO GOOD!

The start of the book started off really slow, like the first one, and I wasn’t too hooked on the storyline. I mean it was good, but it wasn’t amazing. But then as the story progressed and she started traveling to other dimensions and uncovering secrets about her boyfriend and Triad (the evil company trying to make her do bad stuff) it just got more and more intense and more interesting. By the last quarter of the book I was dying to finish it to find out what happened, I could barely put it down!

The ending finished on a big cliff hanger, which I loved, but I also found myself wanting the story to be wrapped up nicely. I honestly thought that it was going to end in sunshine and rainbows but no, instead I was greeted with an unexpected turn in events that I could never have suspected.

I’m very good at guessing the endings and complications of books. A lot of them are just so easy to guess what’s going to happen. But for this one I had no clue what was going to happen, and to be honest it was a lovely change. Sometimes it gets boring always knowing the outcome of a story but when something surprises me like this book did, its very pleasing to know that they got past my *cough* brilliant *cough* mind.

Overall, I would highly recommend if you enjoyed the first book, as I think its almost equally good.

Review: 4/5 stars


Lying About Last Summer:

I think I read this book in the span of about 3 days. It was sooo goooood. I know I say this about every book but seriously, I loved this one.

It was relatively short, and that can be dangerous for a book, but the author did it just right. There was no messing around, what she wanted to say, she said, and she did it well. It was short and snappy and I loved it. The last couple of books I’ve read have been quite large and so this was a good break in between. It’s always nice to read a short book that was fast and satisfying.

I think the ending of this book was done perfectly, a plot twist with a satisfying finish. And the plot twist was well done as well. It was unexpected but not too out of the blue.

Another aspect of this novel (ha using that word just makes me think of my bitchy English teacher ewwwww) that I loved was that it wasn’t totally devoted to the romance side of things. Sure, there was some romance in it but it wasn’t over done and it definitely wasn’t the main focus of the story. I really enjoyed how it showed what it’s like to be grieving for someone important in your life and I thought that they portrayed that really well. The way that they talked about death was really eye opening and creative which was a nice change from the usual kind of thing.

Other than that I don’t have much to say about this book. I very much liked it and I would highly recommend it to anyone who loves drama and romance novels.

Review: 4/5 stars


Eleanor and Park:

To be honest, I thought I would love this book. I thought that it would be sweet and sad and romantic, just like most teen romance books, but this book annoyed the shit out of me.

If you’ve read this book, I think you’ll know what I mean by this. Eleanor was so fucking annoying. The whole book I wanted to climb into the pages and slap her in the face. She was so petty and needy and moody and was such an asshole to Park. He deserved way better than her.





And at the end when she literally didn’t even open any of his letters or talk to him at all and she’s all like ‘I just want it to stop’ THINK ABOUT HOW PARK FEELS NOT JUST ABOUT YOU, YOU SELFISH BITCH.





I get that she had a shitty life with her abusive dad and stuff, but Park had a pretty crappy life as well and I don’t think I heard her once in the whole book ask Park how he was feeling. He was having so many troubles with his family and stuff and she didn’t even care. It was always all about her. And when Park would try and help her, she wouldn’t even say anything or accept his help. I get that maybe she didn’t want to talk about it, but at least say that instead of just being a big old asshole to him.

So yeah, I really didn’t enjoy this book very much. It just annoyed me while I was reading it and I wanted to get it over and done with.

Review: 2/5 stars


So there we go! Those are my book reviews for my February/March Reading List!

I’ll be coming out with my April reading list tomorrow so make sure you check that out soon.

Reading: One Plus One

Page: 58

Thoughts: Well this guy fucked up didn’t he?


My Weight Gain and Being Sick

Today I wanted to give you a bit of an update about how my life is going right now.

So I know that I’ve talked to you guys about weight loss and eating disorders before, and I haven’t been bad with eating disorders lately, but I have gained a butt load of weight.

I used to weigh 55 kilos (around 120 pounds? I don’t know, I’m trusting Google on this) which is a good weight for a girl who’s 5’4. This was around maybe April to September 2016. Then it got to the summer and I began slacking off with my exercise cause it was super hot and I gained 5 kilos so I was 60 kilos (132 pounds). That’s still an average weight for a girl my height. But then it reached Christmas…and holy shit I went fucking mental. I think I must’ve eaten a bit of chocolate everyday because I started gaining weight so fast. And I didn’t do any exercise because I was on holidays and I was being lazy. So…I gained another 5 kilos. So now I’m 65 kilos (143 pounds) which, according to this chart, is only JUST average weight for my height.

Image result for womens weight chart

So I went from being almost underweight to almost overweight. Jesus fucking Christ.

I’m still 65 kilos now and I haven’t really done much exercise or eaten particularly healthy recently (lol my “dieting” plan worked really well, I’ll give you an update on that soon) and I think that unless I eat Maccas every single day for a few weeks (which I highly doubt would happen cause tbh Maccas is rank), I’ll probably stay this weight until I can be fucked to lose it all again.

I’ve been quite motivated to exercise this week but unfortunately I haven’t been able to exercise because I’m sick. WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN IN THE ONE WEEK THAT I’VE WANTED TO EXERCISE AHHHHHHH.

So a few months ago I kept getting these random moments during the day where I would feel really lightheaded and it was there for quite a while but then it went away for a bit. And then last week I kept getting this really sharp pains in my stomach and I felt super sick so I had to stay home for half the week.

And then I was having some really bad acne problems so we went to a GP to talk to them about that and then my mum told her about my stomach pains and dizziness and the doctor told us to get some blood tests. And I thought I had gotten better and we were just gonna get the blood tests for precaution, but then yesterday I started getting really dizzy. At one point we were in science, and the science labs have these higher chairs so you can sit at the big tables and when I was sitting there, I got this big wave of dizziness and I thought I was falling off my chair cause that’s what it felt like so I grabbed the table and the whole room was spinning and Ash was like um what the hell are you okay mate? And so after that my mum came to pick me up from school and we went to get the blood tests done. So now I’m staying home again until I feel better. Ugh.

Yeah the past few weeks haven’t been all that fun.

All I’ve been able to do is just sit on the couch and watch TV and I’m honestly sick of it ugh I want to go outside and run and be normal again. I’m really hoping that the blood tests don’t say that I’ve got some sort of disease cause I hate having to sit at home all the time.

Anyway yep life’s super fun right now. I’m planning on writing some of a story to show you guys today, but I still need to figure all the details out so watch out for that. Oh my god I have so many posts that I’m late on showing you guys like the reading list, the weight loss update, ahhhhh I’m sorryyyyyyyy.

Okay I’ll stop apoligising now and actually go write them.

Bye my loves.

Reading: One Plus One

Page: 38

Thoughts: Family drama ahhh fun


A Message To You, Me And Everyone Else

You know what I realised today? I realised that I don’t have to hide scars, inside and out, just because I’m afraid of what people will think. 

I was looking at the scars (and yes, don’t worry they ARE scars) on my wrist today and thinking about how everyday I’m in fear of people looking at them, people asking about them, people knowing that I’ve got shit going on. And then I realised that I shouldn’t have to be scared about this. Because the scars on my wrists are not scars that I should be embarrassed about. They’re scars I should be proud of. Because they show that I got through something and I survived something, because I haven’t self harmed in months. I can’t even remember the last time I properly self harmed. And I’m proud of that. So why should I have to hide my achievements just because I’m afraid someone’s going to think I’m fucked up and just another one of ‘those girls’. 

So from now on, fuck that. I’m not going to hide my scars anymore. And if people stare and ask questions, I’ll tell them. These are my scars. These are my memories. These are marks that I can never get rid of but also marks I never want to forget. Because these marks remind me that I’ve survived and that I’m still here, walking on this earth. And to me, that seems like a pretty big achievement. So fuck anyone who thinks that I should hide them with makeup and bracelets and jumpers. It’s my body, and if you’ve got a problem with it, keep it to yourself. 

And there are scars all over me that people can’t see. Scars on my legs, in my heart, on my brain. More scars that are permanent. And even though you can’t see those scars, I don’t want to have to hide them either. Because not all of them are scars. They’re fresh wounds. They’re sliced into my mind and my soul that I’m trying to desperately heal and I don’t need other people trying to bring me down for the small list of things that I’ve achieved. 

1. Staying alive

2. Not harming myself

And that goes out to anyone else out there embarrassed about scars, whether they be inside or outside. Because you don’t deserve to live in fear for something good that you’ve done. So embrace yourself, love yourself, and fuck anyone who says otherwise.