The Downfall of Me, Myself and I

I’m lying on my bed with the familiar cream coloured sheet pulled over my head, a sheet that has been with me since the beginning, since I first laid my imaginative, functioning eyes on the world.

But instead of cuddling me into a peaceful sleep tonight, they are shielding me – or rather imprisoning me – from the thoughts that bounce around my head and fill the gaps between every bit of bone and muscle in my body.

It’s 12:38 a.m.

Mum came in a few hours ago telling me to go to sleep. But she doesn’t get it. I can’t.

I’ve turned the torch light on my phone on now. I feel like I’m in my own little cocoon, lit up with a beam of bright white light casting shadows of my hands onto the cocoon walls.

I had a little moment earlier today. I went into a stage where I felt…nothing? But it wasn’t nothing.

The best way I can describe it is that I felt nothing and everything at the same time.

It was like my mind had gone into overdrive and every emotion that you could possibly feel was spilling into my brain but at the same time I felt a numbness that surrounded me in a storm of nothing.

So I decided to go for a walk. It was raining but I did it anyway. I went into a field where I tried to climb into a little ravine but fell and hit my head hard on the damp ground. I sat there in the dirt for a while, holding my head in my hands and wanting to cry but not being able to get anything out. Eventually I got up and sat on a little hill for a while, watching as little birds tweeted as they jumped from branch to branch in the tree above me.

Knowing I would have to go back to the condiments of my house and my room and the questioning tones and looks of my family made me want to jump into the ravine headfirst – which I did consider doing for a while as I stood at the very edge of it and stared down at the muddy bottom.

But I walked home. I did it because I knew I had to. For me, there was no other option.

But I just felt – NO, I feel – helpless. Like I will always be like this. Like there’s no end from it. Like I’ll never be normal like everyone else and I’ll never be able to experience things like everyone else.

People always tell you that you’ll be okay and you’ll get through and it gets better. But does it really? Maybe it does from some people. But some people aren’t everyone. Maybe I’ll be that one person who forever lives under a brooding black cloud filled with thoughts of blood and death and fear. Because that’s what this all is.

Fear.

I’m afraid of people.

I’m afraid of embarrassment.

I’m afraid to be alone.

I’m afraid to just be myself.

And because of these fears that I hold, unwillingly, so tightly in my grip, I will never be able to experience the things that normal people do.

I’ll never be able to have a boyfriend for fear of them leaving me, for fear of them hating me, for fear of them ignoring me and disregarding me.

I’ll never be able to truly expose myself to someone like I do on this blog. To openly talk about my feelings and how lost and empty I feel while at the same time having emotions and thoughts overflowing from my brain.

I’ll never be able to be alone and allow myself to be independent and confident.

I might not even be able to have a job as I fear the inevitable embarrassment and awkwardness that I will bring upon myself.

I still crave the blood and the cuts in my skin that I used to have but I try every minute of the day to hold myself back and not let myself be a victim of my own mind.

I should probably go to sleep now. It’s 1:00 a.m. But I probably won’t. I’ll probably sit here for a while longer, disgusted at my own mind and body and the hideousness of it all.

Wish me luck.

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Me vs Food

WARING: If you suffer from an eating disorder, depression or if you’re just really sensitive then maybe skip this post. It’s a tough one.

 

 

I feel like I’m approaching breaking point. Everyday is a battle between my brain and my body.

My body says ‘eat’ and my brain replies ‘no. You’ll get fat’.

My body says ‘stop, that hurts’ and my brain replies ‘no. You have to keep exercising’.

My body says ‘you can stop eating now’ and my brain says ‘you have just a little more. It will be okay’.

But none of this is ever okay.

I’m at a point now where looking in the mirror makes me want to throw up. Seeing myself, my face, my body, it repulses me. Every movement I make forces me to be aware of another part of my body I’m unhappy with. Cross my legs: oh look there’s some leg fat. Look down: oh look there’s a double chin.

I try to prevent myself from doing the thing that makes me feel this way everyday and yet everyday I always feel like I’ve failed. Every time I sit down in front of a meal all I want to do is scream and throw it against the wall. I want to never eat again, I want it all to just go away, and yet each time I’m put in a situation where there’s food and people watching me, I eat to my hearts content. At least that’s what it feels like.

Dinner time has become the worst time of day.

The rest of the time I can get away with eating nothing. Spit out the chewed up food into a tissue when no ones looking, take some snacks to my room and stash them away until I can take them away again. But at dinner time there’s no escaping. I kid myself thinking that no one would notice if I didn’t eat dinner. Of course they would notice. Then there would be questions. And questions would lead to discovery. And discovery would lead to god knows what and I don’t want to deal with it.

I’m just done with feeling fat and worthless and ugly. I disgust myself. And I just keep telling myself that if I lose that 5 kilograms then I’ll feel better. All my problems will go away. But deep in my mind I know that 5 kilograms will lead to 10 kilograms then 15 then 20 until there’s nothing left to lose. But I don’t care.

Because if I’m skinny then I’ll be happy right?

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Numb and Empty

I don’t know what it is or why I feel this way but recently I’ve just been feeling really…off. And by recently I mean literally the last few days. I just feel so done and over everything. It’s like I don’t care anymore and all I want to do is just lie in bed and think about nothing. My favourite part of the day is getting to lie down in bed and fantasise about a life that I’ll never have and I’m starting to realise that it’s probably not very good for me. I still want to hang out with friends and everything and sometimes I love life and I’m thinking that I would never swap my life for anyone else’s but then suddenly it’s like a switch is flipped in my brain and I’m plunged into this endless wormhole of darkness. And it’s not like I feel angry or anything I just feel…nothing. It’s like I’m completely numb. I’ll be walking in the hallways at school, looking into the darkness of my locker and I’ll just be somewhere off in my mind where all I can see is a blank sheet of paper. And then Ash will come up to me and say something and that switch just turns itself off again and I’m back to normal. I don’t understand what is going on with my brain right now but I’m kind of sick of it and I just want it to stop. It’s not a nice feeling to feel like a completely empty shell of a human being but there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s like my mind literally has a mind of its own.

I’m probably just going crazy.

Opening Up About Anxiety and Depression

Over the last few weeks I’ve met so many people who have been so open about their mental health issues and their confidence and braveness has really inspired me. It’s reminded me that literally anyone could have a mental health issue that you don’t know about, and just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

A few days ago I was walking to volleyball with one of my friends like we do every Tuesday afternoon but this time there was another girl walking with us who I’m kind of friend with. As we were walking I think we were just talking about our lives and what was going on at the moment and this girl suddenly started talking about her anxiety problems. She said that she’d been having some trouble at home after her sister moved to England and she felt like she had no support, so she started having anxiety attacks and had to see a counsellor. Honestly, for a solid minute I was so shocked that I barely said anything, but looking back I wish I’d come forward and told her about my anxiety. I identified so much with what she was saying but I was just so amazed that this girl I’d been friends with for almost 3 years had been suffering from the exact same thing that I was. And I admire her so much for just being for brave and confident with sharing such a vulnerable part of herself which is something that I haven’t come to the point of being able to do yet.

Only a few days later, earlier today in fact, I was on a short hike for a program called Duke of Edinburgh (I joined this in that period when I wasn’t blogging at all so if you’re curious here’s a link: http://www.dukeofed.com.au/) and there was this boy in our group who’s a year older than us but was super nice, and as we were walking we were going around the group saying fun facts about ourselves and when it got to him he said that he’d overcome depression last year. It was so out of the blue and confident that again, I didn’t know what to say, and obviously I wasn’t going to confide in a complete stranger about my anxiety, but again, it really pushed me to think more about how maybe one day I will be able to talk to people about how I overcame anxiety and was able to do everyday things with no anxiousness whatsoever.

One more thing before I end this blog post, if you’re really struggling with any mental health issues at the moment, I highly recommend you give a listen to Dodie Clark’s song Secret For the Mad from her EP You. When I first listened to it, I burst into tears because it made me feel so much less alone and that other people do know what it’s like to go through what you’re going through. Dodie has suffered from anxiety and depression as well so she does really know what it’s like and she hasn’t just pulled this song out of her ass. After you listen to the song a few times (it was on repeat on my phone for quite a few days) I recommed that you go google the lyrics and just read them for a while and let them sink in, because trust me, they do really really help.

Ok, that’s all for now.

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A New Kind Of Depression

I’m isolating myself. I’m aware that I am. And I know that I should stop but I don’t want to and I don’t think I can.

I’ve felt depressed before, but never like this. It used to feel almost…comical before, it didn’t feel too serious most of the time and I could deal with it. But this time…I don’t know. It’s just different.

And I was doing so well too. I was making new friends, getting out there and doing things that I never used to be able to do. But then suddenly, after one little spurt of anxiety that I posted about a few days ago, I was plunged into this terrible sink hole of depression.

For example, I’m sitting in the bath writing this right now because I had sudden urge to get this all down, and as I stepped into the bath I instantly began imagining ways that I could drown myself. That’s never happened before. I’ve never done something so casual and boring and began to turn it into some horrific death scene.

Now, I’m not suicidal. I know I’m not. I can always tell when I’m suicidal and this is not one of those times. I just feel…empty. And numb. And when I’m in these states I start to think about things like self harm and suicide. I had to stop myself a few minutes ago as I had an urge to cut myself and began rifling around in the bathroom cabinet for scissors. I found some, and as I ran my finger along the blade I came to my senses and shoved them back in the cabinet, slamming it closed.

I just keep thinking that life is so pointless and tedious, why should I even try? I’ve had multiple friends ask me to go to the movies or go out and do something with them, and every time I’ve made up excuses about why I can’t go. I don’t want to see anyone or do anything. All I’ve been doing is lying on the couch eating junk food, which I know may sound like heaven to some people, and to me it usually does too, but doing it in a depressed manner is not fun. I just lie there and think about how depressed and empty I feel, and by doing that, I’m starting to feel more and more of those two things.

But I don’t even want to try to do anything about it like I used to. In some ways, I’m content with just being alone and drowning in my own misery. But I know that I’m going to have to come out of it sometime soon, when I go back to school and when mum comes home, at least partially. I’ll have to start faking smiles and cracking jokes again. And honestly, I don’t know how I’m going to cope with that when the time comes. I actually don’t know if I can go back to school. It’ll either send me over the edge and make me snap, or it will help to get me back on the right track again, it will fill my time and help me organise myself.

Either way, I’ll guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

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My Relapse

Perhaps one of the worst things that could happen when you’ve been clean for 6+ months is relapsing. I’ve done it before, and I’m starting to feel the urge to do it again. But I’m trying to resist as much as possible because these last few months, I’ve felt truly happy. I have a loving a family, friends I can trust and be honest with, a good education and so much more and it was making me feel like a normal person again. But of course my stupid ass brain decided that it was time to feel shitty about myself again.

As I was recovering from all of the shit that happened in 2016 and earlier in 2017, I started to realise what the real cause of my anxiety and depression was.

My body image.

I’ve never been happy with my body and every time I look at it, it makes me feel sick. Every part of my body, I hate. And I think that that’s why I self harmed and obsessed over the tiniest things. For a while I stopped caring what other people thought of my body, and I was mildly happy with it, but I’ve started to become obsessed with weight and food and exercise again. I don’t want to tell you what goes through my mind because I know that if I do that some of you would try to stop me but I really don’t want to be stopped because I’m sick and tired of feeling fat and ugly. I know that I can never change the way my face is and that’s fine I’ve accepted that fact of life. But I CAN change the way that my body looks and so that’s what I’ve been trying to do.

But the reason I’ve become scared about this whole thing is that I’ve started to think about self harm again. I think maybe it became such a norm to me with all the trying to lose weight stuff that as I’ve started to make this whole probably deranged plan in my head, self harm has kept popping into it. But that’s not what I want to do. I really don’t want to have to go through hiding my scars from people and feeling guilty and stupid all over again. It was tiring and draining and I hated it but at the same time, I’m craving it.

Fuck, it’s like an addiction. It seriously is. My hands are shaking, I want it so bad. I really don’t want to give in and let my body do what it wants but I feel like I really really really need to. God, I hate how all this shit makes me feel. I honestly don’t think I can restrain myself. I need to see blood and feel the stinging sensation from hot water on fresh wounds.

I’m sorry. To myself and all of you but I can’t do it. I’m weak and I don’t deserve any of the nice things that I know people will say to me. No one can save me, not even myself because I’m to fucking weak and selfish.

Who knew that relapsing could be so easy.

 

Explaining My Breakdown and Getting Some Help

I’m sorry about the other day guys. I was just having a really shit night and I don’t think I was fully THERE if you know what I mean. I was kind of hallucinating and I felt really out of it. I don’t even remember half the things I wrote. And I don’t have much of a desire to go back and read it. I don’t even know what caused all this. I was so happy and everything was fine but then I got from school and I felt so depressed and I was craving self harm so bad. I didn’t want to give in. I really didn’t want to do it again because I’ve been clean for months and I didn’t want to throw away all that progress. But I did and now I’ve got fresh cuts on my body and I feel so numb and I’m faking a smile and I don’t even care anymore. No one cares. But the worst thing is that I actually enjoyed it. I enjoyed self harming which is so bad but I did. I missed it. But it also sucks. But I still want more. Ugh I hate this it’s like my mind is split in two and they’re both yelling at each other and they won’t slow down to just let me think for a minute. I’m zoning out like every 5 minutes and literally there’s nothing wrong with my life right now. I have parents who love me and a big healthy family and I have friends and a house and food and so many things that I don’t even need but yet my brain is still telling me “your life sucks. Your life sucks. Be sad. Be sad. Hate yourself. Hate yourself.” Maybe I have a chemical imbalance in my brain I don’t know but I just want it to go away. 

I felt so numb and tired and I seriously could barely lift my fingers, due to the many many typos in that post. I’m usually so pristine with my posts and I hate typos and stuff but I don’t know I just lost all interest when writing that one. 
I’m finishing this off a few days later and I’m the period of time between them, something big has happened. 

It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a very long time but never had the nerves to. And that is…talking to someone. Literally. That’s it. But it’s not just that. I found this the most daunting thing in the entire world and I was so nervous about it I actually thought I was going to vomit. So the night after I wrote that thing where I was a bit crazy, I was being really quiet in the car on the way home from school and I think my mum noticed and knew that something was wrong. She asked me how school was and what I did. I replied with ‘it was fine’ and that was it. 

Mum: how are you?

Me: fine

*pause*

Mum: are you alright? Is everything okay at school

Me: yes

*another pause*

Mum: are you sure?

*no reply*

*mum takes my hand*

Mum: talk to me. What’s going on?

*no reply*

Mum: Jags?

*no reply*
I didn’t reply for so long because I was trying to get the words out of my mouth but I physically couldn’t. They were stuck inside of me and I couldn’t get them out. And then I started to cry. 
Mum: don’t cry, just tell me what’s wrong

Me: in school we’re learning about mental health

Mum: okay

Me: and we were talking about some of the symptoms and stuff

Mum: mhm

Me: and it’s like…some of the stuff…I’m like…that’s me
And then I started fully bawling. And I expected her to be shocked or overly sympathetic or instantly worried but she wasn’t. She just said…
Mum: okay. In what way?

Me: like anxiety and depression stuff
And so the conversation went on. We talked for another half an hour while driving home and she was so good with everything. She just asked me questions and gave me my own time to answer. She didn’t shove answers in my mouth or tell yes or no or that’s wrong or you’re over reacting. She just listened and tried to help. And it’s made me love her even more. 

She told me we can look into finding a counsellor or something at my school who I can talk to when I need to which I’m so looking forward to. But my favourite thing about the whole night was the last thing she said about the topic:

“Let’s make you happy again” and kissed my hand. 

I don’t know why but it made me feel safe. Like I could rely on her and let her make all the really tough decisions. And now I’m not carrying around this dead weight of a secret that has been making me feel like absolute shit for the last 2 years. I feel so free and like I can tell her anything now. 

If only I’d known how well my family would take it earlier then maybe this whole mental health thing wouldn’t have gotten so out of control. But you know. That’s the way things go. 

If you’re out there struggling with mental health I urge you to speak up because it made me feel so much better and I already feel like my mental state is improving because of it. You don’t have to straight away tell your parents either. Talk to a friend you trust or a sibling or a teacher or go online and find a place to talk about your feelings. 

And remember, you can get through it. Anyone can. You just have to hold on and wait for the storm to pass. 

I love you all. Stay safe and happy and remember I’m always here. Always.