My Relapse

Perhaps one of the worst things that could happen when you’ve been clean for 6+ months is relapsing. I’ve done it before, and I’m starting to feel the urge to do it again. But I’m trying to resist as much as possible because these last few months, I’ve felt truly happy. I have a loving a family, friends I can trust and be honest with, a good education and so much more and it was making me feel like a normal person again. But of course my stupid ass brain decided that it was time to feel shitty about myself again.

As I was recovering from all of the shit that happened in 2016 and earlier in 2017, I started to realise what the real cause of my anxiety and depression was.

My body image.

I’ve never been happy with my body and every time I look at it, it makes me feel sick. Every part of my body, I hate. And I think that that’s why I self harmed and obsessed over the tiniest things. For a while I stopped caring what other people thought of my body, and I was mildly happy with it, but I’ve started to become obsessed with weight and food and exercise again. I don’t want to tell you what goes through my mind because I know that if I do that some of you would try to stop me but I really don’t want to be stopped because I’m sick and tired of feeling fat and ugly. I know that I can never change the way my face is and that’s fine I’ve accepted that fact of life. But I CAN change the way that my body looks and so that’s what I’ve been trying to do.

But the reason I’ve become scared about this whole thing is that I’ve started to think about self harm again. I think maybe it became such a norm to me with all the trying to lose weight stuff that as I’ve started to make this whole probably deranged plan in my head, self harm has kept popping into it. But that’s not what I want to do. I really don’t want to have to go through hiding my scars from people and feeling guilty and stupid all over again. It was tiring and draining and I hated it but at the same time, I’m craving it.

Fuck, it’s like an addiction. It seriously is. My hands are shaking, I want it so bad. I really don’t want to give in and let my body do what it wants but I feel like I really really really need to. God, I hate how all this shit makes me feel. I honestly don’t think I can restrain myself. I need to see blood and feel the stinging sensation from hot water on fresh wounds.

I’m sorry. To myself and all of you but I can’t do it. I’m weak and I don’t deserve any of the nice things that I know people will say to me. No one can save me, not even myself because I’m to fucking weak and selfish.

Who knew that relapsing could be so easy.

 

Explaining My Breakdown and Getting Some Help

I’m sorry about the other day guys. I was just having a really shit night and I don’t think I was fully THERE if you know what I mean. I was kind of hallucinating and I felt really out of it. I don’t even remember half the things I wrote. And I don’t have much of a desire to go back and read it. I don’t even know what caused all this. I was so happy and everything was fine but then I got from school and I felt so depressed and I was craving self harm so bad. I didn’t want to give in. I really didn’t want to do it again because I’ve been clean for months and I didn’t want to throw away all that progress. But I did and now I’ve got fresh cuts on my body and I feel so numb and I’m faking a smile and I don’t even care anymore. No one cares. But the worst thing is that I actually enjoyed it. I enjoyed self harming which is so bad but I did. I missed it. But it also sucks. But I still want more. Ugh I hate this it’s like my mind is split in two and they’re both yelling at each other and they won’t slow down to just let me think for a minute. I’m zoning out like every 5 minutes and literally there’s nothing wrong with my life right now. I have parents who love me and a big healthy family and I have friends and a house and food and so many things that I don’t even need but yet my brain is still telling me “your life sucks. Your life sucks. Be sad. Be sad. Hate yourself. Hate yourself.” Maybe I have a chemical imbalance in my brain I don’t know but I just want it to go away. 

I felt so numb and tired and I seriously could barely lift my fingers, due to the many many typos in that post. I’m usually so pristine with my posts and I hate typos and stuff but I don’t know I just lost all interest when writing that one. 
I’m finishing this off a few days later and I’m the period of time between them, something big has happened. 

It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a very long time but never had the nerves to. And that is…talking to someone. Literally. That’s it. But it’s not just that. I found this the most daunting thing in the entire world and I was so nervous about it I actually thought I was going to vomit. So the night after I wrote that thing where I was a bit crazy, I was being really quiet in the car on the way home from school and I think my mum noticed and knew that something was wrong. She asked me how school was and what I did. I replied with ‘it was fine’ and that was it. 

Mum: how are you?

Me: fine

*pause*

Mum: are you alright? Is everything okay at school

Me: yes

*another pause*

Mum: are you sure?

*no reply*

*mum takes my hand*

Mum: talk to me. What’s going on?

*no reply*

Mum: Jags?

*no reply*
I didn’t reply for so long because I was trying to get the words out of my mouth but I physically couldn’t. They were stuck inside of me and I couldn’t get them out. And then I started to cry. 
Mum: don’t cry, just tell me what’s wrong

Me: in school we’re learning about mental health

Mum: okay

Me: and we were talking about some of the symptoms and stuff

Mum: mhm

Me: and it’s like…some of the stuff…I’m like…that’s me
And then I started fully bawling. And I expected her to be shocked or overly sympathetic or instantly worried but she wasn’t. She just said…
Mum: okay. In what way?

Me: like anxiety and depression stuff
And so the conversation went on. We talked for another half an hour while driving home and she was so good with everything. She just asked me questions and gave me my own time to answer. She didn’t shove answers in my mouth or tell yes or no or that’s wrong or you’re over reacting. She just listened and tried to help. And it’s made me love her even more. 

She told me we can look into finding a counsellor or something at my school who I can talk to when I need to which I’m so looking forward to. But my favourite thing about the whole night was the last thing she said about the topic:

“Let’s make you happy again” and kissed my hand. 

I don’t know why but it made me feel safe. Like I could rely on her and let her make all the really tough decisions. And now I’m not carrying around this dead weight of a secret that has been making me feel like absolute shit for the last 2 years. I feel so free and like I can tell her anything now. 

If only I’d known how well my family would take it earlier then maybe this whole mental health thing wouldn’t have gotten so out of control. But you know. That’s the way things go. 

If you’re out there struggling with mental health I urge you to speak up because it made me feel so much better and I already feel like my mental state is improving because of it. You don’t have to straight away tell your parents either. Talk to a friend you trust or a sibling or a teacher or go online and find a place to talk about your feelings. 

And remember, you can get through it. Anyone can. You just have to hold on and wait for the storm to pass. 

I love you all. Stay safe and happy and remember I’m always here. Always. 

I’m Going Crazy

I don’t want to go to school tomorrow. I just feel so unmotivated right now and life just feels so fucking pointless. I honestly just want to stay in bed and do nothing for as long as possible. I don’t want to interact with anyone. I don’t want to be around people who make me nervous and who I’m unsure about. I’m scared of their judgement and their thoughts and it drives me insane. Every second of school is spent with me thinking ‘what if they think my Pe shorts are too short and my thighs are too big. What if they think I’m annoying. What if they think I have no friends.’ And I try to convince myself that I doesn’t matter but I can’t get it out of my head. I’m just so angry. I want to punch something right now and I want to cry and scream and never have to get up again. 

Recently I’ve just been feeling so hopeless and I don’t know what to do with myself. School seems so pointless, life seems so pointless, everything just seems pointless. I feel like I’m stuck in a busy street with everyone moving around me as they go about their lives while I’m standing there alone and screaming and nobody even bats an eye. 

Sorry for being so morbid but I just can’t hold it in cause if I do I might go over the edge. I can feel it happening and when it does I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m going insane inside my own head and it’s making me fucking crazy. And when I do go over the edge I don’t know if I’ll be able to get back up again. 

I feel at any moment I might just burst out in tears and off myself. I feel like nobody really cares. I feel like I need to get out here. 

Reading: Ten Thousand Skies Above You


Page: 296


Thoughts: Damn this got real dramatic 

Crappy English Teachers, Body Image and Anxiety Chat

I haven’t written a post in a while – mostly due to lack of creativity – but I thought why not do it now as I’m bored as fuck. I’m literally sitting in the school bathroom right now to get away of my demon of a English teacher who I actually could murder if I was compelled enough. We had an assignment due today and holy fucking shit she needs to calm her ass. When I told her I was a little bit over the word limit she was like ‘no you have to be on it exactly’. But I’d already edited all I could out of it and if I took anymore out it would just sound shit. So I just death glared her, said ‘fine’ and deleted the whole end of my assignment so it was in the world limit. Suck on that you fucking bitch ass of a woman. She needs to take that giant stick out of her ass and realise that no one actually gives a fuck about year 9 English and no one cares about your lengthy speeches you like to bestow upon us. And every time I ask to go to the toilet and I say ‘may I go to the bathroom please?’ Like we were taught to in primary school, she back chats and tells me ‘it’s called a toilet’ and gives me this fucking obnoxious glare that makes me want to slap her. Earlier when I asked I literally rolled my eyes at her and walked out of the class without even waiting for her to say that I could. Jesus Christ I hate her. I had her in year 7 as well and I literally learnt shit all that whole year. I’ve asked my mum if I can move from her class and she said maybe, if they accepted my reasoning. I just dread going to her class and I really really want to move. Hopefully I’ll get to. Another thing that I want to touch on (I can’t remember if I told you guys this or not? If I have, hang in there) is that I’ve been having a lot more panic attacks than I usually do. I haven’t had one too recently but last week I had two panic attacks two days in a row and it was not fun. They were mostly because of my body image and I just felt incredibly ugly and fat and like I would never be pretty and skinny like other girls. But this morning as I was having a shower I looked at myself in the mirror (and don’t think me self centred for this) and thought ‘I feel beautiful’. So what if I have a different body type? I’m a bit bigger and curvier than other girls but I’m not fat. If someone I didn’t know looked at me they probably wouldn’t think ‘wow that girl is fat’ they would probably just think I looked like a regular girl. So what I have smaller boobs than most? So what my stomach sticks out a bit more? So what I have wider thighs? If I’m happy and I feel good about myself then that’s okay. 

A lot of the time I don’t feel good about myself and I do want to lose weight. And I think I probably always will want to lose weight but I want to do it in a way that makes me happy. 

I think I’m going to make a post about my weight loss because it’s something I want to do to make me feel good but I also need the determination to do it and I think that support from you guys will really help me. 

I don’t really know what this post was, sort of just a chat, but I hope you enjoyed!

Sorry for my unplanned hiatus but I’ve just been extremely lazy and I do have a lot of half-done posts that I will eventually get round to sharing with you guys, just stay with me okay? Okay. Cool. 

Lastly, sorry for forgetting to do my little book update things at the end of my posts. I’ve finished Because You’ll Never Meet Me and A Thousand Pieces Of You. I’m now onto Ten Thousand Skies Above You. 

Reading: Ten Thousand Skies Above You


Page: 155


Thoughts: where is this going? Ugh the suspense is killing me. 

Jags xxx

The Stay Strong Tag

So most of you will know by now that Penny and I are very close friends and have been for a while now. And so when she plotted the idea of the Stay Strong Tag to me I instantly wanted to do it.

And so here we go! This is the Stay Strong Tag by Penny!

The rules:

  1. Put the Supergirl (or Superman if you are a guy) logo/image on the post
  2. Mention the creator of the tag and provide a link as well
  3. Tag 3 people to do this tag and let them know that they’ve been nominated

There are multiple ways you can do this tag. These are the options:

  1. Talk about your own experience with suicidal thoughts and how you got through it and tips on how you got through it
  2. Even if you haven’t gotten through it, talk about it. Tell people your problems to show other people they aren’t alone
  3. Talk about if you knew someone who tried to commit suicide or actually went through with it
  4. Even if you don’t know anyone personally and you yourself haven’t gone through this, share some tips you might have anyways. Or make a post dedicated to people who have these thoughts and how you care

You guys know about an experience I had with suicide recently, where a girl in my grade tried to kill herself. Thankfully, she was unsuccessful. I have a few other short stories about suicide that I’d like to share with you today.

A few years ago my mum attended a funeral for one of her friends sons who committed suicide. It was so sad and my mum was really upset for days before and after the funeral. Then a few months later another of her friends daughters committed suicide. She was 8 months pregnant and jumped off the top storey of a building. I’m pretty sure she was schizophrenic and the voices in her head were telling her to do it or something like that. As you can imagine, this was a really sad time for my mum because there had now been two suicides in a span of about 5 months.

Another attempted suicide I remember is when I was in year 7. We had a school assembly in the auditorium so everyone was in there for about an hour. When we came out there was police out the front of the school and an ambulance. A load of teachers were standing there as well and there was someone sitting in the back of the ambulance in our school uniform. Later we found out that a year 11 at our school had skipped the assembly to go out to the busy road in front of our school to jump in front of a car. Somehow, she survived. The car must’ve swerved of it didn’t hit her properly, but she thankfully was okay and had basically no injuries.

You guys mostly know about my temptations for suicide and self harm so I won’t tell you any stories about myself. But I will give you some tips that I use and I’m hoping can help anyone struggling.

  • Surround yourself with people who love you

Don’t hang around toxic people who make you feel bad about yourself. Be with people who make you feel happy and wanted. Whether it be your mum, your sister, your best friend, a teacher, your cat, just talk to them and hang out with them whenever you’re feeling down. For me, those people are Ash and Kay, my mum and sister, and of course Penny. They make me feel like I matter and it really helps to boost your self confidence.

  • Write down your thoughts

For me, I have this wonderful blog to vent my anger and depression to but many don’t have that. You can write down your thoughts in a diary, in a story, a poem, an email to a therapist or friend, anywhere you feel comfortable getting your thoughts out.

  • Do things to distract you

If you’re having a really bad day, do something that requires your whole attention. I sometimes paint, draw, read, run, write blog posts, do online shopping, play games, watch movies, just anything that diverts your attention.

  • Find a friend you can talk to

I don’t particularly like to talk about these things to Ash and Kay because I feel that they don’t really understand. And when I talk to them about it, it seems like they don’t know what to say or do. The responses they give seem half-hearted and awkward, like they want to move onto another topic which is really not helpful. So I talk to Penny. She is what keeps me going. Whenever I feel like I’m actually going to do it, I email or message Penny and she helps me and comforts me. If she wasn’t in my life I might not be here now. I can talk to her about absolutely anything, and because we don’t know each other in real life, it feels like it doesn’t matter what I tell her because who is she going to tell? It’s like having a diary that talks back to you haha.

  • See a therapist or talk to someone who can help

If you depression is getting REALLY bad then I would highly recommend that you talk to a teacher, a parent, a guardian, a sibling, a school counsellor, anyone who can help you to get back on track. Not everyone can handle therapy and that’s okay but having someone there who can really help you might just save your life one day. Think in the long run and know that whoever you tell is not going to judge or hate you for your mental illness.

I hope you found those tips helpful and I really really hope you all know how much I love you and how much you mean to me. If you’re struggling, email me (you can find my email in ┬ámy contacts page) and you can talk to me as much as you want.

And lastly, the three people I’m going to tag are:

This tag is open to everyone though, so if you’re not tagged here, please feel free to do it anyway!

Thank you, all my lovely readers, for always being there for me. So now, I’m always going to be here for you.

Suicide hotline (australia only): 13 11 14

Lifeline website: https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help/get-help-home?gclid=Cj0KEQiAifvEBRCVx5up6Ojgr5oBEiQALHw1TubB4mvF493yEM_fwbPR8upUGVC1lFRuXMkCmaW0YvAaAuae8P8HAQ

Emergency services (australia only): 000

Jags xxxx

An Experience With Suicide

Okay I’m pissed. I’m pissed at Kay. I’m pissed at the world. I’m pissed at humanity. 

So there’s a chick in my year who’s…a bit reckless. She smokes, drinks, take drugs, only at the age of 15. I don’t know her very well, I’ve merely said hello in the hallway and I follow her on Instagram and snapchat. 

But today she’s been posting things on her snapchat story that really scared me. First was a picture of a police station. Then another picture saying ‘today’s the day’. Another showing a load of matches, pills and cigarettes. Then one showing her saying ‘last chance to see everything about me’ then showing her Instagram after it. After going over her story quite a few times I realised she meant that today’s the day she kills herself. Today’s the day she commits suicide. 

Of course I panicked and started messaging ash but she wasn’t checking her snapchat so I texted our group chat with ash and Kay and said something like ‘guys I don’t know what to do help me please’. 

Kay: what’s happened?

Me: have you seen (suicidal girls name)’s snapchat story?

Kay: yes

Me: We’re witnesses and I’ve heard countless stories where piers who knew what were gonna happen did nothing and I don’t wanna be one of those people. Do we message her and ask if she’s okay or call 000 or tell someone’s parents?

Kay: Jags there’s nothing we can do. we aren’t close with (girls name) and we shouldn’t get involved. 

Me: Are you serious??? Just cause we aren’t close with her doesn’t mean we can’t save her life. You know her and if I was in a position where I was suicidal, even if I was determined to do it, deep down I would really really want someone, anyone, to step in and do something. 

Kay: jags seriously. Look I’m talking to her right now. 

Me: Really? Okay good. Is she k?

Kay: She told me she’s ok. Look honestly I know she has people there with her. She’s surrounded by people who love her and care about her. I’m sorta good friends with her so I told her that I’ll always be here to talk if she needs and she’s thankful for that. 

Me: ok good. Sorry for showing some compassion. 

Kay: I know you have good intentions. And I’m sorry if this sounds a lil cocky but I’m pretty sure I know (girls name) better then you. It’s ok. She has people who are there for her. 

WHAT THE FUCK. THIS POOR GIRL IS ABOUT TO KILL HERSELF AND YOUR SAYING WE SHOULDNT GET FUCKING INVOLVED? THIS IS A LIFE AT RISK NOT A BLOODY ENGLISH GRADE OR SOME SHIT. JESUS CHRIST WHERE IS YOUR HUMANITY. 

So at this point I was pissed out of my mind and so I didn’t respond to the last text Kay sent, just to get my point across that I was pissed. 

I’ll admit, Kay does know this girl better than I do. They had some classes together last year and they were pretty good friends. So I completely understood that she knew her better but that doesn’t mean I can’t care about her. I care about everyone in our grade, everyone in our school, and I would never ever standby and let someone die without doing a thing. Going off of Kay’s story, I’m hoping that she’s okay right now and isn’t doing anything she’ll regret. 

3 HOURS LATER

Okay so on this girls Instagram she’s linked to another account where she’s posted loads of personal stuff about her life for everyone to read. It’s meant to be a kind of ‘this is why I did it and fuck you’ to the people who drove her to do this. I’ve been reading over it again and again for about 2 hours just crying and crying and crying. 

Now, think back earlier to when I said I don’t know her that well. And if I don’t know her that well, then why am I crying so much?

Well the answer to that question is because I relate to her. 

I relate to her so much it’s fucking crazy. 

On one of the posts it’s a picture of her in a bikini and the caption saying something about how she hates her face and her body and I just though, me too. 

Then another with scars from her cutting and I looked my own arm and thought, me too. 

Then she talked about her anxiety and depression and temptation for suicide and I thought, me too. 

We have the same fucking life. We are the same fucking people. We have the same fucking problems. 

It could just as easily have been me in her position. 

And that’s why I’m crying. 

That girl about to overdose, or perhaps has already done it, could’ve been me. And not just like, ‘oh maybe that could’ve been me’, I mean like I could’ve done that just now and I’d be gone before anyone knew what to do. 

And it makes me sad because she is one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen and I know she deserves to live and have a life and be happy because she’s been through so much when I don’t deserve that. I’ve been through barely anything at all. Out of the two of us, she’s the one who should live. 

I want her to live. 

I need her to live. 

God, please let her live. 

2 DAYS LATER

Holy shit this is one of the happiest days I’ve ever had. 

So for 2 days I have been sitting in anticipation, tearing up every time I thought of her, imagining the ceremony at school to announce this girls suicide. I’ve been checking Instagram and Snapchat repeatedly, looking for any signs that she’s alive. 

My mum, sister and I just got back from the movies and dinner and I went on my snapchat to check my stories and saw one from this girl. I instantly clicked it and screamed in joy, tears streaming down my face as I read the message from this girl. It was a picture of her arm, obviously in hospital, and her saying ‘ahaha already giving me shit for not dying??’. Obviously, that’s quite morbid but then I checked her Instagram and saw that she had posted something. It read something along the lines of ‘I made sure I could get discharged for the first day of school’ (we go back on the 31st ew, by the way I’m writing this before we’ve gone back so by the time this is posted I probably will have written a post about the first day and some other shit) ‘and as soon as I turned my phone on I was getting messages saying that I should have died. Thanks everyone for everything though. Wish I didn’t get sent to hospital though’. I’m so happy that she’s okay and if we have any classes together I’m going to try and make her feel welcome and smile at her whenever I see her. 

I’ll be keeping everyone in a position involving suicide in mind and in my prayers for a while because I’ve now experienced first hand what it’s like to be involved in something like that. 

There is always another way. There will always be someone there for you, even if they’re a complete stranger. If you’re even considering suicide, please know that there is another option. There’s always another option. And I will always be open to talk about anything, even if it just be to talk about your day. I love you all and I hope you are all doing well. 

Stay strong my little ones. 

Jags xxxx

Anxiety Update

My anxiety is getting worse. There’s no doubt about it. Things that I used to be able to do with no hesitation are now horrific, fear inducing, wetting my pants situations that I have to over come on a daily basis. 

When 2017 rolled around, on first impressions I thought that perhaps my anxiety would get a bit better, that the fear and anxiousness of 2016 would slowly wash away. But now I’m finding that my anxiety is creeping up, and if it reaches the maximum level that my mind can handle I think I’ll break down. And I don’t want to break down. I don’t want people to look at me and go ‘there’s the girl who had a panic attack in the canteen’ or ‘there’s the girl who gets taken out of class to go to therapy’. I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want people to whisper about me and speculate about my person life. I don’t want my parents to be disappointed in me. 

See, by this point a lot of people in my position probably would have told someone. Someone who could help. I’ve thought countless times about talking to my mum or my sister or one of my teachers but the thought of approaching someone and talking about this horrific thing that locks me down and makes me go insane is just daunting. I’m getting anxiety even just thinking about it. 

And we learn about people like me in health sometimes. We learn about mental illness. And every time we have a class on it I feel like I’m lined up in front of the firing squad. Everyone talking about these ‘poor girls’ who have anxiety and ‘how hard it must be for them’. And all the while I’m sitting there with my head down, being extra quiet when all I want to do is stand up and scream. 

One of my favourite teachers, the one that I have debated about telling and asking for help – and coming pretty close sometimes – decided to move from my school to another. And so my plans to perhaps get help from a teacher have basically gone down the toilet. I can’t think of another teacher that I would be comfortable talking to about my problems. And that teacher who moved was my PC (homeroom) teacher so she knew me well and I had talked to her about other personal things before. 

I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in a position I don’t know how to get out of. Ash and Kay know but somehow I don’t think they’d get me help unless I asked, which i wouldn’t have the courage to do. I guess I’m secretly hoping that they’ll decide I really need help and go fuck it and tell a teacher who can do something. 

Do you have any idea what I should do? Because I certainly don’t. 

Jags xx