A New Kind Of Depression

I’m isolating myself. I’m aware that I am. And I know that I should stop but I don’t want to and I don’t think I can.

I’ve felt depressed before, but never like this. It used to feel almost…comical before, it didn’t feel too serious most of the time and I could deal with it. But this time…I don’t know. It’s just different.

And I was doing so well too. I was making new friends, getting out there and doing things that I never used to be able to do. But then suddenly, after one little spurt of anxiety that I posted about a few days ago, I was plunged into this terrible sink hole of depression.

For example, I’m sitting in the bath writing this right now because I had sudden urge to get this all down, and as I stepped into the bath I instantly began imagining ways that I could drown myself. That’s never happened before. I’ve never done something so casual and boring and began to turn it into some horrific death scene.

Now, I’m not suicidal. I know I’m not. I can always tell when I’m suicidal and this is not one of those times. I just feel…empty. And numb. And when I’m in these states I start to think about things like self harm and suicide. I had to stop myself a few minutes ago as I had an urge to cut myself and began rifling around in the bathroom cabinet for scissors. I found some, and as I ran my finger along the blade I came to my senses and shoved them back in the cabinet, slamming it closed.

I just keep thinking that life is so pointless and tedious, why should I even try? I’ve had multiple friends ask me to go to the movies or go out and do something with them, and every time I’ve made up excuses about why I can’t go. I don’t want to see anyone or do anything. All I’ve been doing is lying on the couch eating junk food, which I know may sound like heaven to some people, and to me it usually does too, but doing it in a depressed manner is not fun. I just lie there and think about how depressed and empty I feel, and by doing that, I’m starting to feel more and more of those two things.

But I don’t even want to try to do anything about it like I used to. In some ways, I’m content with just being alone and drowning in my own misery. But I know that I’m going to have to come out of it sometime soon, when I go back to school and when mum comes home, at least partially. I’ll have to start faking smiles and cracking jokes again. And honestly, I don’t know how I’m going to cope with that when the time comes. I actually don’t know if I can go back to school. It’ll either send me over the edge and make me snap, or it will help to get me back on the right track again, it will fill my time and help me organise myself.

Either way, I’ll guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

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“It’s Not A Big Deal”

I had the first run in with my anxiety that I’ve had in quite a while today and I really just felt like writing about it, despite my repeated desertion of this blog.

So one of my friends, I’ll just call her P, whom I only met at the beginning of this year, asked me to go to the movies with her and this guy, J, and his friend. At first I was like ‘yeah! This sounds fun!’ but then, as I always do, I began to think. And think. And think. And think and think and think until I couldn’t think anymore. My head was pounding, filled with thoughts of ‘they’ll all hate me’, ‘they’ll think I’m weird’, ‘it’s going to be so awkward’ until my ears started to ring and I felt like I’d swallowed a stone. So I texted Ash, my best friend, and asked her to come with me. At first she said yes and I was feeling much more confident knowing that I would have someone there who could support me, but then we had to change the day on which we were going to the movies and Ash informed me that she would no longer be able to go.

And so started the downward spiral.

I started to panic (to be honest, I still am), thinking that I couldn’t do this by myself, that I was going to have a panic attack, that everyone would think I was crazy. So I started to message Penny, one of my close internet friends who I tell practically everything, spamming her with messages about what was happening and how I was panicking terribly. But then I stopped myself on about the 20th message and began to message Ash instead who I thought might be able to help me in a different way. So I started to confide in her, telling her that I was feeling really anxious about going without her and I didn’t know if I could do it. After an agonising 30 seconds she responded saying something negative about P, instead of trying to calm me down or help me out, which I was kind of expecting. But I brushed it off and continued the conversation, asking her if there was anyway she could come. So we continued to talk about the possibility of some different days that we could go, and she was quite helpful sometimes, saying that if I started to feel really anxious we could catch a bus to her house, but then, for no apparent reason, I started to panic again. I messaged her saying something like ‘One minute I want to go and the next I feel like vomiting from nerves. I don’t think I can do this’. Keep in mind that I really struggle with opening up to people about my anxiety so I was trying really hard to be open with her. But her response was probably the worse thing that she could have possibly said to me in that moment.

‘It’s not a big deal’.

I dropped my phone on my bed in shock and disbelief. I started to get the shakes, my head pounding again and my ears ringing. Falling onto my bed, I curled up into a ball, tears in my eyes as those words bounced around in my head until I couldn’t stand it anymore and wanted to claw my eyes out. Not a big deal.

To say that my anxiety is not a big deal is like saying that cancer isn’t that bad. You’ll get over it. And sure, maybe I will get over my anxiety, but saying that to me just made me panic even more. My heart is still racing at 500 miles an hour and tears still keep forming in my eyes. And I don’t want to be that girl who’s all like ‘no one understands me, I’m so alone’, but truly, I don’t think a lot of people understand what it’s like to be afraid to go the movies. The bloody movies. Or the supermarket. Or to see your nan. Or to get on the bus. It’s these stupid everyday things that are always the end of me, and everyone thinks I’m crazy for obsessing over situations like these but they really don’t get it. I’m afraid of going to the movies just like people are afraid to go to a haunted house. Every single time I go somewhere is like stepping into a haunted house. Anything could jump out at me and send me into that hurricane of panic and dark thoughts.

I’m still having trouble even looking at my phone. I keep going to pick it up, then jumping away from it like it’s 1000 degrees. Every time it vibrates I inch away from it a little more because I don’t even want to know what else she sent me. And I know it’s not her fault that she (yes, I am going to use this tainted word) triggered me, but if there was one sentence that would have convinced me to go to the movies, ‘It’s not a big deal’ was the complete opposite of that.

All I want to do is curl up in a ball on my couch with a book and my laptop and sit there until I’m forced to go to school again. I don’t want to have to see anyone or do anything. I’m done trying to confide in people, because it seems that every time I try, nothing good comes out of it. In fact, most of the time, something terrible comes out of it. So I’m done trying. I’m probably going to log out of all my social media for the rest of the winter holidays so I can try to relax even in the slightest.

Anyway, sorry for being a drama queen but that’s how my day went today. I’ll actually put a little bit of effort in this time to keep uploading here and document my somewhat interesting life.

Have a great day everyone.

Oh and for all the 18+ Aussies out there:

VOTE YES!

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My Relapse

Perhaps one of the worst things that could happen when you’ve been clean for 6+ months is relapsing. I’ve done it before, and I’m starting to feel the urge to do it again. But I’m trying to resist as much as possible because these last few months, I’ve felt truly happy. I have a loving a family, friends I can trust and be honest with, a good education and so much more and it was making me feel like a normal person again. But of course my stupid ass brain decided that it was time to feel shitty about myself again.

As I was recovering from all of the shit that happened in 2016 and earlier in 2017, I started to realise what the real cause of my anxiety and depression was.

My body image.

I’ve never been happy with my body and every time I look at it, it makes me feel sick. Every part of my body, I hate. And I think that that’s why I self harmed and obsessed over the tiniest things. For a while I stopped caring what other people thought of my body, and I was mildly happy with it, but I’ve started to become obsessed with weight and food and exercise again. I don’t want to tell you what goes through my mind because I know that if I do that some of you would try to stop me but I really don’t want to be stopped because I’m sick and tired of feeling fat and ugly. I know that I can never change the way my face is and that’s fine I’ve accepted that fact of life. But I CAN change the way that my body looks and so that’s what I’ve been trying to do.

But the reason I’ve become scared about this whole thing is that I’ve started to think about self harm again. I think maybe it became such a norm to me with all the trying to lose weight stuff that as I’ve started to make this whole probably deranged plan in my head, self harm has kept popping into it. But that’s not what I want to do. I really don’t want to have to go through hiding my scars from people and feeling guilty and stupid all over again. It was tiring and draining and I hated it but at the same time, I’m craving it.

Fuck, it’s like an addiction. It seriously is. My hands are shaking, I want it so bad. I really don’t want to give in and let my body do what it wants but I feel like I really really really need to. God, I hate how all this shit makes me feel. I honestly don’t think I can restrain myself. I need to see blood and feel the stinging sensation from hot water on fresh wounds.

I’m sorry. To myself and all of you but I can’t do it. I’m weak and I don’t deserve any of the nice things that I know people will say to me. No one can save me, not even myself because I’m to fucking weak and selfish.

Who knew that relapsing could be so easy.

 

Coming Out – I’m bi!

So…uh…long time no see?

Okay, okay, enough dawdling. I’M SORRY. I’m aware that I have been away from this blog for a REALLY long time and I have many excuses lined up in my head to explain to you guys but really, it doesn’t matter why I was away, all that matters now is that I’m back!

Although, don’t hold me to that cause who knows if I’m going to get lazy again and forget that this blog exists.

Anyway, the reason I’m back on my blog today is because recently I’ve started to kind of accept something about myself that I’ve previously kind of pushed away or pretended was just a phase or something. And I don’t know, maybe it is a phase and I’m being a typical curious teenager, but either way it’s something that I wanted to talk to you guys about.

This feels weird for me to type and it’s making me feel really emotional for some reason…I guess I should just come out and say it…

I think I’m bisexual.

Oh god even just typing that was nerve wracking how the hell am I going to post this ahaha.

I don’t really know what else to say. I’ve watched and read so many coming out posts and videos where they go on and on about the relief they feel and how excited and nervous they are, and while yes, I do feel slightly nervous, this definitely isn’t a big deal to me.

I don’t really feel the need to come out to my friends and family, I might in the future but at the moment I feel no need to. I don’t know why but it really doesn’t feel like a big deal. It’s just another part of my identity. And not everyone needs to know every single thing about me so why should I tell them if I don’t really want to. Some of you may disagree with me on this, but really, I feel like my sexuality doesn’t define who I am or my personality. So what if I find girls attractive as well as guys? It doesn’t really matter.

I don’t even really know how I know that I might be bi. And I keep saying ‘might’ because I’m still not entirely sure. I’ve never been with a girl (I’ve never really properly been with a guy either though), I’ve definitely had my fair share of girl crushes, but I’ve never properly considered dating a girl in reality until recently. The thing is though, I can imagine myself very clearly with a girl in the future. And I think the time that I actually do come out to family and maybe some friends will be when I’m 100% sure that I am bi. At the moment I’m still kind of like, uh but do I REALLY want to date girls??? I don’t know my brain is just confused at the moment.

Strangely, the thing that motivated me to accept this part of myself was watching Orange Is The New Black. I watched the new season recently and missed the show so much that I decided to re-watch the whole thing and while I’ve been watching, I’ve kind of realised how much I would love being in a relationship with a girl. I feel like girls can understand each other so much better and it’s easier for girls to see when another girl is feeling down or to see when a girl is being moody cause she’s on period and understanding that. I feel like that kind of connection is something most people could never have with a guy and I personally think that kind of compatibility is really important in a relationship.

Going back to why I don’t feel the need to come out to anyone else, I just kind of feel like it’s not really relevant to my family at the moment because I’m 1) unsure, and 2) don’t have a girlfriend. Until I’m 100% sure and have actually experienced being with a girl, I’m probably not going to tell them. My reason for not really wanting to tell friends is a bit different to my reason for not telling family though.

At my school, being gay or bi, etc isn’t necessarily looked down upon but the people who are gay are definitely kind of outcasted sometimes and they’re seen as a bit weird or too queer. I feel like if I told even 1 friend who wasn’t Ash (I know she would never spread rumors or secrets about me) it would definitely get spread around the school and I would be SO uncomfortable with that. I don’t need people who I’m not friends with knowing my sexuality. As I said before, I just find that totally unnecessary. And I definitely think I would get treated differently. I would maybe consider telling Ash at some point but I definitely don’t think that it’s something I’ll be stressing about. I would probably only tell her spontaneously, like if LGBTQ+ subjects came up in our conversation or we were telling each other secrets or something like that. I think that if I’m ever going to come out to all my friends, I want to be out of high school and in uni or graduated from uni. High school is such a toxic place filled with so much hate and I’d rather not have to deal with any discrimination or drama along with the struggles of surviving as a teenager.

Anyway, that’s all I wanted to talk about in this post so I hope you enjoyed! I’m aware it was kind of random and out of the blue but hopefully I can get back into the swing of blogging soon. Please keep in my mind that everything I discussed in this post is MY opinion and I am in no way telling you that you shouldn’t come out to your friends and family or keep your sexuality a secret, I’m just saying that for me personally, I don’t want to. Do whatever makes you happy, my friends!

Thanks for reading!

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The Years To Come

Life is moving by so quickly.

In merely 9 days I’m going to be 15. 15! It’s such a small number, yet it seems so enormous and encompassing. I’ve been on this Earth for 15 years. 15 years where I’ve seen tragedy, joy, illness, destruction, actions of kindness that only occur every so often and everything in between. Hell, I even remember when nobody worried about climate change and everyone said things like “that won’t happen in my lifetime”. Look at the world now. I wonder what those people are thinking now.

In 5 weeks, semester 2 is going to start. It’s going to be term 3. That means that we are almost half way through the year.

It’s going to be June in 3 days. We only have 6 months left of 2017. Why do I feel like I’ve done nothing in that time? In 6 months you could be in your second trimester of pregnancy. In 6 months you could have traveled the whole of Europe. You could do so many things in 6 months but here I am sitting in my bedroom and all I have to show for 6 months are some crappy paintings, mediocre grades and a fucked up ankle.

Side note: Oh yeah by the way last weekend I fell over at netball and stuffed my ankle up so I had to go to hospital and get x rays and shit and they told me that I tore some really big ligaments in my foot which sucks and they said that if it doesn’t heal properly then I won’t be able to play netball ever again which I am sort of panicking about because netball is my escape and I love it with a passion so I can’t give it up. Okay deep breaths ha that was a long old sentence.

On June 3rd I’m going to be in Queensland. I’m going to Cairns and then Port Douglas which are cities up around the Great Barrier Reef in Australia and we’re going snorkeling and we’re gonna walk through the rain forests. It’s gonna be so fucking fun. I’ll definitely write a blog post for you guys about it when I get back.

At the end of this year I’ll be going on year 9 camp where we go to Sydney and basically do like a mini Amazing Race sort of thing.

I’m going to a Harry Styles concert in Sydney in December.

I’m going to an Ed Sheeran concert in March 2018.

I’m going to be in year 10.

I’m going to be 16

I’m going to learn to drive.

I’m going to graduate from high school.

I’m going to be in college (by the way college in Australia is year 11 and 12, not university).

I’m going to be in year 11.

I’m going to be a senior.

I’m going to be 17.

I’m going to get my P plates.

I’m going to get a job.

I’m going to be in year 12.

I’m going to be 18.

I’m going to be able to drink alcohol.

I’m going to graduate.

I’m going to go to university.

All of the stuff that I’ve listed above is all the shit that’s going to happen in the next 3 and a half years. 3 and a half fucking years. That’s nothing in the grand scheme of things. But yet, these next 3 and a half years are going to be the craziest years of my life so far.

And to be honest, I’m looking forward to it.

But I’m also a little scared.

But that’s okay. Because being scared means that you’re self aware. It means that you know that not everything is going to be perfect and you’re going to make mistakes and there’s going to be times when everything really fucking sucks. But you’ll get through it. And I know that because if you’re still here, alive right now, living on this Earth, then you’ve gotten through everything else.

So why couldn’t you get through this?

 

 

Explaining My Breakdown and Getting Some Help

I’m sorry about the other day guys. I was just having a really shit night and I don’t think I was fully THERE if you know what I mean. I was kind of hallucinating and I felt really out of it. I don’t even remember half the things I wrote. And I don’t have much of a desire to go back and read it. I don’t even know what caused all this. I was so happy and everything was fine but then I got from school and I felt so depressed and I was craving self harm so bad. I didn’t want to give in. I really didn’t want to do it again because I’ve been clean for months and I didn’t want to throw away all that progress. But I did and now I’ve got fresh cuts on my body and I feel so numb and I’m faking a smile and I don’t even care anymore. No one cares. But the worst thing is that I actually enjoyed it. I enjoyed self harming which is so bad but I did. I missed it. But it also sucks. But I still want more. Ugh I hate this it’s like my mind is split in two and they’re both yelling at each other and they won’t slow down to just let me think for a minute. I’m zoning out like every 5 minutes and literally there’s nothing wrong with my life right now. I have parents who love me and a big healthy family and I have friends and a house and food and so many things that I don’t even need but yet my brain is still telling me “your life sucks. Your life sucks. Be sad. Be sad. Hate yourself. Hate yourself.” Maybe I have a chemical imbalance in my brain I don’t know but I just want it to go away. 

I felt so numb and tired and I seriously could barely lift my fingers, due to the many many typos in that post. I’m usually so pristine with my posts and I hate typos and stuff but I don’t know I just lost all interest when writing that one. 
I’m finishing this off a few days later and I’m the period of time between them, something big has happened. 

It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a very long time but never had the nerves to. And that is…talking to someone. Literally. That’s it. But it’s not just that. I found this the most daunting thing in the entire world and I was so nervous about it I actually thought I was going to vomit. So the night after I wrote that thing where I was a bit crazy, I was being really quiet in the car on the way home from school and I think my mum noticed and knew that something was wrong. She asked me how school was and what I did. I replied with ‘it was fine’ and that was it. 

Mum: how are you?

Me: fine

*pause*

Mum: are you alright? Is everything okay at school

Me: yes

*another pause*

Mum: are you sure?

*no reply*

*mum takes my hand*

Mum: talk to me. What’s going on?

*no reply*

Mum: Jags?

*no reply*
I didn’t reply for so long because I was trying to get the words out of my mouth but I physically couldn’t. They were stuck inside of me and I couldn’t get them out. And then I started to cry. 
Mum: don’t cry, just tell me what’s wrong

Me: in school we’re learning about mental health

Mum: okay

Me: and we were talking about some of the symptoms and stuff

Mum: mhm

Me: and it’s like…some of the stuff…I’m like…that’s me
And then I started fully bawling. And I expected her to be shocked or overly sympathetic or instantly worried but she wasn’t. She just said…
Mum: okay. In what way?

Me: like anxiety and depression stuff
And so the conversation went on. We talked for another half an hour while driving home and she was so good with everything. She just asked me questions and gave me my own time to answer. She didn’t shove answers in my mouth or tell yes or no or that’s wrong or you’re over reacting. She just listened and tried to help. And it’s made me love her even more. 

She told me we can look into finding a counsellor or something at my school who I can talk to when I need to which I’m so looking forward to. But my favourite thing about the whole night was the last thing she said about the topic:

“Let’s make you happy again” and kissed my hand. 

I don’t know why but it made me feel safe. Like I could rely on her and let her make all the really tough decisions. And now I’m not carrying around this dead weight of a secret that has been making me feel like absolute shit for the last 2 years. I feel so free and like I can tell her anything now. 

If only I’d known how well my family would take it earlier then maybe this whole mental health thing wouldn’t have gotten so out of control. But you know. That’s the way things go. 

If you’re out there struggling with mental health I urge you to speak up because it made me feel so much better and I already feel like my mental state is improving because of it. You don’t have to straight away tell your parents either. Talk to a friend you trust or a sibling or a teacher or go online and find a place to talk about your feelings. 

And remember, you can get through it. Anyone can. You just have to hold on and wait for the storm to pass. 

I love you all. Stay safe and happy and remember I’m always here. Always. 

My Weight Gain and Being Sick

Today I wanted to give you a bit of an update about how my life is going right now.

So I know that I’ve talked to you guys about weight loss and eating disorders before, and I haven’t been bad with eating disorders lately, but I have gained a butt load of weight.

I used to weigh 55 kilos (around 120 pounds? I don’t know, I’m trusting Google on this) which is a good weight for a girl who’s 5’4. This was around maybe April to September 2016. Then it got to the summer and I began slacking off with my exercise cause it was super hot and I gained 5 kilos so I was 60 kilos (132 pounds). That’s still an average weight for a girl my height. But then it reached Christmas…and holy shit I went fucking mental. I think I must’ve eaten a bit of chocolate everyday because I started gaining weight so fast. And I didn’t do any exercise because I was on holidays and I was being lazy. So…I gained another 5 kilos. So now I’m 65 kilos (143 pounds) which, according to this chart, is only JUST average weight for my height.

Image result for womens weight chart

So I went from being almost underweight to almost overweight. Jesus fucking Christ.

I’m still 65 kilos now and I haven’t really done much exercise or eaten particularly healthy recently (lol my “dieting” plan worked really well, I’ll give you an update on that soon) and I think that unless I eat Maccas every single day for a few weeks (which I highly doubt would happen cause tbh Maccas is rank), I’ll probably stay this weight until I can be fucked to lose it all again.

I’ve been quite motivated to exercise this week but unfortunately I haven’t been able to exercise because I’m sick. WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN IN THE ONE WEEK THAT I’VE WANTED TO EXERCISE AHHHHHHH.

So a few months ago I kept getting these random moments during the day where I would feel really lightheaded and it was there for quite a while but then it went away for a bit. And then last week I kept getting this really sharp pains in my stomach and I felt super sick so I had to stay home for half the week.

And then I was having some really bad acne problems so we went to a GP to talk to them about that and then my mum told her about my stomach pains and dizziness and the doctor told us to get some blood tests. And I thought I had gotten better and we were just gonna get the blood tests for precaution, but then yesterday I started getting really dizzy. At one point we were in science, and the science labs have these higher chairs so you can sit at the big tables and when I was sitting there, I got this big wave of dizziness and I thought I was falling off my chair cause that’s what it felt like so I grabbed the table and the whole room was spinning and Ash was like um what the hell are you okay mate? And so after that my mum came to pick me up from school and we went to get the blood tests done. So now I’m staying home again until I feel better. Ugh.

Yeah the past few weeks haven’t been all that fun.

All I’ve been able to do is just sit on the couch and watch TV and I’m honestly sick of it ugh I want to go outside and run and be normal again. I’m really hoping that the blood tests don’t say that I’ve got some sort of disease cause I hate having to sit at home all the time.

Anyway yep life’s super fun right now. I’m planning on writing some of a story to show you guys today, but I still need to figure all the details out so watch out for that. Oh my god I have so many posts that I’m late on showing you guys like the reading list, the weight loss update, ahhhhh I’m sorryyyyyyyy.

Okay I’ll stop apoligising now and actually go write them.

Bye my loves.

Reading: One Plus One

Page: 38

Thoughts: Family drama ahhh fun

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