“It’s Not A Big Deal”

I had the first run in with my anxiety that I’ve had in quite a while today and I really just felt like writing about it, despite my repeated desertion of this blog.

So one of my friends, I’ll just call her P, whom I only met at the beginning of this year, asked me to go to the movies with her and this guy, J, and his friend. At first I was like ‘yeah! This sounds fun!’ but then, as I always do, I began to think. And think. And think. And think and think and think until I couldn’t think anymore. My head was pounding, filled with thoughts of ‘they’ll all hate me’, ‘they’ll think I’m weird’, ‘it’s going to be so awkward’ until my ears started to ring and I felt like I’d swallowed a stone. So I texted Ash, my best friend, and asked her to come with me. At first she said yes and I was feeling much more confident knowing that I would have someone there who could support me, but then we had to change the day on which we were going to the movies and Ash informed me that she would no longer be able to go.

And so started the downward spiral.

I started to panic (to be honest, I still am), thinking that I couldn’t do this by myself, that I was going to have a panic attack, that everyone would think I was crazy. So I started to message Penny, one of my close internet friends who I tell practically everything, spamming her with messages about what was happening and how I was panicking terribly. But then I stopped myself on about the 20th message and began to message Ash instead who I thought might be able to help me in a different way. So I started to confide in her, telling her that I was feeling really anxious about going without her and I didn’t know if I could do it. After an agonising 30 seconds she responded saying something negative about P, instead of trying to calm me down or help me out, which I was kind of expecting. But I brushed it off and continued the conversation, asking her if there was anyway she could come. So we continued to talk about the possibility of some different days that we could go, and she was quite helpful sometimes, saying that if I started to feel really anxious we could catch a bus to her house, but then, for no apparent reason, I started to panic again. I messaged her saying something like ‘One minute I want to go and the next I feel like vomiting from nerves. I don’t think I can do this’. Keep in mind that I really struggle with opening up to people about my anxiety so I was trying really hard to be open with her. But her response was probably the worse thing that she could have possibly said to me in that moment.

‘It’s not a big deal’.

I dropped my phone on my bed in shock and disbelief. I started to get the shakes, my head pounding again and my ears ringing. Falling onto my bed, I curled up into a ball, tears in my eyes as those words bounced around in my head until I couldn’t stand it anymore and wanted to claw my eyes out. Not a big deal.

To say that my anxiety is not a big deal is like saying that cancer isn’t that bad. You’ll get over it. And sure, maybe I will get over my anxiety, but saying that to me just made me panic even more. My heart is still racing at 500 miles an hour and tears still keep forming in my eyes. And I don’t want to be that girl who’s all like ‘no one understands me, I’m so alone’, but truly, I don’t think a lot of people understand what it’s like to be afraid to go the movies. The bloody movies. Or the supermarket. Or to see your nan. Or to get on the bus. It’s these stupid everyday things that are always the end of me, and everyone thinks I’m crazy for obsessing over situations like these but they really don’t get it. I’m afraid of going to the movies just like people are afraid to go to a haunted house. Every single time I go somewhere is like stepping into a haunted house. Anything could jump out at me and send me into that hurricane of panic and dark thoughts.

I’m still having trouble even looking at my phone. I keep going to pick it up, then jumping away from it like it’s 1000 degrees. Every time it vibrates I inch away from it a little more because I don’t even want to know what else she sent me. And I know it’s not her fault that she (yes, I am going to use this tainted word) triggered me, but if there was one sentence that would have convinced me to go to the movies, ‘It’s not a big deal’ was the complete opposite of that.

All I want to do is curl up in a ball on my couch with a book and my laptop and sit there until I’m forced to go to school again. I don’t want to have to see anyone or do anything. I’m done trying to confide in people, because it seems that every time I try, nothing good comes out of it. In fact, most of the time, something terrible comes out of it. So I’m done trying. I’m probably going to log out of all my social media for the rest of the winter holidays so I can try to relax even in the slightest.

Anyway, sorry for being a drama queen but that’s how my day went today. I’ll actually put a little bit of effort in this time to keep uploading here and document my somewhat interesting life.

Have a great day everyone.

Oh and for all the 18+ Aussies out there:

VOTE YES!

img_1818-7

 

Advertisements

The Years To Come

Life is moving by so quickly.

In merely 9 days I’m going to be 15. 15! It’s such a small number, yet it seems so enormous and encompassing. I’ve been on this Earth for 15 years. 15 years where I’ve seen tragedy, joy, illness, destruction, actions of kindness that only occur every so often and everything in between. Hell, I even remember when nobody worried about climate change and everyone said things like “that won’t happen in my lifetime”. Look at the world now. I wonder what those people are thinking now.

In 5 weeks, semester 2 is going to start. It’s going to be term 3. That means that we are almost half way through the year.

It’s going to be June in 3 days. We only have 6 months left of 2017. Why do I feel like I’ve done nothing in that time? In 6 months you could be in your second trimester of pregnancy. In 6 months you could have traveled the whole of Europe. You could do so many things in 6 months but here I am sitting in my bedroom and all I have to show for 6 months are some crappy paintings, mediocre grades and a fucked up ankle.

Side note: Oh yeah by the way last weekend I fell over at netball and stuffed my ankle up so I had to go to hospital and get x rays and shit and they told me that I tore some really big ligaments in my foot which sucks and they said that if it doesn’t heal properly then I won’t be able to play netball ever again which I am sort of panicking about because netball is my escape and I love it with a passion so I can’t give it up. Okay deep breaths ha that was a long old sentence.

On June 3rd I’m going to be in Queensland. I’m going to Cairns and then Port Douglas which are cities up around the Great Barrier Reef in Australia and we’re going snorkeling and we’re gonna walk through the rain forests. It’s gonna be so fucking fun. I’ll definitely write a blog post for you guys about it when I get back.

At the end of this year I’ll be going on year 9 camp where we go to Sydney and basically do like a mini Amazing Race sort of thing.

I’m going to a Harry Styles concert in Sydney in December.

I’m going to an Ed Sheeran concert in March 2018.

I’m going to be in year 10.

I’m going to be 16

I’m going to learn to drive.

I’m going to graduate from high school.

I’m going to be in college (by the way college in Australia is year 11 and 12, not university).

I’m going to be in year 11.

I’m going to be a senior.

I’m going to be 17.

I’m going to get my P plates.

I’m going to get a job.

I’m going to be in year 12.

I’m going to be 18.

I’m going to be able to drink alcohol.

I’m going to graduate.

I’m going to go to university.

All of the stuff that I’ve listed above is all the shit that’s going to happen in the next 3 and a half years. 3 and a half fucking years. That’s nothing in the grand scheme of things. But yet, these next 3 and a half years are going to be the craziest years of my life so far.

And to be honest, I’m looking forward to it.

But I’m also a little scared.

But that’s okay. Because being scared means that you’re self aware. It means that you know that not everything is going to be perfect and you’re going to make mistakes and there’s going to be times when everything really fucking sucks. But you’ll get through it. And I know that because if you’re still here, alive right now, living on this Earth, then you’ve gotten through everything else.

So why couldn’t you get through this?

 

 

My Weight Gain and Being Sick

Today I wanted to give you a bit of an update about how my life is going right now.

So I know that I’ve talked to you guys about weight loss and eating disorders before, and I haven’t been bad with eating disorders lately, but I have gained a butt load of weight.

I used to weigh 55 kilos (around 120 pounds? I don’t know, I’m trusting Google on this) which is a good weight for a girl who’s 5’4. This was around maybe April to September 2016. Then it got to the summer and I began slacking off with my exercise cause it was super hot and I gained 5 kilos so I was 60 kilos (132 pounds). That’s still an average weight for a girl my height. But then it reached Christmas…and holy shit I went fucking mental. I think I must’ve eaten a bit of chocolate everyday because I started gaining weight so fast. And I didn’t do any exercise because I was on holidays and I was being lazy. So…I gained another 5 kilos. So now I’m 65 kilos (143 pounds) which, according to this chart, is only JUST average weight for my height.

Image result for womens weight chart

So I went from being almost underweight to almost overweight. Jesus fucking Christ.

I’m still 65 kilos now and I haven’t really done much exercise or eaten particularly healthy recently (lol my “dieting” plan worked really well, I’ll give you an update on that soon) and I think that unless I eat Maccas every single day for a few weeks (which I highly doubt would happen cause tbh Maccas is rank), I’ll probably stay this weight until I can be fucked to lose it all again.

I’ve been quite motivated to exercise this week but unfortunately I haven’t been able to exercise because I’m sick. WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN IN THE ONE WEEK THAT I’VE WANTED TO EXERCISE AHHHHHHH.

So a few months ago I kept getting these random moments during the day where I would feel really lightheaded and it was there for quite a while but then it went away for a bit. And then last week I kept getting this really sharp pains in my stomach and I felt super sick so I had to stay home for half the week.

And then I was having some really bad acne problems so we went to a GP to talk to them about that and then my mum told her about my stomach pains and dizziness and the doctor told us to get some blood tests. And I thought I had gotten better and we were just gonna get the blood tests for precaution, but then yesterday I started getting really dizzy. At one point we were in science, and the science labs have these higher chairs so you can sit at the big tables and when I was sitting there, I got this big wave of dizziness and I thought I was falling off my chair cause that’s what it felt like so I grabbed the table and the whole room was spinning and Ash was like um what the hell are you okay mate? And so after that my mum came to pick me up from school and we went to get the blood tests done. So now I’m staying home again until I feel better. Ugh.

Yeah the past few weeks haven’t been all that fun.

All I’ve been able to do is just sit on the couch and watch TV and I’m honestly sick of it ugh I want to go outside and run and be normal again. I’m really hoping that the blood tests don’t say that I’ve got some sort of disease cause I hate having to sit at home all the time.

Anyway yep life’s super fun right now. I’m planning on writing some of a story to show you guys today, but I still need to figure all the details out so watch out for that. Oh my god I have so many posts that I’m late on showing you guys like the reading list, the weight loss update, ahhhhh I’m sorryyyyyyyy.

Okay I’ll stop apoligising now and actually go write them.

Bye my loves.

Reading: One Plus One

Page: 38

Thoughts: Family drama ahhh fun

img_1818-3

A Message To You, Me And Everyone Else

You know what I realised today? I realised that I don’t have to hide scars, inside and out, just because I’m afraid of what people will think. 

I was looking at the scars (and yes, don’t worry they ARE scars) on my wrist today and thinking about how everyday I’m in fear of people looking at them, people asking about them, people knowing that I’ve got shit going on. And then I realised that I shouldn’t have to be scared about this. Because the scars on my wrists are not scars that I should be embarrassed about. They’re scars I should be proud of. Because they show that I got through something and I survived something, because I haven’t self harmed in months. I can’t even remember the last time I properly self harmed. And I’m proud of that. So why should I have to hide my achievements just because I’m afraid someone’s going to think I’m fucked up and just another one of ‘those girls’. 

So from now on, fuck that. I’m not going to hide my scars anymore. And if people stare and ask questions, I’ll tell them. These are my scars. These are my memories. These are marks that I can never get rid of but also marks I never want to forget. Because these marks remind me that I’ve survived and that I’m still here, walking on this earth. And to me, that seems like a pretty big achievement. So fuck anyone who thinks that I should hide them with makeup and bracelets and jumpers. It’s my body, and if you’ve got a problem with it, keep it to yourself. 

And there are scars all over me that people can’t see. Scars on my legs, in my heart, on my brain. More scars that are permanent. And even though you can’t see those scars, I don’t want to have to hide them either. Because not all of them are scars. They’re fresh wounds. They’re sliced into my mind and my soul that I’m trying to desperately heal and I don’t need other people trying to bring me down for the small list of things that I’ve achieved. 

1. Staying alive

2. Not harming myself

And that goes out to anyone else out there embarrassed about scars, whether they be inside or outside. Because you don’t deserve to live in fear for something good that you’ve done. So embrace yourself, love yourself, and fuck anyone who says otherwise. 

I’m Going Crazy

I don’t want to go to school tomorrow. I just feel so unmotivated right now and life just feels so fucking pointless. I honestly just want to stay in bed and do nothing for as long as possible. I don’t want to interact with anyone. I don’t want to be around people who make me nervous and who I’m unsure about. I’m scared of their judgement and their thoughts and it drives me insane. Every second of school is spent with me thinking ‘what if they think my Pe shorts are too short and my thighs are too big. What if they think I’m annoying. What if they think I have no friends.’ And I try to convince myself that I doesn’t matter but I can’t get it out of my head. I’m just so angry. I want to punch something right now and I want to cry and scream and never have to get up again. 

Recently I’ve just been feeling so hopeless and I don’t know what to do with myself. School seems so pointless, life seems so pointless, everything just seems pointless. I feel like I’m stuck in a busy street with everyone moving around me as they go about their lives while I’m standing there alone and screaming and nobody even bats an eye. 

Sorry for being so morbid but I just can’t hold it in cause if I do I might go over the edge. I can feel it happening and when it does I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m going insane inside my own head and it’s making me fucking crazy. And when I do go over the edge I don’t know if I’ll be able to get back up again. 

I feel at any moment I might just burst out in tears and off myself. I feel like nobody really cares. I feel like I need to get out here. 

Reading: Ten Thousand Skies Above You


Page: 296


Thoughts: Damn this got real dramatic 

Crappy English Teachers, Body Image and Anxiety Chat

I haven’t written a post in a while – mostly due to lack of creativity – but I thought why not do it now as I’m bored as fuck. I’m literally sitting in the school bathroom right now to get away of my demon of a English teacher who I actually could murder if I was compelled enough. We had an assignment due today and holy fucking shit she needs to calm her ass. When I told her I was a little bit over the word limit she was like ‘no you have to be on it exactly’. But I’d already edited all I could out of it and if I took anymore out it would just sound shit. So I just death glared her, said ‘fine’ and deleted the whole end of my assignment so it was in the world limit. Suck on that you fucking bitch ass of a woman. She needs to take that giant stick out of her ass and realise that no one actually gives a fuck about year 9 English and no one cares about your lengthy speeches you like to bestow upon us. And every time I ask to go to the toilet and I say ‘may I go to the bathroom please?’ Like we were taught to in primary school, she back chats and tells me ‘it’s called a toilet’ and gives me this fucking obnoxious glare that makes me want to slap her. Earlier when I asked I literally rolled my eyes at her and walked out of the class without even waiting for her to say that I could. Jesus Christ I hate her. I had her in year 7 as well and I literally learnt shit all that whole year. I’ve asked my mum if I can move from her class and she said maybe, if they accepted my reasoning. I just dread going to her class and I really really want to move. Hopefully I’ll get to. Another thing that I want to touch on (I can’t remember if I told you guys this or not? If I have, hang in there) is that I’ve been having a lot more panic attacks than I usually do. I haven’t had one too recently but last week I had two panic attacks two days in a row and it was not fun. They were mostly because of my body image and I just felt incredibly ugly and fat and like I would never be pretty and skinny like other girls. But this morning as I was having a shower I looked at myself in the mirror (and don’t think me self centred for this) and thought ‘I feel beautiful’. So what if I have a different body type? I’m a bit bigger and curvier than other girls but I’m not fat. If someone I didn’t know looked at me they probably wouldn’t think ‘wow that girl is fat’ they would probably just think I looked like a regular girl. So what I have smaller boobs than most? So what my stomach sticks out a bit more? So what I have wider thighs? If I’m happy and I feel good about myself then that’s okay. 

A lot of the time I don’t feel good about myself and I do want to lose weight. And I think I probably always will want to lose weight but I want to do it in a way that makes me happy. 

I think I’m going to make a post about my weight loss because it’s something I want to do to make me feel good but I also need the determination to do it and I think that support from you guys will really help me. 

I don’t really know what this post was, sort of just a chat, but I hope you enjoyed!

Sorry for my unplanned hiatus but I’ve just been extremely lazy and I do have a lot of half-done posts that I will eventually get round to sharing with you guys, just stay with me okay? Okay. Cool. 

Lastly, sorry for forgetting to do my little book update things at the end of my posts. I’ve finished Because You’ll Never Meet Me and A Thousand Pieces Of You. I’m now onto Ten Thousand Skies Above You. 

Reading: Ten Thousand Skies Above You


Page: 155


Thoughts: where is this going? Ugh the suspense is killing me. 

Jags xxx

One Of The Worst Days Of My Life

WARNING: I use a lot of swear words in the post and if you get triggered by reading stuff about suicide, self harm and eating disorders then stop reading this now. This past week was good. It was so fun and I actually enjoyed school and I felt happy. But at the same time it was the worst week I’ve had in a long time. 

So all week I’ve been feeling so self conscious about my body. All I can think about myself is fat, ugly, stupid and today I was just done with it. 

So I starved myself. I haven’t eaten a thing all day. Well, I have but as soon as I ate it, I went and vomited it straight back up. 

I’m just sick of feeling fat and I feel like the only way out that is quick enough for me is starving myself. I just don’t want to have to deal with food and my body anymore. 

And to be honest, not eating makes me feel good. It makes me feel skinny and happy and healthy, even though I’m aware it’s not. 

Just to add the cherry on top, I also went and fucked myself up by cutting myself. 

Fucking hell i’m so messed and i’m just done with it honestly. There’s so many kids out there who cut and are depressed and I’m sick of being another one of ‘those’ people as its described at school. 

I see those people looking at my wrist and turning to their friends to talk about me. I can tell that you’re watching me and everything I do. 

But for me, cutting isn’t for fucking attention. It’s because I’m depressed and I want to die and it’s a stress reliever so don’t fucking go off at me and other people for cutting themselves and seeking ‘attention’ because for a lot of people it’s actually because they don’t want to live anymore and they hate themselves. 

I’m about to go eat fucking dinner and I’m so scared because I know as soon as I eat one mouthful I’m going to feel fat and ugly again and I’m just going to want to go and throw up for the second time today. I can’t eat dinner no I seriously can’t. If I eat I’ll get fat again. And I can’t get fat. I can’t eat. Fuck fuck fuck fuck if I eat I’m actually going to fucking kill myself. I’m going to get so fat and people will talk about me and I just don’t want to eat. I can’t fucking eat!!!!

Nobody should care about me I’m such a burden and a fucktard and ughhhhh why do people have to care. It would be so much easier if no one cared about me and no would ask questions about my cuts and why I’m not eating. I just want to be alone and skinny and dead. I just want to fucking die. Someone kill me before this gets any worse. 

Edit: just read this over and I’m sorry guys. I’m so sorry for swearing so much and being such a bitch. Today was one of the worst days I’ve had. And right now all I want to do is cry but I don’t even have the emotion to do that. 

My brain is telling me not to put this up on my blog because it’s too rude and it’s angry and not the impression that I usually give on my blog. 

But I want people to know that this is the bad version of me. This is the version that hates the world and wants to kill herself. And as I always promised to be honest and true to you guys, I’m going to show that side of me in this post. 

I’m sorry if you took offence to this. I’m sorry if you were triggered. But this is the way I am inside my brain and this is what I listen to all day long. 

Thank you for being there for me, even though I don’t deserve it. 

Let’s hope tomorrow is a better day. Because I guess all I can do is keep up moving forward. There’s no point in loitering in the past. Because the past is the past and there’s no going back there. So I might as well forget about it and focus on the future. 

Even though the past isn’t something you can control, the future is. So make it worthwhile. 

Jags xxx