Help

For the first time in a really really long time I’m having those thoughts again. And I haven’t had them in so long but then I’m just not feeling the same anymore and I know I need help but I can’t oh god I can’t and then if I did who knows what the fuck would happen and I just can’t. No one really gives a shit they all say they do and act like they do but if they really did they would see and they would know but they don’t and I can’t. I constantly think about it what people would do how would they react and I’ve come to the conclusion that most people might shed a tear or two and feel sad for a week but then they’d move on and they’d forget and no one would care anymore. I’m so self destructive I even sometimes wish that my parents hated me and that they’d leave me alone so I could destroy my body and my mind without feeling any guilt or being scared. I just don’t know and I don’t want to and I just want the thoughts to stop and for everything to just stop because I can’t I’ve cried so many times tonight and I WANT IT TO FUCKING STOP JUST STOP.

Please

Stop

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Me vs Food

WARING: If you suffer from an eating disorder, depression or if you’re just really sensitive then maybe skip this post. It’s a tough one.

 

 

I feel like I’m approaching breaking point. Everyday is a battle between my brain and my body.

My body says ‘eat’ and my brain replies ‘no. You’ll get fat’.

My body says ‘stop, that hurts’ and my brain replies ‘no. You have to keep exercising’.

My body says ‘you can stop eating now’ and my brain says ‘you have just a little more. It will be okay’.

But none of this is ever okay.

I’m at a point now where looking in the mirror makes me want to throw up. Seeing myself, my face, my body, it repulses me. Every movement I make forces me to be aware of another part of my body I’m unhappy with. Cross my legs: oh look there’s some leg fat. Look down: oh look there’s a double chin.

I try to prevent myself from doing the thing that makes me feel this way everyday and yet everyday I always feel like I’ve failed. Every time I sit down in front of a meal all I want to do is scream and throw it against the wall. I want to never eat again, I want it all to just go away, and yet each time I’m put in a situation where there’s food and people watching me, I eat to my hearts content. At least that’s what it feels like.

Dinner time has become the worst time of day.

The rest of the time I can get away with eating nothing. Spit out the chewed up food into a tissue when no ones looking, take some snacks to my room and stash them away until I can take them away again. But at dinner time there’s no escaping. I kid myself thinking that no one would notice if I didn’t eat dinner. Of course they would notice. Then there would be questions. And questions would lead to discovery. And discovery would lead to god knows what and I don’t want to deal with it.

I’m just done with feeling fat and worthless and ugly. I disgust myself. And I just keep telling myself that if I lose that 5 kilograms then I’ll feel better. All my problems will go away. But deep in my mind I know that 5 kilograms will lead to 10 kilograms then 15 then 20 until there’s nothing left to lose. But I don’t care.

Because if I’m skinny then I’ll be happy right?

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Facing My Anxiety

Recently I’ve been trying to get a hold on my anxiety. One of the many things that anxiety causes me to do is to bail on social interactions. For example, if someone I’m not entirely comfortable with invites me to the movies or to go to their house or something, initially I agree and think it will be fun, but as it gets closer to the date I usually make up some excuse about why I can’t go. This basically always happens. I don’t even know why, even if I really like the person, my brain suddenly goes into panic mode and I start telling myself that it will be awkward, they’ll think I’m weird, I’m going to be left out of conversations, and so instead of facing my fears I just run away from them.

But this time was different. I’ve made quite a few new friends this year and we kept saying that we wanted to do something together for ages, and so finally we made plans to go to one of our friends houses and hang out. At first I was really excited to, as always, but then Ash and P, my two really good friends that I’m super comfortable with, said that they couldn’t go and I started to panic. I’m good friends with the other girls that are going but because they’re not my really close friends I started to panic. So I messaged them and said I might not be able to go. But then after a few days I started thinking about it and I thought to myself, I always do this. I always bail on plans I make. But I’m never going to get better and beat my anxiety if I continue to do it. I have to actually try and face my fears. So I messaged them again and said never mind, I can go now. And I feel really good about myself. I’m still a little bit nervous and the odd thought about how they don’t like me and they’re going to ignore me pops up, but I just keep pushing it down and telling myself that it will be okay and it will be fun.

So yeah. I’m pretty happy with myself at the moment. I’ve been planning on doing a post talking about all the affects that anxiety has on me and my life but I’m kind of struggling to write it because it feels very personal and it really dives head first into my psychological wellbeing. To be honest it’s kind of scary. But I really want to just get it done and post it because I do really think it could help some people who suffer from anxiety to understand their brains better and identify all the things that trigger anxiety. So that post should be up soon.

Lastly, I just want to say that I want all of you to do something like I did. Face your fears, even if it’s only something small like doing something independently or resisting urges that you get to do something. It makes you feel really good about yourself to take a stand against a mental illness or an addiction or whatever problems you have in your life, and that’s all some people need to lift them up. Just one moment where they do something good for themselves and get to feel in control again.

Take a step forward, be brave, and don’t look back.

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Thank You Australia – Gay Marriage

15th of November, 2017.

This was the day that gay marriage was legalised in Australia.

This was the day that, finally, love was allowed to be love, and equality was welcomed into Australia.

Finally, all those who I know who are apart of the LGBT+ community have a future ahead of them filled with love and hope and equality.

I’ve never been prouder to be an Australian than I am today, that finally we have welcomed and accepted every single type of person in our legend of a country with open arms and open hearts. And I only hope that this sense of equality continues.

Because now, my friends, my family, even strangers, who live in Australia will be able to live in happiness with whoever they wish.

I just want to say thank you to all those Australians who voted yes, because you are the people who are taking steps in the right direction to making our country a better, more diverse place. I also want to say thank you to all those people in other countries who have been congratulating us on our win, because trust me, it is appreciated. Scrolling through all the tweets and Instagram posts from celebrities and friends of mine who live overseas has been truly heartwarming.

If you want to know more about the Australian gay marriage vote then you can click here. By the way, my state had the highest yes vote out of all the states, and I’m extremely proud of the community I live in at the moment.

So yeah, thanks Australia. May we all live with happiness and love in our hearts.

Image result for australia vote yes

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The End Of Sidekick Jags

Sometimes I feel so insignificant and worthless to those around me, like I’m the character in a tv show who comes in every few episodes and says a few vaguely important lines and disappears into the background again. Everyone else is the main character and I’m the boring sidekick. 

What sparked this sudden spurt of anger and hurt you may be asking? Well, let me tell you the story. 

My best friend Ash went on a three week cruise to Hawaii and back to Australia a few weeks ago. For those three weeks I was left with basically no one to feel supported by and I was forced way way way out of my comfort zone. For those who’ve had experiences with anxiety before, being pushed out of your comfort zone is about the worst thing possible. I had to make new friends in half of my classes, I had to work by myself in group projects when everyone else had a partner and half the time I was too scared of asking people if I could sit with them in class so I just sat by myself. And worst of all, I didn’t have my companion that I could go to assemblies to and meetings with and sit together. So most of the time I had to sit by myself. And whenever I have to do anything like that where I have to be by myself, I always feel like people are laughing and staring at me and talking about how much of a loner I am. Of course most of the time this isn’t true but the thoughts always go through my head nonetheless. This one time I was going to a year 9 assembly and as I was approaching the room where it was being held (by myself) I scanned the room and couldn’t see any of my friends and I had a moment where my heart started beating incredibly fast and I felt really dizzy and faint and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. So I just sat down at the back of the room by myself and tried to calm myself down and make my breathing normal again. Obviously none of this is Ash’s fault but I had to deal with so much shit while she was away with absolutely no support from anyone and then she comes back I feel like she doesn’t even give a crap. I made so many new friends and I actually started to feel a lot more confident with myself and with talking to other people but as soon as she came back it was like all of my new found confidence went down the drain. 

Okay maybe I should start putting a bit of this into some context. 

I began getting really close to a girl called P. I only met her this year but we instantly clicked and became really good friends. Ash is also friends with her, but while she was away P and I got a lot closer and she kind of became my replacement for Ash. And when Ash came back, P continued sitting with us and I felt like we could all became really good friends as a trio. So I suggested to Ash that we ask if P wanted to come to Ed Sheeran with us because we had an extra ticket.  It Ash straight away started making up excuses like ‘Oh it would be so awkward though’ which she says all the time and I don’t understand. She says it literally about her best friends and I’m like what the hell how do you think everything is awkward. And then she said ‘and P creeps me out a bit sometimes too’ and I asked her how and she said ‘she keeps touching my arm and my shoulder and stuff’. I honestly don’t understand Ash sometimes. Friends don’t usually have a ‘no touching’ rule. Touching each other’s arm or shoulders is not a weird thing to do. I just don’t get it. So then I said to her ‘well I won’t invite her unless you actually want her to come’ which is true because I feel like I always have to please everyone (even though no one does that for me) and then Ash said ‘yeah I just think it would be weird’. P has become one of my closest friends and I thought we could all have a really good time together in Sydney as close friends but obviously that’s not going to happen, because apparently I’m staring on The Ash Show and I’m barely even in the storyline. 

Another thing that’s pissed me off is that I started sitting with a bigger group of people at lunch times when she was away and I became really good friends with all of them. They’re all really nice and we all have the same sense of humour and honestly lunch times were 100 times better than they were with Ash. But when she came back we continued sitting with them and she looked like she was getting along well with everyone and I was really happy but then after one lunch time she said to me ‘I don’t really like sitting with them’ and boom I was back on The Ash Show. I think I said something like ‘oh really? Don’t you think it’s so much better though? It’s a lot more fun’ and she said ‘I just feel like it’s better with our old group’. Me being me, I tried to keep the peace and make everyone happy so I said ‘well obviously I don’t want you to be unhappy if we’re sitting with them and I won’t force you to but I really enjoyed sitting with them while you were away’ and then she said something like ‘well maybe we can sit with them sometimes’ and then changed the subject. That was it. I wasn’t allowed to sit with them anymore. I sat there in silence thinking about it for most of lunch and eventually I came to the conclusion that I’m sick of being pushed around like that anymore. I never think about myself and want makes me happy, instead I’m always thinking of what other people want. So no, I’m not going to stop sitting and being friends with people who make my life so much better and who distract me from all the negative things that happen. 

I don’t want to be the sidekick in the show anymore. I want to be front and centre, next to all my mates without anything holding us back. 

Opening Up About Anxiety and Depression

Over the last few weeks I’ve met so many people who have been so open about their mental health issues and their confidence and braveness has really inspired me. It’s reminded me that literally anyone could have a mental health issue that you don’t know about, and just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

A few days ago I was walking to volleyball with one of my friends like we do every Tuesday afternoon but this time there was another girl walking with us who I’m kind of friend with. As we were walking I think we were just talking about our lives and what was going on at the moment and this girl suddenly started talking about her anxiety problems. She said that she’d been having some trouble at home after her sister moved to England and she felt like she had no support, so she started having anxiety attacks and had to see a counsellor. Honestly, for a solid minute I was so shocked that I barely said anything, but looking back I wish I’d come forward and told her about my anxiety. I identified so much with what she was saying but I was just so amazed that this girl I’d been friends with for almost 3 years had been suffering from the exact same thing that I was. And I admire her so much for just being for brave and confident with sharing such a vulnerable part of herself which is something that I haven’t come to the point of being able to do yet.

Only a few days later, earlier today in fact, I was on a short hike for a program called Duke of Edinburgh (I joined this in that period when I wasn’t blogging at all so if you’re curious here’s a link: http://www.dukeofed.com.au/) and there was this boy in our group who’s a year older than us but was super nice, and as we were walking we were going around the group saying fun facts about ourselves and when it got to him he said that he’d overcome depression last year. It was so out of the blue and confident that again, I didn’t know what to say, and obviously I wasn’t going to confide in a complete stranger about my anxiety, but again, it really pushed me to think more about how maybe one day I will be able to talk to people about how I overcame anxiety and was able to do everyday things with no anxiousness whatsoever.

One more thing before I end this blog post, if you’re really struggling with any mental health issues at the moment, I highly recommend you give a listen to Dodie Clark’s song Secret For the Mad from her EP You. When I first listened to it, I burst into tears because it made me feel so much less alone and that other people do know what it’s like to go through what you’re going through. Dodie has suffered from anxiety and depression as well so she does really know what it’s like and she hasn’t just pulled this song out of her ass. After you listen to the song a few times (it was on repeat on my phone for quite a few days) I recommed that you go google the lyrics and just read them for a while and let them sink in, because trust me, they do really really help.

Ok, that’s all for now.

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A New Kind Of Depression

I’m isolating myself. I’m aware that I am. And I know that I should stop but I don’t want to and I don’t think I can.

I’ve felt depressed before, but never like this. It used to feel almost…comical before, it didn’t feel too serious most of the time and I could deal with it. But this time…I don’t know. It’s just different.

And I was doing so well too. I was making new friends, getting out there and doing things that I never used to be able to do. But then suddenly, after one little spurt of anxiety that I posted about a few days ago, I was plunged into this terrible sink hole of depression.

For example, I’m sitting in the bath writing this right now because I had sudden urge to get this all down, and as I stepped into the bath I instantly began imagining ways that I could drown myself. That’s never happened before. I’ve never done something so casual and boring and began to turn it into some horrific death scene.

Now, I’m not suicidal. I know I’m not. I can always tell when I’m suicidal and this is not one of those times. I just feel…empty. And numb. And when I’m in these states I start to think about things like self harm and suicide. I had to stop myself a few minutes ago as I had an urge to cut myself and began rifling around in the bathroom cabinet for scissors. I found some, and as I ran my finger along the blade I came to my senses and shoved them back in the cabinet, slamming it closed.

I just keep thinking that life is so pointless and tedious, why should I even try? I’ve had multiple friends ask me to go to the movies or go out and do something with them, and every time I’ve made up excuses about why I can’t go. I don’t want to see anyone or do anything. All I’ve been doing is lying on the couch eating junk food, which I know may sound like heaven to some people, and to me it usually does too, but doing it in a depressed manner is not fun. I just lie there and think about how depressed and empty I feel, and by doing that, I’m starting to feel more and more of those two things.

But I don’t even want to try to do anything about it like I used to. In some ways, I’m content with just being alone and drowning in my own misery. But I know that I’m going to have to come out of it sometime soon, when I go back to school and when mum comes home, at least partially. I’ll have to start faking smiles and cracking jokes again. And honestly, I don’t know how I’m going to cope with that when the time comes. I actually don’t know if I can go back to school. It’ll either send me over the edge and make me snap, or it will help to get me back on the right track again, it will fill my time and help me organise myself.

Either way, I’ll guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

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