“It’s Not A Big Deal”

I had the first run in with my anxiety that I’ve had in quite a while today and I really just felt like writing about it, despite my repeated desertion of this blog.

So one of my friends, I’ll just call her P, whom I only met at the beginning of this year, asked me to go to the movies with her and this guy, J, and his friend. At first I was like ‘yeah! This sounds fun!’ but then, as I always do, I began to think. And think. And think. And think and think and think until I couldn’t think anymore. My head was pounding, filled with thoughts of ‘they’ll all hate me’, ‘they’ll think I’m weird’, ‘it’s going to be so awkward’ until my ears started to ring and I felt like I’d swallowed a stone. So I texted Ash, my best friend, and asked her to come with me. At first she said yes and I was feeling much more confident knowing that I would have someone there who could support me, but then we had to change the day on which we were going to the movies and Ash informed me that she would no longer be able to go.

And so started the downward spiral.

I started to panic (to be honest, I still am), thinking that I couldn’t do this by myself, that I was going to have a panic attack, that everyone would think I was crazy. So I started to message Penny, one of my close internet friends who I tell practically everything, spamming her with messages about what was happening and how I was panicking terribly. But then I stopped myself on about the 20th message and began to message Ash instead who I thought might be able to help me in a different way. So I started to confide in her, telling her that I was feeling really anxious about going without her and I didn’t know if I could do it. After an agonising 30 seconds she responded saying something negative about P, instead of trying to calm me down or help me out, which I was kind of expecting. But I brushed it off and continued the conversation, asking her if there was anyway she could come. So we continued to talk about the possibility of some different days that we could go, and she was quite helpful sometimes, saying that if I started to feel really anxious we could catch a bus to her house, but then, for no apparent reason, I started to panic again. I messaged her saying something like ‘One minute I want to go and the next I feel like vomiting from nerves. I don’t think I can do this’. Keep in mind that I really struggle with opening up to people about my anxiety so I was trying really hard to be open with her. But her response was probably the worse thing that she could have possibly said to me in that moment.

‘It’s not a big deal’.

I dropped my phone on my bed in shock and disbelief. I started to get the shakes, my head pounding again and my ears ringing. Falling onto my bed, I curled up into a ball, tears in my eyes as those words bounced around in my head until I couldn’t stand it anymore and wanted to claw my eyes out. Not a big deal.

To say that my anxiety is not a big deal is like saying that cancer isn’t that bad. You’ll get over it. And sure, maybe I will get over my anxiety, but saying that to me just made me panic even more. My heart is still racing at 500 miles an hour and tears still keep forming in my eyes. And I don’t want to be that girl who’s all like ‘no one understands me, I’m so alone’, but truly, I don’t think a lot of people understand what it’s like to be afraid to go the movies. The bloody movies. Or the supermarket. Or to see your nan. Or to get on the bus. It’s these stupid everyday things that are always the end of me, and everyone thinks I’m crazy for obsessing over situations like these but they really don’t get it. I’m afraid of going to the movies just like people are afraid to go to a haunted house. Every single time I go somewhere is like stepping into a haunted house. Anything could jump out at me and send me into that hurricane of panic and dark thoughts.

I’m still having trouble even looking at my phone. I keep going to pick it up, then jumping away from it like it’s 1000 degrees. Every time it vibrates I inch away from it a little more because I don’t even want to know what else she sent me. And I know it’s not her fault that she (yes, I am going to use this tainted word) triggered me, but if there was one sentence that would have convinced me to go to the movies, ‘It’s not a big deal’ was the complete opposite of that.

All I want to do is curl up in a ball on my couch with a book and my laptop and sit there until I’m forced to go to school again. I don’t want to have to see anyone or do anything. I’m done trying to confide in people, because it seems that every time I try, nothing good comes out of it. In fact, most of the time, something terrible comes out of it. So I’m done trying. I’m probably going to log out of all my social media for the rest of the winter holidays so I can try to relax even in the slightest.

Anyway, sorry for being a drama queen but that’s how my day went today. I’ll actually put a little bit of effort in this time to keep uploading here and document my somewhat interesting life.

Have a great day everyone.

Oh and for all the 18+ Aussies out there:

VOTE YES!

 

My Weight Gain and Being Sick

Today I wanted to give you a bit of an update about how my life is going right now.

So I know that I’ve talked to you guys about weight loss and eating disorders before, and I haven’t been bad with eating disorders lately, but I have gained a butt load of weight.

I used to weigh 55 kilos (around 120 pounds? I don’t know, I’m trusting Google on this) which is a good weight for a girl who’s 5’4. This was around maybe April to September 2016. Then it got to the summer and I began slacking off with my exercise cause it was super hot and I gained 5 kilos so I was 60 kilos (132 pounds). That’s still an average weight for a girl my height. But then it reached Christmas…and holy shit I went fucking mental. I think I must’ve eaten a bit of chocolate everyday because I started gaining weight so fast. And I didn’t do any exercise because I was on holidays and I was being lazy. So…I gained another 5 kilos. So now I’m 65 kilos (143 pounds) which, according to this chart, is only JUST average weight for my height.

So I went from being almost underweight to almost overweight. Jesus fucking Christ.

I’m still 65 kilos now and I haven’t really done much exercise or eaten particularly healthy recently (lol my “dieting” plan worked really well, I’ll give you an update on that soon) and I think that unless I eat Maccas every single day for a few weeks (which I highly doubt would happen cause tbh Maccas is rank), I’ll probably stay this weight until I can be fucked to lose it all again.

I’ve been quite motivated to exercise this week but unfortunately I haven’t been able to exercise because I’m sick. WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN IN THE ONE WEEK THAT I’VE WANTED TO EXERCISE AHHHHHHH.

So a few months ago I kept getting these random moments during the day where I would feel really lightheaded and it was there for quite a while but then it went away for a bit. And then last week I kept getting this really sharp pains in my stomach and I felt super sick so I had to stay home for half the week.

And then I was having some really bad acne problems so we went to a GP to talk to them about that and then my mum told her about my stomach pains and dizziness and the doctor told us to get some blood tests. And I thought I had gotten better and we were just gonna get the blood tests for precaution, but then yesterday I started getting really dizzy. At one point we were in science, and the science labs have these higher chairs so you can sit at the big tables and when I was sitting there, I got this big wave of dizziness and I thought I was falling off my chair cause that’s what it felt like so I grabbed the table and the whole room was spinning and Ash was like um what the hell are you okay mate? And so after that my mum came to pick me up from school and we went to get the blood tests done. So now I’m staying home again until I feel better. Ugh.

Yeah the past few weeks haven’t been all that fun.

All I’ve been able to do is just sit on the couch and watch TV and I’m honestly sick of it ugh I want to go outside and run and be normal again. I’m really hoping that the blood tests don’t say that I’ve got some sort of disease cause I hate having to sit at home all the time.

Anyway yep life’s super fun right now. I’m planning on writing some of a story to show you guys today, but I still need to figure all the details out so watch out for that. Oh my god I have so many posts that I’m late on showing you guys like the reading list, the weight loss update, ahhhhh I’m sorryyyyyyyy.

Okay I’ll stop apoligising now and actually go write them.

Bye my loves.

Reading: One Plus One

Page: 38

Thoughts: Family drama ahhh fun

A Message To You, Me And Everyone Else

You know what I realised today? I realised that I don’t have to hide scars, inside and out, just because I’m afraid of what people will think. 

I was looking at the scars (and yes, don’t worry they ARE scars) on my wrist today and thinking about how everyday I’m in fear of people looking at them, people asking about them, people knowing that I’ve got shit going on. And then I realised that I shouldn’t have to be scared about this. Because the scars on my wrists are not scars that I should be embarrassed about. They’re scars I should be proud of. Because they show that I got through something and I survived something, because I haven’t self harmed in months. I can’t even remember the last time I properly self harmed. And I’m proud of that. So why should I have to hide my achievements just because I’m afraid someone’s going to think I’m fucked up and just another one of ‘those girls’. 

So from now on, fuck that. I’m not going to hide my scars anymore. And if people stare and ask questions, I’ll tell them. These are my scars. These are my memories. These are marks that I can never get rid of but also marks I never want to forget. Because these marks remind me that I’ve survived and that I’m still here, walking on this earth. And to me, that seems like a pretty big achievement. So fuck anyone who thinks that I should hide them with makeup and bracelets and jumpers. It’s my body, and if you’ve got a problem with it, keep it to yourself. 

And there are scars all over me that people can’t see. Scars on my legs, in my heart, on my brain. More scars that are permanent. And even though you can’t see those scars, I don’t want to have to hide them either. Because not all of them are scars. They’re fresh wounds. They’re sliced into my mind and my soul that I’m trying to desperately heal and I don’t need other people trying to bring me down for the small list of things that I’ve achieved. 

1. Staying alive

2. Not harming myself

And that goes out to anyone else out there embarrassed about scars, whether they be inside or outside. Because you don’t deserve to live in fear for something good that you’ve done. So embrace yourself, love yourself, and fuck anyone who says otherwise. 

I’m Going Crazy

I don’t want to go to school tomorrow. I just feel so unmotivated right now and life just feels so fucking pointless. I honestly just want to stay in bed and do nothing for as long as possible. I don’t want to interact with anyone. I don’t want to be around people who make me nervous and who I’m unsure about. I’m scared of their judgement and their thoughts and it drives me insane. Every second of school is spent with me thinking ‘what if they think my Pe shorts are too short and my thighs are too big. What if they think I’m annoying. What if they think I have no friends.’ And I try to convince myself that I doesn’t matter but I can’t get it out of my head. I’m just so angry. I want to punch something right now and I want to cry and scream and never have to get up again. 

Recently I’ve just been feeling so hopeless and I don’t know what to do with myself. School seems so pointless, life seems so pointless, everything just seems pointless. I feel like I’m stuck in a busy street with everyone moving around me as they go about their lives while I’m standing there alone and screaming and nobody even bats an eye. 

Sorry for being so morbid but I just can’t hold it in cause if I do I might go over the edge. I can feel it happening and when it does I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m going insane inside my own head and it’s making me fucking crazy. And when I do go over the edge I don’t know if I’ll be able to get back up again. 

I feel at any moment I might just burst out in tears and off myself. I feel like nobody really cares. I feel like I need to get out here. 

Reading: Ten Thousand Skies Above You

Page: 296

Thoughts: Damn this got real dramatic 

One Of The Worst Days Of My Life

WARNING: I use a lot of swear words in the post and if you get triggered by reading stuff about suicide, self harm and eating disorders then stop reading this now. This past week was good. It was so fun and I actually enjoyed school and I felt happy. But at the same time it was the worst week I’ve had in a long time. 

So all week I’ve been feeling so self conscious about my body. All I can think about myself is fat, ugly, stupid and today I was just done with it. 

So I starved myself. I haven’t eaten a thing all day. Well, I have but as soon as I ate it, I went and vomited it straight back up. 

I’m just sick of feeling fat and I feel like the only way out that is quick enough for me is starving myself. I just don’t want to have to deal with food and my body anymore. 

And to be honest, not eating makes me feel good. It makes me feel skinny and happy and healthy, even though I’m aware it’s not. 

Just to add the cherry on top, I also went and fucked myself up by cutting myself. 

Fucking hell i’m so messed and i’m just done with it honestly. There’s so many kids out there who cut and are depressed and I’m sick of being another one of ‘those’ people as its described at school. 

I see those people looking at my wrist and turning to their friends to talk about me. I can tell that you’re watching me and everything I do. 

But for me, cutting isn’t for fucking attention. It’s because I’m depressed and I want to die and it’s a stress reliever so don’t fucking go off at me and other people for cutting themselves and seeking ‘attention’ because for a lot of people it’s actually because they don’t want to live anymore and they hate themselves. 

I’m about to go eat fucking dinner and I’m so scared because I know as soon as I eat one mouthful I’m going to feel fat and ugly again and I’m just going to want to go and throw up for the second time today. I can’t eat dinner no I seriously can’t. If I eat I’ll get fat again. And I can’t get fat. I can’t eat. Fuck fuck fuck fuck if I eat I’m actually going to fucking kill myself. I’m going to get so fat and people will talk about me and I just don’t want to eat. I can’t fucking eat!!!!

Nobody should care about me I’m such a burden and a fucktard and ughhhhh why do people have to care. It would be so much easier if no one cared about me and no would ask questions about my cuts and why I’m not eating. I just want to be alone and skinny and dead. I just want to fucking die. Someone kill me before this gets any worse. 

Edit: just read this over and I’m sorry guys. I’m so sorry for swearing so much and being such a bitch. Today was one of the worst days I’ve had. And right now all I want to do is cry but I don’t even have the emotion to do that. 

My brain is telling me not to put this up on my blog because it’s too rude and it’s angry and not the impression that I usually give on my blog. 

But I want people to know that this is the bad version of me. This is the version that hates the world and wants to kill herself. And as I always promised to be honest and true to you guys, I’m going to show that side of me in this post. 

I’m sorry if you took offence to this. I’m sorry if you were triggered. But this is the way I am inside my brain and this is what I listen to all day long. 

Thank you for being there for me, even though I don’t deserve it. 

Let’s hope tomorrow is a better day. Because I guess all I can do is keep up moving forward. There’s no point in loitering in the past. Because the past is the past and there’s no going back there. So I might as well forget about it and focus on the future. 

Even though the past isn’t something you can control, the future is. So make it worthwhile. 

Jags xxx

An Experience With Suicide

Okay I’m pissed. I’m pissed at Kay. I’m pissed at the world. I’m pissed at humanity. 

So there’s a chick in my year who’s…a bit reckless. She smokes, drinks, take drugs, only at the age of 15. I don’t know her very well, I’ve merely said hello in the hallway and I follow her on Instagram and snapchat. 

But today she’s been posting things on her snapchat story that really scared me. First was a picture of a police station. Then another picture saying ‘today’s the day’. Another showing a load of matches, pills and cigarettes. Then one showing her saying ‘last chance to see everything about me’ then showing her Instagram after it. After going over her story quite a few times I realised she meant that today’s the day she kills herself. Today’s the day she commits suicide. 

Of course I panicked and started messaging ash but she wasn’t checking her snapchat so I texted our group chat with ash and Kay and said something like ‘guys I don’t know what to do help me please’. 

Kay: what’s happened?

Me: have you seen (suicidal girls name)’s snapchat story?

Kay: yes

Me: We’re witnesses and I’ve heard countless stories where piers who knew what were gonna happen did nothing and I don’t wanna be one of those people. Do we message her and ask if she’s okay or call 000 or tell someone’s parents?

Kay: Jags there’s nothing we can do. we aren’t close with (girls name) and we shouldn’t get involved. 

Me: Are you serious??? Just cause we aren’t close with her doesn’t mean we can’t save her life. You know her and if I was in a position where I was suicidal, even if I was determined to do it, deep down I would really really want someone, anyone, to step in and do something. 

Kay: jags seriously. Look I’m talking to her right now. 

Me: Really? Okay good. Is she k?

Kay: She told me she’s ok. Look honestly I know she has people there with her. She’s surrounded by people who love her and care about her. I’m sorta good friends with her so I told her that I’ll always be here to talk if she needs and she’s thankful for that. 

Me: ok good. Sorry for showing some compassion. 

Kay: I know you have good intentions. And I’m sorry if this sounds a lil cocky but I’m pretty sure I know (girls name) better then you. It’s ok. She has people who are there for her. 

WHAT THE FUCK. THIS POOR GIRL IS ABOUT TO KILL HERSELF AND YOUR SAYING WE SHOULDNT GET FUCKING INVOLVED? THIS IS A LIFE AT RISK NOT A BLOODY ENGLISH GRADE OR SOME SHIT. JESUS CHRIST WHERE IS YOUR HUMANITY. 

So at this point I was pissed out of my mind and so I didn’t respond to the last text Kay sent, just to get my point across that I was pissed. 

I’ll admit, Kay does know this girl better than I do. They had some classes together last year and they were pretty good friends. So I completely understood that she knew her better but that doesn’t mean I can’t care about her. I care about everyone in our grade, everyone in our school, and I would never ever standby and let someone die without doing a thing. Going off of Kay’s story, I’m hoping that she’s okay right now and isn’t doing anything she’ll regret. 

3 HOURS LATER

Okay so on this girls Instagram she’s linked to another account where she’s posted loads of personal stuff about her life for everyone to read. It’s meant to be a kind of ‘this is why I did it and fuck you’ to the people who drove her to do this. I’ve been reading over it again and again for about 2 hours just crying and crying and crying. 

Now, think back earlier to when I said I don’t know her that well. And if I don’t know her that well, then why am I crying so much?

Well the answer to that question is because I relate to her. 

I relate to her so much it’s fucking crazy. 

On one of the posts it’s a picture of her in a bikini and the caption saying something about how she hates her face and her body and I just though, me too. 

Then another with scars from her cutting and I looked my own arm and thought, me too. 

Then she talked about her anxiety and depression and temptation for suicide and I thought, me too. 

We have the same fucking life. We are the same fucking people. We have the same fucking problems. 

It could just as easily have been me in her position. 

And that’s why I’m crying. 

That girl about to overdose, or perhaps has already done it, could’ve been me. And not just like, ‘oh maybe that could’ve been me’, I mean like I could’ve done that just now and I’d be gone before anyone knew what to do. 

And it makes me sad because she is one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen and I know she deserves to live and have a life and be happy because she’s been through so much when I don’t deserve that. I’ve been through barely anything at all. Out of the two of us, she’s the one who should live. 

I want her to live. 

I need her to live. 

God, please let her live. 

2 DAYS LATER

Holy shit this is one of the happiest days I’ve ever had. 

So for 2 days I have been sitting in anticipation, tearing up every time I thought of her, imagining the ceremony at school to announce this girls suicide. I’ve been checking Instagram and Snapchat repeatedly, looking for any signs that she’s alive. 

My mum, sister and I just got back from the movies and dinner and I went on my snapchat to check my stories and saw one from this girl. I instantly clicked it and screamed in joy, tears streaming down my face as I read the message from this girl. It was a picture of her arm, obviously in hospital, and her saying ‘ahaha already giving me shit for not dying??’. Obviously, that’s quite morbid but then I checked her Instagram and saw that she had posted something. It read something along the lines of ‘I made sure I could get discharged for the first day of school’ (we go back on the 31st ew, by the way I’m writing this before we’ve gone back so by the time this is posted I probably will have written a post about the first day and some other shit) ‘and as soon as I turned my phone on I was getting messages saying that I should have died. Thanks everyone for everything though. Wish I didn’t get sent to hospital though’. I’m so happy that she’s okay and if we have any classes together I’m going to try and make her feel welcome and smile at her whenever I see her. 

I’ll be keeping everyone in a position involving suicide in mind and in my prayers for a while because I’ve now experienced first hand what it’s like to be involved in something like that. 

There is always another way. There will always be someone there for you, even if they’re a complete stranger. If you’re even considering suicide, please know that there is another option. There’s always another option. And I will always be open to talk about anything, even if it just be to talk about your day. I love you all and I hope you are all doing well. 

Stay strong my little ones. 

Jags xxxx

The Rude Chick At The Restaurant

My mother, sister and I had a little outing the other night where we went to see the sequel to Red Dog. It was a good movie and afterwards we went to a dumpling restaurant. It was super busy and so the only spare table was right at the very back in the corner. We thought, well we waited for this table so we might as well stay and eat some food. So we sat down and all was well until the nice couple next to us left and three people were led to the now empty table. The minute I saw them I knew I was in for a treat. One of them was small and petite with crappy dyed red hair and a caked face of makeup. The second had an extremely high ponytail, was slightly overweight and smelled incredibly of b.o. And lastly there was, I’m not even sure if this was a guy or a girl, the one with the three lip piercings, the two nose rings, the eyebrow rings, the bleached blonde pink tips hair, backwards cap, freckly one. Basically, they were bogans. 

Surprisingly, the pierced pink haired one wasn’t the most annoying of them all. No, no, the most frustrating was the bad makeup girl. We’ll call her Cake Face. 

The minute she sat down, she was rude to the waiter. Cake Face didn’t even say thank you when she showed them to her table. The three of them picked up their menus and instantly knew what they wanted. Most people take 5 or 10 minutes to pick out what they want to eat and the waiters offer that time but oh no, the minute they sat down they expected to be waited on. Obviously the waiters didn’t come instantly and so Cake Face sighed and began waving around and clicking her fingers at waiters. As they should have, they ignored her and continued with their work. She sighed and complained to her friends about such bad service, when she had only been there for 2 minutes. Eventually she gave up the clicking and actually got up and interrupted a poor girl who was cleaning up a table, exclaiming that they were ‘ready to order now’. I could see the waiter rolling her eyes in her mind but she just nodded and told her someone would come in a minute. I watched as the table cleaner told a waiter of their request and as she pointed at the table they both laughed at something she’d said and I secretly applauded them for making fun of these rude people. So they ordered and everything was fine for a while but then they started taking selfies. And a couple of selfies is okay but they were taking hundreds. And not only selfies, they were actually getting up from their chairs to take photos of each other and standing in the middle of the walkway as waiters with plates and people going to the bathroom tried to get past. 

I kind of listened in on their conversation for a bit and heard Cake Face say that it was so nice to not have to be the waiter for once. I was astounded that this girl was a waiter. Based on how she treated other waiters and how she acted when anyone was even mildly dismissive to her, I doubted she would appreciate a customer treating her like she was treating this restaurants employees.

Finally their food arrived but they were still waiting on some dumplings. And Cake Face was so impatient that she couldn’t wait one minute for the waiter to come out with them and she just HAD to look around pointedly and wave for a waiter. She got another waiter who was obviously busy to go and get the dumplings. Their original waiter came back out with them and I could tell she was tempted to just throw them in Cake Face’s cakey face. She threw them down on the table and walked away before Cake Face could say a word. 

After we had eaten and they had eaten, I was quite interested in what Cakey had to say and I found myself staring at her for quite a while. I watched as she was rude to countless people, and yes I know staring is rude but it’s like watching the aftermath of a car crash – it’s horrid but difficult to turn away. Finally, after getting the out of her chair yet again to confront a waiter, she glanced at me and caught me staring at her. Now she could’ve just ignored this and continued on with her conversation but instead she sat down dramatically, sighed, propped her chin on her knuckles and said to her friend ‘you know what I hate? When people stare at you for no apparent reason’. I wanted to get out of my chair, slap her and yell into her face ‘NO APPARENT REASON? YOU’VE BEEN HARASSING WAITERS ALL NIGHT AND BEEN RUDE TO EVERYONE WHO’S COME INTO CONTACT WITH YOU. I THINK THATS A PRETTY APPARENT REASON’. Sadly I didn’t do that and just diverted my stare to a spot above her head so it looked like I was looking at the specials board. Finally, these bloody bogans left and my family and I were left to complain about their rudeness and horrific b.o. 

But at least the food was good. 

Life lesson everyone; don’t be rude to people because there’s this little thing called karma. Google it. 

Jags xx

My Insecurities

Insecurities suck. Everyone has them. But everyone’s are different. Let me tell you a few of mine. 
– My ribs

Yes, my ribs. You may be thinking, ‘But Jags, what is there to hate about ribs?’ Well you just sit your pretty little butt down and I’ll tell you. 

My ribs stick out. And I don’t mean they stick out just a little bit. They stick out a LOT. They stick out so much it almost looks like I’ve got a second pair of boobs. And it makes me look really weird when I wear bikinis. So yeah I hate that. 
– My boobs

We mentioned my little babies just a minute ago and I thought we’d come back to them. My boobs are really small. Like, I’m an A cup, and I can fit into a B if I really really want to. Literally only a couple of months ago I was getting excited because the area between my boobs was now elevated when I had a top on. You have no idea how good that felt. And all my friends have really big boobs. Like C cup and D cup. So a lot of the time I feel really self conscious around them. But they always say that they wish they had small boobs so I guess I’m lucky in a way. 
– My chin (or chins, depending on how the day’s going)

I can pull a mean double chin (who are we kidding it’s more like a quadruple chin) but one of my fears is that I will have a double chin unintentionally. Like I’ll be sitting on the bus and cute guys will walk on and then one will sit next to me and I’ll look down at my phone and open snapchat and then BAM. There it is. The big whopper. 
– My arms

My arms are soooo flabby. I could probably work out and then they’d be toned as fuck, but who has the time for that? I only noticed this a couple of days ago when I was taking pictures for my haul and try on post (which you should see soon). As you can see in a few pictures, I was hiding my arms behind my back because they just looked so big. Eventually I sucked it up and just posed but urgh it annoyed me. And you know when you lean on your arm when your sitting and the crack in your elbow bit kinda looks like a butt? Well I always get really insecure about the forearm bit where it smooshes on your elbow. It just looks so flabby and fat. I hate it. 
– My thighs

I’m not even going to go into this very much because this is literally every girl ever. But it just makes me feel so fat and flabby when I sit down and my thighs smoosh out and touch each other and jrienshcienUkwmawojfnshlqbehdhx sorry just vomited on the keyboard. 
And now my biggest insecurity of all…

– My stomach

OKAY OKAY I HERE YOU ALL SIGHING AND BE LIKING SHUT UP YOUR PROBABLY SUPER SKINNY AND PERFECT (and I’m not arguing 😉 )BUT SERIOUSLY MY STOMACH IS LIKE A MOUNTAIN RANGE. It’s so lumpy and big and bloated it just makes me wanna vomit. Probably every girl ever hates their stomach but it makes me feel so shit when I see girls on Instagram from my school with flat stomachs and toned bodies while I’m sitting there eating 5 snickers bars. Okay we delve too deep into my extremely depressing life there, let’s stop now. 

Trust me, I have a lot more insecurities than this but I won’t bore you with them today. Maybe next month I can bombard you with horrific imagery of my slightly gappy teeth or my out of control blackheads. 

Do you have any insecurities? If so, feel free to rant in the comments. 

Jags xx

4 Things That Happened in 15 Days

Let me recap a few things that have happened in the first two weeks of 2017.

1. My beauty battle scar 

This morning as I was curling my hair with a curling wand, I placed the wand down on the floor, where I was sat cross legged, to take out a hair tie. Without considering the burning hot beauty tool right at my leg, I shifted around a bit and placed my calf right on top of the curling wand. OUCH. Burn, sizzle, screech, there goes my beautiful soft skin. I now have a curling wand shaped burn going up my calf which is lovely. If anyone asks I’ll just tell them I was captured by pirates and they branded me. Believable, I know.

2. The wax incident

I can’t remember if I recounted this story to you guys, but last week I had a candle burning on a shelf that’s built into my desk. I was sitting at my desk on my laptop, about to go to bed. I brought the candle down off the shelf and blew it out but then as I was returning it to the shelf, it somehow slipped out of my hand and fell straight onto my laptop. It was a disaster. There was, and still is, candle wax all over my desk, some papers, the floor, a pencil case, and most importantly, my laptop. I spent the next week using toothpicks and wet wipes to dig out the endless batch of wax shoved into the keys of my laptop. The stiff ‘P’ and the stubborn ‘-‘ still haunt me to this day.

3. The not-so giant spider

A few nights ago as I was happily sitting in bed watching Gilmore Girls, a movement behind my bookshelf caught my eye. As I watched an odd shaped brown stick that was poking out from behind the bookshelf, suddenly a colossal monster of an arachnid came popping out after it. I actually screamed a blood curdling scream like they do in horror movies. This thing was HUGE. Like, the size of a grown man’s hand. I was having an actual panic attack while I stood on my bed in fear, trying to merge myself into the wall, as I waited for someone to come investigate my urgent cries of fear. Of course, my inconsiderate family ignored my screams and so I had to mentally prepare myself to sprint past the bookshelf and lunge myself out of the door and into the lounge room. Thankfully, I was successful and the spider did not jump out and eat my face. I ran up to my dad who was casually watching TV and told him of the monster in my room. He went up there and banged around for awhile, whilst I sat on the couch, trembling with tears in my eyes. Finally he came out with his tissue scrunched up in his fist and told me he’d got it. But when he put the tissue in the bin, I caught a glimpse of the slightly mangled spider inside. This was not the spider I had seen. This one was the size of my eye. I sent my dad back to my room to check again but he said there was nothing there. Perhaps it had been a trick of my imagination? But I was convinced he’d caught the wrong spider. I was forced to go back to bed and I spent the rest of the night in fear, awaiting a big hairy leg that would stroke my forehead, followed by a 20 kilo spider that would devour me in one swallow. That didn’t happen but I’m still slightly on edge as I sit at my desk, peering under my bed and in my bookshelf to make sure it hasn’t hidden somewhere. If I never post on here again, tell my parents it was the spider and it’s my dad’s fault.

4. Restaurant panic

This one’s a bit more serious. So I was down at my nans for a part of my holidays and on the last night of our stay, our whole family (all 20 of us) went out to dinner. We just went to a pub but bloody hell, it was crowded. We were cramped in at two tables in the corner where we had to sit on table corners and eat at the window sill. So yeah that was lovely. But to make matters worse, I’d been having horrible anxiety that whole day and wasn’t looking forward to that dinner. I also had a stomach bug and was feeling incredibly sick, but no matter how much I complained, I still had to go to this dinner. So we sat down and had drinks and I talked to my cousin and that was fine. And the food came out (I got fish and chips. Adventurous, I know) and everyone ate and it was actually pretty good. But then my stomach bug kicked in and I began feeling sick. I asked my mum if we could go soon and she was all like no no I have to finish my drink (which was a full glass of wine, I might add, which takes her about an hour to drink) so I sat there in misery on the verge of vomiting all over the table. I asked again if we could go but I was let down and pushed away again. This was when the anxiety came in. I began panicking and felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I was on the verge of tears and I could feel my chest feeling really compressed. So I got up and went to the bathroom. It was completely empty and so my mind took that as the opportunity to break down. I went into a stall and leaned against the door and had a bit of a panic attack. I cried and breathed like I had one lung until someone came in and I mustered up the strength to go back out, wipe the tears from my face and go back to staring out the window until my mother finished her drink. Eventually we left and I went into my bedroom to cry again but at least I got ice cream after the dinner. Alls well that ends well!

Look like 2017 is going to be the year for me! #prayforjags (I’m definitely going to get murdered)

Jags xx

16.12.16 | Quick Update

Hey guys!

Okay so just for today I’m taking a break from the whole Jags Is Coming To Town blogmas thing because I really really just need to talk like I used to. Before december I used to post things all the time with updates about my mental health, my body image, stuff like that, but while I’ve been doing Jags Is Coming To Town I have been so caught up in those posts that I’ve not wanted to break my routine. But I need to. I really really need to.

I’ll be honest and say that I haven’t been feeling good recently. Good about myself, my life, just everything.

I’m afraid of eating. I’m afraid of dating. I’m afraid of going out. I’m afraid of socialising. I’m afraid of the world and everything it has to offer.

I feel fat. No, I am fat. And I know what you’re thinking, ‘every girl thinks they’re fat even though they’re not’. And maybe some people don’t think I’m fat. But when I look in the mirror all I can see is fat. Oh look I’m getting a double chin. Oh look my thighs are too big. Oh look my butt is too big. Oh look my stomach is giant. These thoughts just crowding my thoughts when I merely pass a tiny reflection in a window.

I don’t necessarily think my face is too ugly, although damn my acne be out of control lately please kill me, but the fact that all I see is fat just makes it so much worse.

And my anxiety is just going through the roof. Every single time I have to do something, whether it be going to the supermarket with my mum or going to a concert with my friends, I over think and overreact and make everything so much more difficult than it needs to be. I always reach a point with my anxiety when I begin to regret and want to quit whatever it is I have to do. And so I start freaking out and having anxiety attacks and that’s when I feel worst about myself.

I just want it to stop. I need it to stop. Because if it goes on for any longer I don’t think I can do it anymore.

Depression hasn’t been great either. I constantly feel sad. And like I ruin everything. And that I’m disgusting and worthless and I don’t deserve any of this. So when I feel like that I cut. And every time I do it I think back to all my friends and think, what would they do if they found out? What would they do if I told them? And who am I disappointing by doing this?

And I contemplate and wonder if I should just get the help I so desperately want but then I remember what people say. I know of girls like me who’ve done self harm on their arms where it’s visible at school with our short sleeved dresses. I put my cuts in places where no one will ever see them so I don’t have that problem but other girls do. And when someone sees those cuts and scars they instantly report back to their friends and spread the word. I’ve experienced this first hand with a girl in our group. She saw someone in our grade with cuts and came back to us and told us. Then she went on and on about how attention seeking they were and how so many people cut and it doesn’t even matter and it’s so dumb. And all the while I’m sitting there thinking that that is what people would say about me if they knew.

So I can’t. I just can’t. But I want to and I need to. But I seriously just I can’t.

My mum always talks about how lucky our family is that we have basically no one with mental conditions or physical conditions and how could I break her heart and tell her that I’m messed up. That I have mental conditions. I just can’t do that to her and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.

Moving onto a subject not about me, I’ve been worried about Kay recently.

So the other day I went to a food festival thing and I brought along Ash and Kay. This is something that really annoys me about Kay, she is ALWAYS on her phone. Really, can you not turn off your phone and go off snapchat for merely a couple of hours and socialise with your two best friends? Whatever you think you’re missing out on will probably still be there later on and does it really matter that much if you miss a tiny thing on someone’s story that you won’t even remember the next day?

Anyway, she was talking to someone on snapchat and so I just asked who it was and she was like oh this guy I met online. First of all, HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING TO EVERY SINGLE YEAR GROUP ASSEMBLY WE’VE HAD OVER THE PAST 2 YEARS? Literally every term we have an assembly talking about not talking to random guys you met online and that they are probably either old creepy dudes or they’re going to want something from you (i.e nudes). So he sent her a message and we were just kind of crowding around her phone as she opened it because we wanted to see what he said and he was like:

Him: Hey baby

NOOOOOOOO. Ash and I screamed as we externally and internally cringed but Kay was like guys chill it’s not a big deal. Um, someone calling you baby when you’re not even dating is very weird and a very big deal. If someone did that I would be like wtf no.

Kay: Hey

Him: What are you up to 😉

THE WINKING FACE. THE FREAKING WINKING FACE.

Kay: Just out with some friends

Him: Oh that’s a shame

Him: Talk later? xxx

HE SENT HER X’S. AND THEY’RE NOT DATING. AND SHE BARELY KNOWS HIM. AND THEY’RE BARELY FRIENDS. You can obviously tell where he wants the conversation to go, but Kay just simply refused to believe it as Ash and I tried to convince her that it was creepy, weird, and super cringey. Then later another guy snapchatted her and we were like wow how many guys do you have? AND SHE HAD LEGIT LIKE 20 GUYS THAT SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW. She talks to all these guys and some of them even send her dick pics, yet she still doesn’t see how wrong it is.

Talking to guys you don’t know on the internet is not smart, safe, or funny. I’m seriously worried that she’s gonna end up sending nudes. I know that she wouldn’t want to do that but I know for certain, because she’s told me, that she’s been asked for them multiple times. And when you get asked for nudes and people really really push and say things like ‘I will never talk to you again if you don’t send them’ then sometimes people give in and end up sending them and I’m afraid that will happen to Kay. BUT SHE KEEPS TALKING TO THEM. If someone asked me for nudes I would not respond and instantly block them. But she keeps on talking to these creepy guys and I’m like, what’s wrong with you?! If she keeps acting like this and it gets worse I’m gonna talk to Ash and see if we could tell her how bad it is and try make her stop.

I’m going to stop there, but that’s my rant/life update post for today. I promise we’ll be back to the normal schedule tomorrow but I just needed today to talk about some things.

9 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!

Love always

Jags xxx