Friendship Is Hard

Hey guys!

Friendship is hard.You can’t please everyone and not everyone can please you. Some people make it harder than it has to be. But some are just perfect. They love and care for you. They trust you. They stand by you. They’re honest with you. They understand you. They would die for you. These are the friends that we must keep, without them we are incomplete. Because friendship is what makes us people. Friendship is what helps us strive through everyday. And we can never let go of those friendships. I know that they are complicated sometimes. And sometimes you just want to be alone. And sometimes you wish friendships didn’t exist. But they do, and you should never remove them from your life.

Love always

Jags xxx

A Confession

Hey guys!

So on the weekend Kay and Ash came over for a sleepover. We went on a walk and ended up getting into a very deep conversation. We were kind of just talking about like our life problems. I was just thinking the whole time ‘I should tell them about my parents. I should tell them.’

Finally, I was like ‘hey can we sit down here for a minute.’ and so we did. Once we were sat down I was trying to find a way to tell them. I was just thinking ‘I can’t do this. But I should. I’ll feel better later.’ (and I do). So finally I just came out with it and said in a kind of joking way ‘I think my parents like hate each other.’

Ash asked why.

And I told them everything. Stuff I haven’t even shared on this blog.

I told them how when my dad randomly left the house and went to the coast for a couple of days, I think my mum lied to me when she said he was testing his new car. How I thought they’d had a fight.

Then I told them about when he had come back from the coast. How he was screaming and yelling. How he was frantically cleaning the house 5 times over. How I think he has OCD/anxiety but won’t admit it. I said how mum was so upset she stayed in her room for 3 hours after screaming at him for an hour before hand. How when I brought a cup of tea to her room she looked tired and like she was fed up of everything.

I admitted I didn’t want them to divorce. But then I also think it might be for the better. But I don’t want two birthdays. Two Christmas’. Two Easters. Two bedrooms. I just want one of everything. All I need is one.

During this whole conversation I was balling my eyes out. I actually had to stop at one point because I was sobbing so much. I could barely create a word in my mind let alone my mouth. I didn’t realise how much stress and sadness I had been holding in until I released it all in one big wave. I never realised how much it affected me.

They tried to give advice. They said to talk to them alone and ask them about it. To recommend couples counselling and for my dad to go to the doctors. And I appreciate it.

But I really don’t want to do anything about it. I just want to let it be and let them work it out themselves. I think with the added pressure from me, it would just make it harder for them both and I want them just to be happy and for life to be easy for them.

So I’m going to stay quiet.

Even though it’s horrible to hear them scream every night. And look at other peoples parents as they hug and kiss and love each other. But I think it will just be easier to stay quiet.

Sometimes all we need is a little quiet.

Love always

Jags xxx

 

Asking About Self-Harm

Hey guys!

So this is something that happened quite a while ago but I’ve realised that I’m really annoyed about it. So, of course, I’m going to vent my anger through a blog post.

Okay so you may know that I went to a 5sos concert in Sydney at the start of October and I went with Kay, Ash and Ash’s mum. It was such a fun time and I really loved it but there was one thing that happened that really bugged me.

We were heading out to the concert so we were getting into the hotel elevator to go downstairs to the lobby. While we were in the elevator I had my arms sort of spread out on the railing and was leaning my back against it. Because of the position of my arms, my forearms were completely exposed because I was wearing a short sleeve t-shirt. On my forearm was three cuts that were about a week old (If you don’t get what I mean by cuts I mean like, self-harm). And Kay was standing opposite me so she could easily see them. Instead of keeping quiet or asking me later, she full on blurted out in the silent elevator…

‘You cutting, mate?’

Are. You. Serious.

Everyone turned to look at me, including Ash’s mum, so I quickly crossed my arms so the cuts were hidden. I was blushing and stuttering, switched onto panic mode, but I managed to get out…

‘No, I think its from the other day when I was outside and fell over.’

That was a complete lie, because, lets be honest, when do I EVER go outside? But anyway, everyone turned away except for Kay who raised her eyebrows at me as if saying ‘sure thing’ because she probably knew I was lying.

But actually. What the hell went through her mind for her to feel the need to call me out in a cramped area with someones MOTHER in the same room. You would actually have to be stuffed in the head to do that.

If you want to ask someone about their self-harm you do NOT ask them when there is other people around. And you do NOT ask them out of the blue. Be fucking considerate with your words because one mess up and you could make them feel like shit, just like Kay did to me.

She made me feel targeted and signaled out, like I was a freak and was different to everyone else. She made me feel more self-conscious than I already was. I spent the rest of the night consciously hiding the cuts with my hand or a jumper. And to think that I was actually contemplating going to her for help!

You may be asking yourself why I didn’t just hide the cuts in the first place.

Well,  when you live with cuts like that all over your body every day then its not really something you think about. It’s just like another limb. You don’t consciously think about your pinkie finger, it’s simply just there. So it never even went through my mind to hide the cuts under a band-aid or with makeup. But I can assure that I fucking think about it now because of what Kay said.

To make matters worse, later that night she did the same kind of thing again.

Us two were sharing a bedroom so we were getting changed and stuff but, again, I forgot about the cuts on my thighs. So I was taking off my shorts and putting on my pajama shorts while Kay was turned the other way but she turned around just as I was putting them on. She must’ve caught a glimpse of one or two of them so she asked…

‘Whats that from?’

Not as bad as the first time but I wasn’t going to spill my heart out to her in a fucking hotel room in Sydney. You want to talk deep? Ask if we can talk deep. Take me somewhere I’m comfortable and won’t be overhead then ask if you can ask about my self-harm. Don’t just bring it up randomly after a really fun night and ruin it all.

So I just told her..

‘It’s nothing, don’t worry. Just scratches.’

I wasn’t going to make up a full on story for it again after what she’d done TWICE now.

I basically just ignored her whenever she tried to bring it up because I was NOT happy with how she was doing it. I guess I could’ve told her to drop it and bring it up another time (or not) but she was being so fucking inconsiderate and pushy. Forcing me to tell you isn’t going to help in any way. It will probably make things worse.

URGH sorry just had to get that rant out.

If you know someone with self-harm cuts (not scars, CUTS, there’s a big difference) then don’t do what Kay did. If you want to ask them then follow my advise. Take them somewhere secluded where they are comfortable and there is no one else around. Ask them if you can ask them about the cuts. Say something like…

‘Would you mind if I asked about self-harm? If you don’t want to talk about it then I completely understand and that’s fine. But if you ever want to talk then I’m here for you’

Knowing someone is there for you is amazing, even if you never go to them for help, just having their presence really helps. And be understanding and careful. Don’t blab out the first thing that comes to your head. Don’t interrupt. Just listen to what they have to say and if they want you to talk, then you can talk. Assure them, be understanding, don’t pity them and feel sorry for them. They are just like everyone else in the world so don’t treat them like a dog with three legs.

Okay, rant done. Feelings out. Woo! Relaxation.

Love always

Jags xxx

 

How To Recover From School

Hey guys!

Tomorrow is my last day of term 3, hallelujah! Only one more term to go then I can go to the beach and attempt to get tanned…

Almost there!

But I’ve found that by the end of each term, I’m completely dead. Literally, all this week I’ve been insanely tired, had a headache, runny nose, cough and just felt utterly horrible.

So here are my tips to recover from the torturous exercise of school!

1. Buy an extra large jar of Nutella
2. Plan an outing with friends
3. Cancel the outing with friends
4. Watch 5 seasons of your favourite TV show on Netflix
5. Sleep in until 1 pm
6. Stay up until 3 am
7. Eat a block of Cadbury chocolate for lunch
8. Stare absently at the holiday homework you’ve been set
9. Ignore it
10. Bake a cake
11. Eat the cake
12. Avoid contact with sunlight for 2 weeks
13. Avoid contact with fresh air for 2 weeks
14. Avoid contact with nature for 2 weeks
15. Stare at your computer screen for 12 hours
16. Stare at your phone screen for another 5
17. Pick up a book and do some light reading
18. Then after 2 minutes go back to your computer
19. Paint your nails
20. Re-paint your nails

Hope they come in handy! And remember, holidays isn’t just about taking a break from school and catching up with friends…it’s about being fat and lazy for 2 weeks while your eyes start go blurry from looking at your computer for too long. Ah, the joys of holidays!

Love always

Jags xxx

Religion & My Beliefs

Hey guys!

Edit: If you’re sensitive about religion then perhaps don’t read this post.

There are some things that I have never talked about on this blog, one of them being religion.

So I go to a Catholic school, my mum’s side of the family is Catholic and I have been baptised and have done communion. But I haven’t always believed in the Bible, Jesus, God and all of those teachings.

As you can imagine, we have to do religious education (or as us bogans say it, RE) at our Catholic school and in RE there are some things that I’ve decided I don’t particularly agree with. Now, as this is a sensitive topic I won’t list what they are because I’m guessing there are Catholics out there reading this who could be offended in some way and if you are, I’m sorry but these are my beliefs.

I was a bit on and off with believing in God, at one point I just completely trashed the idea and thought no that’s not something I believe in but later on I realised that, yes, it is something to think about and process.

I don’t believe in every aspect to do with God (and I refuse to call God a him, I’ll explain later) and I’ve sort of warped my belief into something that fits my logic and lifestyle. Okay, I’ll take you through it.

God is not so much a controller of life but a hope giver. God gives me, or anyone else, someone to confide in in difficult times and someone who you can not expect to fix your problems but help you through them in your own way. I’ll give an example: say you have a friend who you believe is in a risky situation, for example taking drugs or something, and you feel you need to help them out but don’t know how.

By praying or asking for guidance from God, not to make your friend stop taking drugs but to give you guidance on how to help your friend. Sure, perhaps you will not hear a booming voice in your ear saying ‘just talk to her!’ but by telling someone your problems and asking for advice, you can have the comfort of feeling open and perhaps like someone understands your situation.

It doesn’t even need to be that serious of a situation, simply just your sister having surgery on her broken arm is a perfectly good reason to confide in someone.

Now for my explanation from earlier. I don’t call God ‘he’ or ‘her’ or ‘they’ or anything like that. Although I HAVE said ‘someone’ so my dear readers understand a bit more. But I believe that God may not be a ‘he’ or a ‘she’ or even a ‘someone’. Because no one actually knows. To us, God is an ‘it’. God is God. God is just whoever or whatever God is.

To me, when I pray, God is my confider and my listener. God is my advice giver and my comforter. God is not my helper nor my excuser. By telling something to God I am not simply free of the situation but by asking for God’s guidance I feel comfortable. Some of you might find that a bit weird but to me it makes sense and it’s what I believe.

Another thing, religion is not defined by practices like going to church with a proper priest or, in the case of Catholics, taking the Eucharist. Although this gives you a connection to Jesus, it’s not something I find necessary to be religious. I enjoy praying because it feels like talking to an old friend who knows everything about you and you have no fear of and you can tell anything to them. But I like to pray in a spot where I am comfortable and when I feel it is needed.

For example; my bedroom, in a quiet outdoors area or somewhere like a small chapel (not like the giant masses we have at school on Easter and at other events). I also only pray when I have something to talk to God about. I don’t do things like Grace before eating or the formal prayers that we do in the mornings in PC. Mine are more stories or asking to watch over a loved one if you know what I mean.

My last point that I’ll list today is that I think about religion quite historically. Like, I believe in evolution. I believe that Jesus was just a normal guy who did some cool shit but probably didn’t die on the cross like everyone said and come back to life. I believe that St Paul and St Joseph did some amazing and heroic things but their stories were altered to fit the mold of the bible. I believe that the bible is like one of those ‘based on a true story’ movies, I believe that it’s a collection of stories that have been changed to be more dramatic and metaphorical than they really were at the time. Perhaps there was a good Samaritan and he really did help a poor man who had been left to die but perhaps his intentions were just of kindness and loyalty and not led by Jesus or any kind of religion.

Okay, I think I’ve talked enough about this now. I hope you kind of get my point though.

Believing in SOMETHING is important. Whether it be a God who watches over you, a deceased loved one, Buddha or the Greek God of freaking wine! Praise that mother fucker like you never have before and be thankful for the opportunities of belief that you have because there may have been a time once when people had nothing.

So take what you have and be happy with it.

Whoah. That was some super meaningful shit.

Love always

Jags xxx

 

My Skincare Routine!

Hey guys!

So this post is a bit more beauty/lifestyle but I think I would like to do some more of these because I enjoy reading them myself.

Anyways, today I’m going to be going over my skincare routine from morning to night.

So first off when I wake up in the morning and have a shower I use the Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser. Hence the name, it’s really easy on your skin and doesn’t dry it out so much that it feels tight and sort of rubbery I guess. I do one pump of the bottle into my hand and massage it into my skin, then I rinse it off with warm water under the shower. If you have sensitive skin then this is a really good one to use, although mine isn’t very sensitive, my mum accidentally bought this one so I’ve been using ever since and I actually really like it. Also, the liquid kind of reminds me of the unicorn blood in the first Harry Potter movie.

I used to use the Cetaphil Oily Skin Cleanser because I have really oily skin and I hate it soo much. My nose and my chin, around the area under my lip, get really oily during the day and when I used the Oily Skin Cleanser it reduced it so much. When my Gentle Skin Cleanser runs out I’ll probably swap back to this and remove some of my oily layers. Urgh, that was a really gross sentence.

After my shower, I dry my face with a clean face cloth. I usually use that face cloth for a 5 days or less then I get a new one. This makes sure no germs or dirt from hands or bodies gets into your pores and forms pimples or blackheads.

Then I spray my skin with the Clear Start Breakout Clearing All Over Toner. I just spray this all around my face and let it soak in. This has helped my skin SO much. I’ve seen such a difference in literally just a week or two. I get hardly any pimples any more and I’ve just gotten my first breakout in the last like 2 weeks. It makes my skin so clear and glowing and a lot of my spot marks have gone down a bit as well. This is probably my number 1 recommendation for anyone struggling with skincare.

Next, once the toner has dried and it’s starting to feel tight, I use the Clear Start Breakout Clearing Daytime Treatment. This doesn’t make my skin oily like other creams so I just squeeze some onto my finger and apply to areas with spots, blackheads or just anywhere I think pimples could be developing.

I then go over this with the Clear Start Oil Clearing Matte Moisturizer. Again, this doesn’t make my skin oily but it still softens my skin really well.

That’s all for my morning skincare routine. Now onto my nighttime one.

When I get home I wash my face with the Clear Start Breakout Clearing Foaming Wash. I just massage some of this onto my face then rinse it off with water, drying my face with a face cloth. This really dries out my skin but it’s super good for me because my skin is so oily by the end of the day. It completely strips away all the oil and clears your pores. I then use the Clear Start Breakout Clearing All Over Toner again.

After the toner is soaked in, I use the Clear Start Breakout Clearing Overnight Treatment. This is much more oily but it’s okay because I’m at home and I don’t really care. I just spread this all over my face basically but specifically on spots and blackheads.

Lastly, I go moisturize my face with the Cetaphil Moisturizing Lotion. This is REALLY oily so I put it on basically straight before bed but you have to leave enough time for it to soak in.

And so the cycle repeats!

Now that I’m writing this down, my routine seems so long it’s really weird. But I hope you enjoyed anyway and got some good recommendations and advice out of it.

Have a lovely day!

Love always

Jags xxx

How To Have A Great Study Space

Hey guys!

I’ve just gotten back into my third term at school and I’m aware that Americans (perhaps the English too? I don’t know) are going back to school soon as well so I thought I would share with you how to get a great study space.

I don’t even know why I’m making this, my study space isn’t exactly glam.

Okay, so.

Step 1 – Find a place to study

This may seem like any easy task but once you look at it in perspective, there are so many places to study!

Let me list a few:

-Next to the fridge (got to satisfy those study cravings!)

-In the bath (you have to get comfortable)

-Underneath your bed (who needs sunlight, am I right?)

Now that I’ve given you some very practical and creative ideas, go out young grasshopper and seek your new study spot!

Step 2 – What are you studying?

This step isn’t as important but I guess you should know what you want to type into Wikipedia.

Step 3 – Get in the mood

Put on some lovely zen music, light some incense, cross your  legs and start humming in monotone. You feeling it yet? If not, just continue step 3 until your legs start to cramp up.

Step 4 – Prepare your snacks

Grab all the unhealthy food you have in your kitchen and proceed to eat it all in giant mouthfuls. You may have heard myths about fatty and sugary food being bad for study but really, we all know how energized chocolate makes you. Brain food!

Step 5 – Set up

Get out your sticky notes, sharpies, and highlighters! You need to set everything up perfectly before beginning the torturous process of studying. Sometimes being a neat freak is for the better.

Step 6 – Actually study

Okay so now its actually time to get stu-

Oh, what? You’re too tired? Oh, well, go to bed and we can pick this up again tomorrow!

 

So those are my tips to get studying!

Have a lovely, lovely day!

Love always

Jags xx

Words

Hey guys!

First of all, some exciting news. Well, for me anyway.

Kay got a boyfriend!

He’s really sweet and super nice so I’m really happy for her.

But anyway, onto what this blog post is really about.

So on the bus, there is a guy, as you may know, that I USED to have a crush on. Yes USED TO. Well this is a very recent event as it happened only about, hm…maybe two hours ago?

Anyway, my reason for this is because he said some things to me that I really did NOT like.

Let me write this out for you.

As recalled above, Kay has a boyfriend who has a friend who I happened to have a crush on. Said ex-crush was wearing long vans socks with blue nike runners. I made a small comment saying ‘wow, how very fuckboy of you.’ This comment was not a direct insult towards this guy, I was just making a joke and being sarcastic. Obviously he did not see it that way. He continued to make snark comments that were actually quite hurtful.

Comment number 1:

‘Yeah well, you’re such a slut.’

No. No. No.

My initial first thoughts were ‘okay, well maybe he’s joking. After all, I like this guy because he’s nice and funny. So of course he wouldn’t say anything like this to me.’

Oh how wrong I was.

Comment number 2:

‘Just go jump off a cliff.’

Okay, so maybe my initial thoughts were wrong.

DON’T MAKE THESE KINDS OF COMMENTS IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU COULD BE SAYING!

If you don’t get what I mean by this then I’ll give you a few examples.

Example 1:

If my mum was divorced and had been sleeping with multiple men, had had children with one night stands and had some sort of STD. That comment of calling me a slut could’ve made me see myself so differently, I could’ve started comparing myself to my mum and thought that I was a slut too and would end up like her.

Example 2:

I had had bad experiences with boyfriends and men in the past so I already thought of myself as a slut and this comment just reassured me.

Example 3:

I had been suicidal for ages and was already planning to kill myself sometime so telling me to jump off a cliff just made me think I should do it more.

 

I will tell you now that example 3 is partially true.

In the car I was just thinking of what had happened and all these things started rushing into my head. Like maybe he’s right, maybe I should just jump off a cliff because obviously no one needs me and he’s confirmed that. And maybe people do see me as a slut. Maybe I am one. Sometimes I feel like one so maybe he’s right.

All I could think was how right it seemed to just commit suicide, to get it over and done with. Because this guy who I thought was the most perfect, sweet, funny, caring, kind, magical person in the world is now shoving that all in my face and telling me to go and end my life.

I really, really hate society.

Think about what you’re saying before you say it. Do you really know the words that are leaving your mouth? Or do you just see the outer layers? Words can mean a thousand things, make yours do good in the world.

Love always

Jags xxx

 

I Feel Pretty

Hey guys!

Do you ever feel beautiful? Because you should. It’s a rare thing though, for someone to say that they are beautiful.

People tell us, ‘oh, you’re so skinny’, ‘wow you have such nice hair’, ‘you are so pretty!’ But when we say it ourselves, when we say that we are beautiful, everyone treats it like a bad thing.

Slut.

Self-absorbed.

Attention seeking.

But what about those things you said? What about when you told us that we were beautiful?

Because it feels good to feel beautiful. Especially when you’ve been through a life of bullying and self-hate and self-harm, it feels amazing to finally feel beautiful. Even if it’s only temporary.

The reason I’m writing this is because today I feel beautiful. I woke up and felt horrible. I looked in the mirror and saw ugly. I had a shower and thought fat. I shaved my legs and thought gross. But then I got dressed. I got dressed and I felt…beautiful. Like I might be worth the trouble. Like I might actually be able to love myself one day.

I try not to wear tops that show my stomach because I feel like people will judge me because I’m fat. I do own some of these types of tops though. And today I put one on. And I thought ‘I don’t look too bad’. Then I put a pair of jeans on. And I looked at my butt and thought ‘It doesn’t look too big’. Then I put boots and a cardigan on, even though I’m not going anywhere today.  And I looked at myself in the mirror, fully dressed, and thought ‘I look…pretty’.

I don’t know why I feel this way today but I do, I feel amazing. I want to walk out of the house right now and drive into the middle of the city and walk around screaming and yelling and jumping. I want to live.

A few months ago, a few weeks ago, a few days ago, a few minutes ago, I didn’t think it was possible to feel this good ever again. And I hope this feeling lasts, I never want to feel bad about myself again even though I know that that is what will happen.

I just want anyone to know, anyone who’s feeling worthless and ugly and fat, you are worth the trouble of loving. You are worth everything. And no one deserves to feel horrible like we do, especially because YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. It may look like you will never get better but today, I proved to myself that it will.

I imagined the days where I will get dressed up like this. I will do my hair. I will put on makeup. And I will drive to wherever I want and I will have fun. I will live like I’ve always wanted to. And I will be ALIVE.

I’m making a vow to myself now to NEVER GIVE UP. And I want you to promise me that too. NEVER. GIVE. UP. Because I know that if you give up, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Feel beautiful. Ignore everyone. Don’t live someone else’s life. Don’t follow someone else’s rules. Make your own standards. Make your own future.

Love always

Jags xxx

Everyone Is Beautiful

Hey guys!

Today I want to talk about body image.

First off, who defined the word ‘pretty’?

Because there are so many different versions of the word that have changed throughout time. At the current time ‘pretty’ means big lips, big boobs, small waist, flat stomach and a big butt.

But who says that being more curvy isn’t pretty?

Or that being slim isn’t pretty?

Because all of these body types are in fact, pretty. They are beautiful.

Everyone is different and not everyone has what’s considered the ‘perfect body’ and that’s okay because I don’t have a perfect body, you probably don’t have a perfect body and everyone else doesn’t have a perfect body so how can there be such a thing called a ‘perfect body’ when in reality it doesn’t exist?

Like I said before, beauty and the perfect body types have changed throughout history. For example in ancient Greece it was considered that if you were more curvy and perhaps a bit larger than average then that was considered beautiful. And then if you go back to another time, being very slim and non-curvy was considered beautiful.

So who is to say that you are not beautiful?

As of the trend of ‘beautiful’ right now I am hardly picture perfect.

I think that I have a, let’s say, curvier body than most and I do have very small features. Like I have tiny feet, tiny hands and tiny ears and you probably have something about yourself that is odd or you don’t like as well (although I don’t mind being so small)  but you shouldn’t feel insecure because everyone has something that they hate about themselves. Even supermodels. Because that’s normal.

If someone said to me that they thought their body was perfect then I wouldn’t believe them because I don’t think anyone truly believes that.

But the truth is; everyone is beautiful. Everyone is pretty in their own way. Everyone is different and everyone has insecurities.

But the important thing is that we accept each other for our differences and flaws and just be kind and supporting towards everyone.

Because YOU are beautiful. I am beautiful (that sounded self-centered), EVERYONE is beautiful.

I’m not beautiful like you.

I’m beautiful like me.

Love always

Jags xxx